Vehkam wrote on 01 Jan 2023 03:40:


Bruce: Yankel, What are you collecting for?

Yankel: Oh - we want to extend the Rabbi’s vacation for a few weeks, because our in house speaker is amazing!!!

Bruce: Pass the hat - I’ll donate too!!

Hi my holy friend! I love it, your dvar Torah is a true "הוא היה אומר", that the way to battle all of this is by lighting the fire within us to search for closeness to our loving Father. Beautiful! I'm with Yankel and bruce, btw:)

Nice message to the shul vehkam, and thanks for the share posted

I believe that last week was the hardest week for me since I have become clean.  It started with a very vivid dream that I woke up from on Sunday morning.  There was an intense feeling of pleasure that continued after I woke up.  This was despite the fact that I did not ask for and intellectually I did not want this physical pleasure. 

Over the course of the week many recollections of pleasurable encounters kept coming into my head.   I did my best to move on to think about other things but somehow these thoughts kept popping into my head at random times. 

I try to keep my schedule busy so as not to have time for such thoughts.  In the past this together with focus on my passion to serve hashem was enough and I did not have to deal with recurring thoughts. 

On Wednesday I felt like I was really on the defensive.   I have to admit that the yetzer hara was getting to me.  For the past many months the idea of me giving in and acting out was not something I could possibly contemplate.  After all, I suffered so much from my addiction and have gained enormously from stopping.  Still the yetzer hara was throwing all sorts of physical fantasies at me and I could sense an ever slight change of resolve and focus.

I know that the yetzer hara works slowly and deliberately.  I didn’t want to allow this change in resolve to happen without a strong push back. I went on the offensive.  I threw my passion into davening to hashem to help me in this fight.  I added extra learning time.  I also identified some of the factors that may have added to my weakness and will be on guard to make sure to the best of my ability to avoid those factors. 

With thanks to hashem I can say that things have calmed down.  I appreciate being in touch with Eerie and his genuine concern each day.  It was a hard week but I do believe it was a learning experience too and I am grateful for that. 

I am still learning Gemara with three boys each night and I hope to make a siyum with them on a small perek this week.  I also am looking forward to the Daf Yomi siyum on nedarim. I may try to finish early and make a siyum this shabbos. 

One year ago I was just beginning my search for a therapist.  I have to constantly remind myself on the one hand, how far I have come and in the other hand, not to take anything for granted. 

As always thanks to everyone here for being so supportive.

Vehkam

My dear, holy friend, that's what friends are for. You were the first person to reach out to me, and I remain eternally grateful. It is so inspiring to read about you fighting the YH in real time, your resolve is unreal. Yes, you are right that we must always remain vigilant, the YH never sleeps. BH you are fighting him today from a healthy, normal position. That doesn't mean he's out of ammunition, but you are in a place where you can go through the regular tests of mankind, and fight back exactly the way you did. Sometimes the enemy brings out stronger weapons, those are the harder nisyoinois, and every nisayon is there so that we can grow through overcoming it. It was time for you to take things to the next level, so you got this test. AND YOU PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS!!! Keep on trucking, my friend! And keep us in the loop so we can all continue to be uplifted by you

Finished reading the battle of the generation this week.  starting again tonight.  i still gain from it every single night.

Tonight I read chapter 3 of the battle of the generation.  I remember The first time I read this chapter almost a year ago and cried when I read the following paragraph on page 35.

“ Yet perhaps the most painful part of this episode is when we give up on our dreams. feeling permanently stained by our sins we believe we can no longer become what we dreamed of.  even if we know that we should never give up on our dreams no matter how low we have fallen, emotionally we feel that anyone who has fallen this badly can’t become great.   we wanted to become special and significant and instead we feel doomed to be inferior forever. There is nothing more painful than this feeling. “.

This pain was so intense inside of me and it was such a relief to read the author describing it.

The difference bethween living with dreams or without them is almost as significant as the difference between life and death.

Overcoming the challenges (according to the mesilas yesharim) is the purpose of life in this world. It is what makes us significant and great. (And ultimately deserving on some level of hashems reward). So you are 100% correct- the only person we need to change is ourselves.

sleepy wrote on 23 Jan 2023 05:34:


in my experience, I have seen that the best way to make an influence on others is to work on myself, and not be ashamed to share with people who will gain from it, that I have struggled, and I am working on my struggles

People appreciate seeing a real person just like themselves who continues to aspire and doesn’t give up

I get the strength from my role  models who act the same way

This is a two part post.  Part one is important for me to document but part two is more emotional….

Part 1

It has been difficult to post recently.  Boruch hashem I’ve been busy. Between work, maintaining the house, teaching at night and dating there really hasn’t been any extra time.

At times I wonder if I have plateaued. Am I continuing to grow?  Sometimes it is difficult to know especially when things are relatively stable.  At those times it is gratifying to be able to come back here to my thread and see where I was holding twelve months ago. Or even six months ago.  It becomes much easier to see that yes I am continuing to grow. 

I ordered the battle of the generation from Amazon one year ago. Since then I have read it cover to cover more than six times!

I didn’t even start therapy until the end of March last year! Now I no longer need to go very often.

I am learning considerably more in the last few months and I am teaching as well.

My rov even asked me to speak in Shul when he was away.

