Thanks, good to be here. A little about myself: I am 23 single and currently dating. I am finishing college this year and work and learn in the mornings. On average slip a couple times a month but have had great streaks. Looking to be involved here which I think is crucial to stay strong

inprogress... wrote on 11 Apr 2024 17:33:

Welcome to GYE! (I see you've been around for some time but just started posting) 
How about starting your own thread for your journey? 

Great idea, I just started it.. Chizuk were all in it together is topic

Update buddy?

VEHKAM!
we need you live on the forum,
please inspire us
your dear תלמיד, קאנדי

cande wrote on 07 May 2024 18:29:

thank you for the encouragement.  the truth is that i try to check in every day.  It has been bli ayin hara quite a busy year and i haven't had the downtime to focus on writing.  I do hope that i can get back to that one day soon.  

I still read the Battle of the Generation regularly, albeit at a slower pace than before.  i don't know how many times i have read it... i lost count.  I still wear headphones whenever i am walking in the city.  bh i feel like i am acquiring zchusim every day.... 

If i can be of help to anyone reading this please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I try to respond, but if i don't respond you can reach out again.

I alluded to the following letter in my posts two years ago. I did not post it on GYE at the time because at the time it was too personal.  I am posting it now in case it is beneficial to someone else out there.   I worked hard on this letter together with my therapist to make sure that it did not leave any room for doubt that the relationship was over.  She did respond to my letter to ask if this is goodbye for good and  I responded to her kindly but firmly that it was over forever.  


This is going to be a difficult text for me to write.

The past six months have been transformative for me.  When I started this process I was no longer sure who I really was and who I wanted to be. I had compartmentalized my two worlds for so long and had no vision of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

I decided to take a break from all the counterproductive activities and the fantasies that I had thrown myself into. I did not really believe I would be successful.  Some people believed in me. You were one of them. Your support was so important for me.  Since I have known you, you have always been kind and looking out for me.  Especially over these last few years you have helped me recognize more of my strengths then I knew I had. 

For the past few decades,The hypocrisy of the life I was living (for whatever reason) caused me to put up inner walls and suppress any true connection to the passion that I really have for the religious tenets and values that were passed down to me by my parents and their parents and grandparents before them.  Over the past six months I have been able to reconnect to the ideals of my youth.  I genuinely had thought that side of me was gone forever. 

It is hard to describe the freedom and inner peace that I now have.   I no longer have secrets.  I no longer have to guard my phone lest one of my kids notice an errant text or picture that I forgot to delete.  I don’t have to lie about where I am going or who I am meeting.  I can be truthful to myself and to the people around me.  I am happier and emotionally healthier then I’ve ever been.

Over the past six months I have slowly deleted every contact and password to anyone and anything that has to do with the secret life that I lived for 35 years.  Occasionally I will get a random text from someone and I respond to let them know I am no longer in that world and I wish them well.  Those texts are now few and far in between. 

I hope you understand that I say all this with absolutely no judgment of anyone but myself.  I believe that good people can be found in all places within all type of lifestyles. 

Here is the hard part and I imagine this may be painful for you as well.  The lifestyle that I am dedicated to cannot be reconciled with an emotional attachment to a woman other than my wife (hopefully I will have one, one day!).  Yours is The only contact I have left from my secret world . I did not delete you. You were not a fantasy.  You were a true friend.  I spent time with my therapist discussing and preparing.  I will miss you but now is  the right time for me to say goodbye. I will never forget what you have done for me.   I wish you  the most success and happiness possible.  I pray that you will see this letter to be genuine from my heart and that you will wish me the same.

This is as bittersweet as it gets

My name

Crying. 

הורית דרך תשובה לנו
וקווי ה יחליפו כח ואתה עולה כנשר למעלה עד שמי מרום,  
גבור ורב להושיע 
נא ישפות לך חיים חן וחסד וכנהר שלום 
כנפשך הטוב

ונא, אל תעזוב אותנו ותהי לנו לעינים …

מאן דבעי חיים ברחמים

vehkam wrote on 29 May 2024 19:31:

Thank you for sharing that, vehkam. Your story continues to inspire me. That was a beautiful letter. I know you aren't looking for feedback about it especially because this is from two years ago, but it really touched me how you showed your friend such sensitivity and held up who she is as a person and what she meant to you and at the same time created that boundary for your healing or your "freedom" and "inner peace."

repost.  Shabbos was yom hameyuchas…

Yom HaMeyuchas

I don’t remember hearing that term before.  Over the years it is likely that I did hear that the 2nd day of sivan is called yom hameyuchas but it just didn’t mean anything to me. So I don’t remember.

