For all my chabad friends on GYE, I wanted to share that today is day 770. Lchaim and thanks for all the inspiration that helped me on this journey.  

Vehkam wrote on 18 Jan 2024 14:42:

I can appreciate the share even as a non chabad friend
( yes , using the same emphasis as I am a non porn watcher)

Vehkam wrote on 18 Jan 2024 14:42:

Moshiach now! Didun notzach!

נאמר בספר הזוהר: "כד אתכפיא סטרא אחרא
 אסתלק יקרא דקב"ה בכולהו עלמין" - (כאשר כופים את הסט"א, מתעלה ונמשך כבודו של הקב"ה בכל העולמות).

Just finished the battle of the generation.  I lost count of what number this was.  Start again tomorrow iyh.  

 seems you wrote many times that when you took upon learning (the דף) and started learning,  that was the first thing
that made you feel like waning to change.
seems fascinating!
can you elaborate??
ty

cande wrote on 14 Mar 2024 23:16:

so sorry it took this long for me to respond.  bh i have been quite busy and it is hard to find the time to properly write out my thoughts.  to answer your question - I was a pretty good learner in Yeshiva.  My original plan was to stay in learning and teaching etc... (that did not happen for a number of reasons.)  When i first started following my desires the yetzer hara convinced me that i could still be a learner etc.. and just act out secretly once in a while.  Nobody would find out and i could stop anytime.  Often the acting out was just "one more time before i go back to being pure and holy".  As time went on learning slowly became much less a focal point of my life while secretly acting out grew much bigger.  Eventually it came to the point that i was much more connected to a forbidden world than i was to "real life".  I had close friends in that world and spent much time making sure to explore every option that i could.  Of course, this was all a secret and the people around me, including my family, friends and rebbeim would be shocked if they ever found out... (except my current wife who knows everything.)

When i went to the Siyum Hashas in Metlife I felt very left out and i really wanted to try to start learning again.  With tremendous siyaata d'shmaya i ended up joining an amazing chevra and during covid i spent a couple of hours a day with the daf.  This was the first time in many years that i had made a serious commitment to learning. I also was still very steeped in forbidden stuff.  However, unlike when i first started acting out years ago, by now the two lives were seriously unreconcilable.  There was no way for the yetzer hara to convince me that i could have both worlds. I knew i had to choose.  It did not happen overnight, I believe it took two years, but eventually i did choose.  On the one hand it was an easy choice between life and death.  on the other hand, it was incredibly challenging because i had to retrain my brain from decades of harmful thoughts and activity and i really wasn't sure it was possible.  I had tremendous help from hashem and he led me to take the proper steps to be successful. I truly believe that the commitment to the daf was the zchus and the groundwork that i needed.

thanks again for the question, its been a while since i had the opportunity to write anything of substance!

best wishes for continued hatzlocha,
vehkam

Vehkam wrote on 29 Mar 2024 21:38:

im blown away! 
was it onley a zchus?
,or did you feel the learing making a deep impression on you? 
like did you start feeling a pull to the the good beacause of it?
did you feel committing to torah, transforming your essence? 
i

I would say that I felt very connected. It’s not that my essence was transformed. I believe that my essence was always good. The daily commitment and the effort to keep that commitment even when it was a challenge helped forge a connection to Torah and the ribono shel olam. That connection is was the neshama always craves and the yetzer hara hijacks that craving to send you in other dead end directions.  

Vehkam wrote on 29 Mar 2024 22:12:

WOW!
 commitment to learning may just be the KICK OFF, to get me at least to want, to want to sober up.
i do understand that learning may/will not cure an addict,
but there is a point that בראתי יצר הרע בראתי תורה תבלין atleast to WAKE ME UP!
your whole story, and this learning torah point is MIND BLOWING, for me.
hashem should bless!

Vehkam wrote on 29 Mar 2024 22:12:

As a serious Talmid of this thread I feel there’s a tremendous lesson to learn here. 
I feel that believing in your own essential underlying goodness is a critical component of being able to get out. 
Thank you for sharing these details.

BEWARE!
this thread can potentially change your life!
pure greatness!
took on a עמוד a day for a month in honor of vehkam,
with love cande.

Vehkam wrote on 01 Apr 2022 17:32:

Reposting this….

Vehkam wrote on 10 Apr 2024 03:05:

AWSOME!!

I love this approach- I think it's great to have community on your side... im with you brother. Trying to do same thing now.

inprogress... wrote on 11 Apr 2024 16:40:

Totally, my friend. Welcome to our community. Looking forward to getting to know more.

Look around on forums, theres a lot to read. Ask. Connect. Learn. Grow.