Mazel Tov on your awesome accomplishment. May Hashem help you further! 

I think the reality is that today there is much more acceptance, however there is a bigger issue. If a fellow puts aside his shame and embarrassment, and opens up to a rebbi - now what? Is the rebbi trained to give the guy a bear hug? Does he know what to say? If that one chance that our struggler gave us is squandered, we may not get another opportunity. 

Probably there should be a GYE training course given to people (rebbeim, mentors, shul rabbonim) who really care, are passionate, and are willing to volunteer time, to share what is available and be aware of the various methods that have worked.

I am sitting here waiting for the sun to go down, for the gye counter to allow me to clock one more clean day. One year clean.  מאשפות ירים אביון   I am overcome with emotion.  I just reread many of my posts from the past year.  I am thinking about how I have changed and I have been able to impact others. I am not looking at anyone else.  I am looking at myself and i feel like my life has taken on a purpose that is unique to me. I feel like I have a place and I belong.  Hashem has carried me for  this entire year and I daven that he continues to do so.    

If you have not read through my thread and are wondering how I was able to get through the year please take the time to read through my posts carefully. I believe that there is a lot of good information. No two people are the same but my thread should be helpful to a lot of you.

 I tried to stop many times before but this time was different I went all in and came up with a plan.  This included connections and therapy.  I could no longer hide.  I have been on offense for a year.  They have been thousands upon thousands of opportunities for urges but with hashems help I did not let them in. My body still works and I am not asexual however my motivation remains strong and I have not had to deal with overpowering urges (while I was awake)for this entire year.  They did not become overpowering because I was committed to move on from them as soon as they occurred.  

I sent this recently to a rav that I am getting to know. He is incredibly accepting and has been very supportive.  

I was 19. I knew that the things I was doing were wrong. I also did not feel like I had any way to stop. I was desperate to talk to someone. Someone who would not judge me someone who would understand. I believed that person did not exist anywhere.  I did not think it was safe to reveal my secrets anywhere. So I told no one. And every night I cried.

I tried once after I got married. The person was somewhat helpful but they didn’t understand. They told me I was playing with my life. And I was. So I stopped for a couple of months at most. And then I fell back into it.

Acting out was my secret. The longer I did it the bigger the secret was. One thing led to another I became entrenched in a deviant lifestyle. I made friends with many people from that lifestyle. It may have been just a few hours a week. At times perhaps the greater part of a day. But during these times I shed most of my commitments to live as a frum yid and engaged in as much promiscuous behavior as I possibly could.

The sensations and highs were liberating and intoxicating. The opportunity   was at times the stuff of dreams. When I was done I would compartmentalize my guilt. Put back on my tzitzis, white shirt and black pants and go back to frum society as if nothing had changed.

I fooled myself into thinking that I was doing a good job of hiding everything. That I could continue the frum path and one day just stop all the deviant behaviors. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could not stop. The longer I engaged in these behaviors the less desire I had to stop. Every aspect of my spiritual life suffered. My learning, my davening, my speech, what I ate, who I related to were all affected. I was addicted to a lifestyle that was destroying me. And yet nobody in the world knew.

It took me over three decades of struggling but bh With the help of Guard Your Eyes and intense therapy I am just about a year fully clean and sober. I am a healthier person than I was for my entire adult life. I am active on the GYE forums and try to help others whenever I can.

I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me?  Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me.

This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there.

We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped.  Together we can make a difference.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Dec 2022 17:47:

I am about to find out for myself how this scenario will play out. I’m really scared of what might happen. I have to just have faith that I chose a person wisely (and a wise person) who will give me the support and encouragement I need. Because I need to share my past experience (not graphically, of course) of my previous life with men before becoming a Baal Teshuvah, so it’s not just that I hope he knows about the problems people have with P and M, but I also hope he can accept what happened to me in the past. So I hope it is not a huge mistake. Even though I know he will not share the information with anyone, he may never look at me the same way. Any thoughts? By the way, today is day 51!!!!!

