Just checking in to mark my progress.  It took way longer than usual to finish the Battle of the Generation this time.  Lots going on and different responsibilities meant that i had way less time to read each night.  BH i finished the book again this week and have begun again for the 10th time.  I am also reading Living Emunah each night with my wife and we find that helps for keeping a general positive perspective for everything that happens during the course of the day.  

I am happy to report that alot of the triggers and thoughts that were a seemingly impossible battle for so many years have now b'ezras hashem dulled.  i am not letting down my guard and i am trying hard to maintain all of the things that i put in place to ensure that i continue to move forward.  I am looking forward to having more time to write after sukkos iyh.

best wishes 
vehkam

Vehkam wrote on 28 Aug 2023 19:08:


Mazel Tov on both Simcha’s! May you have continued Hatzlacha in your new life in both ways!!

Mazel tov!!!!!!!!

Mazal Tov!

Vehkam: The "things you have put in place" are not "things".
They are spiritual edifices of greatness, painstakingly built. Towering, magnificent structures of Avodas Hashem. Of Tahara and Yiras Shamayim and Ahavas Hashem and Chasidus. Breathtakingly beautiful artworks that are also feats of painstaking engineering, tremenous persistence, and ongoing inspired growth. 

You are the inspiration for so many. And for me.

Yehi Ratzon that Hashem should bless you-  May your special qualities and strengths flourish and find new growth and expression in your new Bayis. May you find Simcha, Menucha, Shalom , joy and fulfillment in all areas. וימלא השי״ת כל משאלותיכם לטובה במדה טובה ישועה ורחמים ויכתבו ויחתמו בספרם של צדיקים גמורים 

I just realized that it has been quite a while since I posted on my thread.  Bh things are going well with lots of siyaata dshmaya.  

Something that I have not written about in the past, but may be helpful to some others - I don’t allow my phone to be private.  My wife has access to my phone and can look through it at any time.  She is not my mashgiach. That is not her job. However it is a huge deterrent when the  phone is treated as shared property.  If I started to act possessive about my phone, at this point, it would be obvious that I am hiding some secret.

 There is tremendous menuchas hanefesh in not having secrets….

wishing everyone tremendous hatzlocha 

vehkam

I did the same thing awhile back and it really helped. I used to be horrified if I left my phone alone or if she asked to use it. It is a HUGE relief not to have to worry about that anymore.

Great idea - but how do you deal with the GYE texts etc staying confidential with other guys info?

Hashem Help Me wrote on 16 Oct 2023 11:20:

This problem forced me to make my phone ultra-private. Some guys can text really private stuff, and my wife and kids definitely shouldn't see any of it. I BH have a kosher phone, but it is true that I lose out on having my wife as my shomeres. To be honest though, she rarely ever checked my phone even before I put a password on it

i generally don't have anyone's identifying info on my phone.  the text are under a phone number or a name that is not identifying.  my phone is still password protected, so noone else is looking at it besides for my wife.  it really is a non issue for us. she is not a private investigator!  I don't see her as my shomeres, but it still another level of protection against the yetzer hara.

eerie wrote on 16 Oct 2023 19:04:

I wish i had such an option - my phone is too dumb. Instead im busy all day erasing texts messages from gimpelovitch and his cronies.
This is something that I sincerely wish that I didnt have to hide from my wife - unfortunately I do

To accentuate the obvious: 
The Chizzuk I am taking from your suggestion, Vehkam, transcends the specific eitza about leaving your phone open and unlocked, which may not work for some guys here.
The Yesod behind your suggestion is the fundamental idea is that no matter how far one has come on this journey, adding another level of Shmira against the Yetzer Hora is a positive and healthy step, and part of the positive and healthy attitude of growth. This attitude is often the critical difference between staying ahead or not….

Thank you for this reminder and inspiration.

redfaced wrote on 16 Oct 2023 20:55:

I think the main issue here is that you have texts all day from gimpelovitch and his cronies.....

On another thread that someone posted regarding a desire for piercings and tattoos there was a comment that said

“I don't think the fact that you still desire it indicates any flaw in your relationship with Hashem I think the the person who has a desire to do something inappropriate and controls himself is closer than someone who doesn't need to overcome them.

 the beauty of judaism is that we are mainly credited for things we actually struggle to overcome and although this sounds basic, most people in society don't seem to understand this”

I did not want to hijack the thread with my responses to someone other than the original poster so I am responding here instead.

I agree wholeheartedly with your second paragraph. I do have some comments regarding the relationship with hashem.  As a general rule we are not responsible for the urges and desires that we did not ask for.  Our job is to respond appropriately and to teach ourselves to refrain from following those urges and desires that are forbidden to us.  Many of us on this site want to do what is right, yet we find ourselves in situations where the urge seems very powerful and impossible to overcome.  Indeed the gemara says that the yetzer hara is stronger than us and without hashems help we would not be able to resist.

However, there are things we can do to lessen the temptations of those urges.  Someone who is passionately in love with their spouse is much less likely to be enticed into an extramarital relationship compared to someone that is not actively in love.  That does not mean that people passionately in love are immune to seduction.  It just means that since they are so focused on pleasing and maintaining a healthy relationship with their spouse it is unlikely that they will follow any temptations that will jeopardize that relationship.   It is the opposite of what they are looking for.  Even if it may seem tempting for a fleeting moment.

Our relationship with hashem can be treated in the same way.  If someone is actively passionate about serving hashem it means that he is constantly looking for ways to serve and please hashem.  If something is forbidden, it is by nature an activity that will draw a person away from hashem.  The passion to serve and be close to hashem can therefore help lessen the pull of any forbidden desires.

 Without this passion a person will have an internal battle of logic vs emotion. Logic can only persevere for so long and eventually the emotional needs may cause a person to give in.  Raising our level of passion to serve hashem can nip this internal battle in the bud.

The longer a person definitively resists these forbidden urges and temptations, the weaker they generally become.  Once a person views those activities as something he just doesn’t do anymore they are no longer as challenging.

With all that said, desire doe not indicate a flaw in a person’s relationship with hashem.  However, working on that relationship with hashem and developing a passion to serve him can certainly help some people to lessen the pull of that desire.  This may not work for everyone.  In the past it has worked for me.  I daven every day that it continues to do so.

I also would refrain from judging who is closer to hashem.  That is not our job.  Each of us has a unique mission in this world with challenges that are specifically chosen for us.  Our relationship with hashem is not dependent on being closer than anyone else.  It is dependent on connecting with hashem in the best way possible given the circumstances, challenges and opportunities that were afforded to us.

May we all be zoche to connect in a meaningful way.

Best wishes for continued hatzlocha

vehkam

Vehkam wrote on 19 Oct 2023 19:33:

I followed your lead and brought my thoughts to your thread so as not to hijack that other thread.

I think what the original poster meant (not to put words in his mouth, but this is just how I understood it), is that if all else is equal and Person A never had to struggle and Person B did have to and yet overcame that struggle, then Person B is closer to Hashem.

And I don't see how that is a controversial statement to make.

It's literally the micro actualization of why Hashem gave the Torah to humans and didn't keep it in shamayim for the malachim.  

Of course you are correct IF all else is equal. However all else is never equal so I would leave person A out of it.