Vehkam wrote on 02 Jan 2022 18:43:

I am blown away by your post on the ukranian gye underground hub!!
Anyway you can share your story to the brothers over here that aren’t hiding in bunkers?

Tone it down slightly if you want - and Keep on posting :-)

Thank you I have to see if there’s anything I want to cut out.

I just realized some thing amazing.  One of the suggestions over here has always been to celebrate your victories.  Usually this is done privately because we don’t announce our struggles to the whole world. Well I have been looking forward to a celebration ithis Tuesday for a long time because my Daf Yomi shiur is celebrating the completion of sefer moed and the party is scheduled for Tuesday night.  I have also been looking forward to completing my goal of 90 days clean.  I never paid attention to when exactly that would be, but I just updated my chart and I am at 87 which means I will be having a massive party on the day I complete my original goal of 90 days.  I feel like it’s a  another hug from Hashem.  Thanks to everyone here for the ongoing encouragement.  

Wow that's honestly amazing!!!!! Blew my mind! Your the best buddy! 

I hit my 90 days last night.  Danced the night away at our Daf Yomi siyum.  Iyh onward and upward….

Just read through your thread.  Your amazing!  Keep on inspiring us. 

Mazel Tov! Keep it up. Day 91 can be anticlimactic. Don't get demoralized - now it's just real life with normal urges like everyone out there..... You have learned to not get overwhelmed and panic. The fly however will still buzz in your ear....

Thanks. I’m still on the offensive. Gearing up to delete my Hulu account one of these days.

Vehkam wrote on 10 Mar 2022 18:57:

I’m always so impressed how am yisroel is always growing! Vehkam, Keep it up!!! 

Vehkam wrote on 10 Mar 2022 18:57:

Combat Units are ready on standby!

Mazal tov on 90 days Vehkam!!!

I really appreciate all the encouragement etc… each comment I read is another validation.  I see that another 90 days will iyh take me to shavous. Hope  to be able to celebrate k’ish echad b’lev echad.  

Something that I thought of today

הַצִּילֵ֥נִי מֵרֹדְפַ֑י כִּ֖י אָמְצ֣וּ מִמֶּֽנִּי׃

Save me from my enemies (the yetzer hara) because they have become strong - memeni- from my previous actions which caused my enemy to become so strong (giving in to my urges which became stronger and stronger)

ה֘וֹצִ֤יאָה מִמַּסְגֵּ֨ר ׀ נַפְשִׁי֮ לְהוֹד֢וֹת אֶת־שְׁ֫מֶ֥ךָ בִּ֭י יַכְתִּ֣רוּ צַדִּיקִ֑ים כִּ֖י תִגְמֹ֣ל עָלָֽי פ


Take me out from these bonds and allow me to praise you, let me be a crown for tzadikim (becomes in a place where a Baal teshuva stands, even great tzadikim cannot stand) because of your great mercy upon me (that you helped me do teshuva even though I fell so far)

Vehkam wrote on 10 Mar 2022 23:09:

Beautiful idea - thank you! 
It also says ממסגר נפשי, perhaps meaning the shackles are from our own נפש - meaning an internal foe, not an external one - like you said.

Thanks. Excellent insight!!

So I am in Florida for Shabbos as I am quite often.  My hotel is not in the middle of the action but it is close to the beach and occasionally there are some bathing suit issues. 
 I ordered some food and was sitting outside  waiting for Uber eats and three young women got out of a car and were standing right in front of Me - probably less than 2 feet from me. I cannot describe what they wearing because I was trying very hard not to look at it but it definitely was not tznius.  I had every opportunity to engage them in conversation and my initial reaction was they are here anyway so why should I not talk to them.  

I think that this was probably my most difficult struggle since I started this journey.  I put my headphones on and some music and spend the rest of my time sitting there staring at my phone.  It took a few minutes to process what I just went through. The feeling of desire to talk to them was so intense.  

The intenseness really took me by surprise.  Last time I was here I was able to take a long walk near the beach but then I was prepared for it and simply averted my eyes anytime I encountered any people.  This time it was unexpected and they were just standing  there in front of me.

I actually just read the chapters in the battle of the generation regarding Will power.  This really brought that message home that motivation enough sometimes will not work if you do not also have sufficient willpower.  (and will power itself will not work in the long term without motivation)