Today, I received a few messages referencing yom hameyuchas and I did not know what it was about.  Then, during lunch, I came across a post that explains – today is the day that Moshe Rabeinu relayed the message to klal Yisroel from hashem.

וִֽהְיִ֨יתֶם לִ֤י סְגֻלָּה֙ מִכָּל־הָ֣עַמִּ֔ים כִּי־לִ֖י כָּל־הָאָֽרֶץ ... ואַתֶּ֧ם תִּֽהְיוּ־לִ֛י מַמְלֶ֥כֶת כֹּֽהֲנִ֖ים וְג֣וֹי קָד֑וֹשׁ

My heart filled with emotions of gratitude and joy that I am able to finally feel that I too am a part of this גוֹי קָדוֹש  To feel that hashem is lifting me up. That is taking me out of my personal mitzrayim… To feel that ahava that he has for us, his chosen nation… to be part of a group of mevakshim that will keep getting up no matter what and no matter how many times we fall!  A group that is anonymous but is comprised of Chassidim & Ex Hasidim, Litvaks, Sefardim, Ashkenazim, BTs, FFB, young bochurim and seasoned adults…. All working K’ish echad b’lev echad to better ourselves and each other in Kedusha.  And I say ashreinu ma tov chelkeinu….

We are truly hashem’s treasure.

When I said birchas hamazon after lunch, I noticed the third HaRachaman – and this is my bracha to all of us, that hashem should always be glorified and honored through us -

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יִשְׁתַּבַּח לְדוֹר דּוֹרִים, וְיִתְפָּאַר בָּנוּ לָעַד וּלְנֵצַח נְצָחִים, וְיִתְהַדַּר בָּנוּ לָעַד וּלְעוֹלְמֵי עוֹלָמִים.

I just went through the thread. 
Again.
The only thing I can say is Thank you for the chizzuk this thread provided

repost.  in honor of my birthday....

Happy birthday!!!! Ad 120 in the best of health, bikedusha uvitahara!

Please note the following Is geared for people that have had serious falls and have already tried filters many times etc without positive results.

When I resolved to fight this battle I sensed that something was different this time.

I didn’t think I could be successful. I no longer remembered what it was like to be clean and my closest friends that I confided in were non Jews of the opposite gender.

And Yet I felt more committed to change than ever.

I was extremely wary that the inspiration would not last.  Especially if I was faced with an attack of desire by the yetzer hara.  I felt that if I put on a filter my desires for what I could not have would immediately awaken.

Given that my struggle had gone way beyond viewing forbidden images on my phone, the danger of falling in person would also be greater if the phone was not available for less serious forbidden activities. (I did speak to someone high up at gye to confirm that what I was doing made sense).

So I decided that I was not going to filter my phone at all.  I did not delete any accounts. I did not get rid of any access.   I told the yetzer hara that everything was still available to me- there is no need to attack.  And I kept myself incredibly busy for the next few months.  I went into offense mode.  Listening to shiurim or music anytime I had a free moment.  In the car, in bed, on the way to work. There was no open time for fantasizing.  Still no filter.

During this time I slowly reconnected with hashem.  I used music to become more emotional and I used the emotions to connect to davening.   Everything else I was doing is spelled out earlier in my thread.

Bh I never needed the filter. Eventually I did put one on but I hope to never test it.

The benefit of this method was that I did not have the constant yetzer hara to figure out how to access my desires. It was all available if I really wanted and my mind wasn’t working overtime to find loopholes.

I was able to clarify and work on what I really desire which is a connection with hashem.  I treat that relationship like any intimate relationship.  Constantly looking to renew the commitment and freshness. Constantly looking to show my devotion.  The more you put in the more you receive.

I caution again that having no filter is almost always not advisable. However, for a small percentage of people it may be a method that works.

I hope no one ever needs to use this method

Best wishes

Vehkam

vehkam wrote on 02 Jul 2024 20:54:

Runing towards instead of running away. This was also how I finally unlocked a lasting change - with Hashem's help.