I told my wife during supper tonight that today is my birthday.  She looked at me perplexed as she knows quite well that I was born in June.  Within a moment the perplexed look was gone and she hypothesized, today is the day that you decided to become clean? I confirmed.  She said, let’s go out for dessert to celebrate!

It is two years to the day since I committed to find clarity and to live the life that I truly want for myself.  When I made that decision, I had no idea if I could be successful.  But I decided to try.  I can truly say that hashem gave me a gift.

Up until that point my struggles had me falling deeper and deeper into a never ending rabbit hole of promiscuity.  Anything I tried to break that pattern was short-lived.  I felt doomed to living out my life with two separate identities and no place at all in the world to come.  The pain of this contradiction was soothed only throwing by myself further into a world of lust and pleasure seeking.

Two years ago, all of this changed.  With hashem’s help I was motivated to make real changes. Changes that would impact my inner self.  With tremendous siyaata dshmaya, I found the tools needed.  The books to read, the people to speak to and the  activities to keep me busy.  I documented most of it in my thread so that I can go back and read it.  For the first few months I kept looking over my shoulder wondering when the motivation would wear off.  B”H it never did.  Slowly but surely I developed a confidence in myself.  Not complacency, I still work on this every day.  But there is a confidence.  I don’t expect to fall again.  I daven to hashem every day that he help me with this.  I am confident that if I continue to do my part, hashem will continue to help me.

When I dated my wife earlier this year I told her all about my past.  It was a lot for her to digest.  I told her that if she allows me the time she will come to know that I am the person that I portray.  She gave me the time.  She recognizes that so much of who I am came about specifically because of my struggles and my work to break free.  She is incredibly proud of me.  I am so lucky.  I don’t have to keep any secrets.  I can read my posts to her.

I am incredibly grateful to the rbs’o for the life that I am living. It is truly a new life.  To the outside world I appear happier and more confident but inside it is so much more than that.

I hope that my writing can continue to inspire others.  Much of it was written with tears streaming down my face.  (I remember after one post that my eyes hurt for the next two days!  I am no longer as emotional but I am just as grateful.)  Over the past two years I have been fortunate to talk to many and meet some of the people on these boards.  We are a special group.  It is an affiliation that I will always be proud of.

So happy second birthday to the new me and heartfelt brachos to all of you for continued siyaata d’shmaya in all of your efforts and may we each continue to help each other to live a life of kedusha.

Best wishes always

vehkam