I am sitting here waiting for the sun to go down, for the gye counter to allow me to clock one more clean day. One year clean.  מאשפות ירים אביון   I am overcome with emotion.  I just reread many of my posts from the past year.  I am thinking about how I have changed and I have been able to impact others. I am not looking at anyone else.  I am looking at myself and i feel like my life has taken on a purpose that is unique to me. I feel like I have a place and I belong.  Hashem has carried me for  this entire year and I daven that he continues to do so.    

If you have not read through my thread and are wondering how I was able to get through the year please take the time to read through my posts carefully. I believe that there is a lot of good information. No two people are the same but my thread should be helpful to a lot of you.

 I tried to stop many times before but this time was different I went all in and came up with a plan.  This included connections and therapy.  I could no longer hide.  I have been on offense for a year.  They have been thousands upon thousands of opportunities for urges but with hashems help I did not let them in. My body still works and I am not asexual however my motivation remains strong and I have not had to deal with overpowering urges (while I was awake)for this entire year.  They did not become overpowering because I was committed to move on from them as soon as they occurred.  

I sent this recently to a rav that I am getting to know. He is incredibly accepting and has been very supportive.  

I was 19. I knew that the things I was doing were wrong. I also did not feel like I had any way to stop. I was desperate to talk to someone. Someone who would not judge me someone who would understand. I believed that person did not exist anywhere.  I did not think it was safe to reveal my secrets anywhere. So I told no one. And every night I cried.

I tried once after I got married. The person was somewhat helpful but they didn’t understand. They told me I was playing with my life. And I was. So I stopped for a couple of months at most. And then I fell back into it. 

Acting out was my secret. The longer I did it the bigger the secret was. One thing led to another I became entrenched in a deviant lifestyle. I made friends with many people from that lifestyle. It may have been just a few hours a week. At times perhaps the greater part of a day. But during these times I shed most of my commitments to live as a frum yid and engaged in as much promiscuous behavior as I possibly could.

The sensations and highs were liberating and intoxicating. The opportunity   was at times the stuff of dreams. When I was done I would compartmentalize my guilt. Put back on my tzitzis, white shirt and black pants and go back to frum society as if nothing had changed. 

I fooled myself into thinking that I was doing a good job of hiding everything. That I could continue the frum path and one day just stop all the deviant behaviors. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could not stop. The longer I engaged in these behaviors the less desire I had to stop. Every aspect of my spiritual life suffered. My learning, my davening, my speech, what I ate, who I related to were all affected. I was addicted to a lifestyle that was destroying me. And yet nobody in the world knew. 

It took me over three decades of struggling but bh With the help of Guard Your Eyes and intense therapy I am just about a year fully clean and sober. I am a healthier person than I was for my entire adult life. I am active on the GYE forums and try to help others whenever I can.

I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me?  Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me.

This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there.

We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped.  Together we can make a difference.  

There is nothing more dangerous for me then prolonged sadness. The past week has been difficult on my mood.  I see the yetzer hara trying to take advantage by putting all sorts of memories of improper good times into my head.  Bh my resolve is strong but I need to get myself into a healthier mood. 

Vehkam wrote on 19 Dec 2022 21:26:

So what’s your plan???
I feel wired giving you ideas it’s usually you that is giving the ideas 
Do you like doing exercises?? Like maybe go to the gym and do some work out it can really change your mood and besides it can burn off all the donuts you ate so far…

Geshmak! wrote on 20 Dec 2022 02:23:

Thanks for trying but Actually not looking for ideas.  I have a good idea of what I need to do. It would be great if I could exercise but right now that is not a possibility.  

Now if you offered to bake me chocolate chip cookies that might be something I would take you up on….!!!

I’m in! Send me an Uber eats and I’ll send it right over brother! I owe it to you you got me to start reading the book the battle…
so that would be the least I can do to pay you back!!

Wow, Vehkam! These two posts are amazing and inspiring. Thank you so much for these tools!