While I am proud of my recovery I no longer see myself exclusively through the lens of recovery.  Without question recovery was the catalyst but the desire to live a life that will bring nachas to hashem is no longer rooted in recovery.  I just want to be close to hashem. 

this is the most exciting time of the year.  Purim is coming and I can celebrate that closeness without inhibitions.  Nissan is already on the horizon and I am waiting with heightened anticipation for that month in which we celebrate Hashem taking us out from a world of darkness and connecting us to a world of light.   Pesach will always be the yomtov on which I celebrate my personal redemption. 

Part 2

Last year about this time I was on my way to recovery.  I was committed and hopeful but still very much unsure of myself.  At some point I was cleaning up at home and I came across a bag of stuff from my previous forbidden life that I had stashed in the back of some shelf.       (This was not anything explicit but at the same time it was very much connected to my forbidden activities).

My first thought was that I better get rid of this asap. Then I had an inspiration.  I wanted to feel what it would be like to bring a korbon Pesach.  I decided to save the stuff until erev Pesach. I continued to work at spiritually cleaning myself. 

On erev Pesach I davened early.  Then I took my bag of stuff and drove to the dumpsters that were set up near my neighborhood for extra garbage on erev pesach.  I sat in my car and said tehillim with tears streaming down my cheeks. I davened that hashem accept my korbon as if I had brought a real live korbon pesach.  Then I threw the bag into the dumpster and left.  It is difficult to describe the connection that I felt at this moment

While I am far from perfect, I wont have such a korbon to bring this year. I daven from the bottom of my heart that we will all be able to bring the korbon pesach in yerushalayim this year. But if somehow it is still not the time for that, I will be somewhere someplace in my car saying tehillim with tears streaming down my cheeks.  Asking hashem to remember last years korbon, to help me stay on this path and to please allow my words to continue to inspire others to do the same.

I don’t know why I was never able to write about this.  I thought about it but somehow never found the right tone to describe this very personal moment. I thank hashem for inspiring me with the words to do so at this time.

Best wishes

Vehkam

Unbelievable Vehkam proud of your accomplishments and where your holding! I still do struggle at this of doing korbanos, it sounds easier said then done, which it likely was, chazak I am really happy and although I may not do any immediate change this moment, it definitely imprints on me an actual yid has done the unthinkable (to many that had similar upbringings) and in a way delete such past life, remove the shmuts from the Holy Home!! Really I’m lost for words, I know we spoke once or so before, but haven’t for some time; but really I am now realizing how big of a person you are that you had such chashuv courage to do this act of a korban on your stuff!! 
It’s not impossible, but is very hard to do that possibility! YA”ASHER KOYACH, the abidhter is really proud for you, wow, to hear an actual korban- azah chadivos maysim, it makes you have that hergisha buzz of what’s actually taking place and what YOU feel you were DOING was the RIGHT THING and DID IT!!!!! Chazak Vehkam!

My dear friend, I've read through your thread, I've written about it too, about how inspired I was as I followed your journey, as I followed you grow and fill your heart and your life with the things that bring you ever higher. Everything you've written carries the message of the searching for closeness to Hashem at all times. And every time you put another piece for us to read, all that is reawakened. You are an unbelievable inspiration to me, and I'm sure for many, many other people here. Reading your piece filled me with such longing to come close to Hashem, to give of myself for Him. My friend, please find more time to write and share moving and stirring words
I shared it with you on the phone, but I want to share it and thank you publicly. A few years back Project Inspire showed a Tisha B'Av film, in which they interviewed a few people. They interviewed Person A and B, where A was the person who was mekareiv person B. Then they interviewed Person C who person B was mekareiv to Yiddishkeit. And then they showed Person A a video of a beautiful frum Yiddishe family, the family of Person C. They asked him "Do you know this person?", and he looked at the video and said "I never saw this guy in my life". Then the interviewer told him "Person B was to this guy what you were for person B". To see the chills this guy got, when he realized that his reaching out to person B didn't end there, there are so many things he'll never know about that are the fruits of his being mekareiv person B. 
My friend, you reached out to me, you've reached out to others, and you reach out to so many people through your beautiful writings. So many people are inspired by it, and down here in this world you will never ever know the extent of what you've done. There will be so many people that were inspired by your beautiful pieces, they in turn will become closer to Hashem, and people seeing them will be inspired. There are so many people that never post, but they come by and see what you've written, and their lives are changed. All of the inspiration is your zechus! May hashem help that your dating go well, and that you know only nachas and simcha all your life, in good health!

Vehkam wrote on 10 Feb 2023 05:25:

I've been waiting to bring a similar Korban. I've got the same bag. Nothing explicit but same Inyan. Be"H when I'm home for Peasch...

As usual, R' Vehkam is awe inspiring. As Eerie wrote you will never know (at least in this world), the ripple effect you have had and continue to have. Yet, here you have it - with Jack telling us that he has his korban ready and waiting....  May Hashem shower you with hatzlocha in all areas (and especially in finding that special wife - who will iyh be a most fortunate individual, having a tzaddik for a husband)

There are not really words to describe this, This is really incredible. The power of such a Korban. One can only dream to imagine the affect of this Korban in shamayim.

Thank you so much for sharing this inspiring and awesome moment with us. May we all be Zoche to bring such Korbanos in our own time..