I was 19. I knew that the things I was doing were wrong. I also did not feel like I had any way to stop. I was desperate to talk to someone. Someone who would not judge me someone who would understand. I believed that person did not exist anywhere.  I did not think it was safe to reveal my secrets anywhere. So I told no one. And every night I cried.

I tried once after I got married. The person was somewhat helpful but they didn’t understand. They told me I was playing with my life. And I was. So I stopped for a couple of months at most. And then I fell back into it. 

Acting out was my secret. The longer I did it the bigger the secret was. One thing led to another I became entrenched in a deviant lifestyle. I made friends with many people from that lifestyle. It may have been just a few hours a week. At times perhaps the greater part of a day. But during these times I shed most of my commitments to live as a frum yid and engaged in as much promiscuous behavior as I possibly could.

The sensations and highs were liberating and intoxicating. The opportunity   was at times the stuff of dreams. When I was done I would compartmentalize my guilt. Put back on my tzitzis, white shirt and black pants and go back to frum society as if nothing had changed. 

I fooled myself into thinking that I was doing a good job of hiding everything. That I could continue the frum path and one day just stop all the deviant behaviors. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could not stop. The longer I engaged in these behaviors the less desire I had to stop. Every aspect of my spiritual life suffered. My learning, my davening, my speech, what I ate, who I related to were all affected. I was addicted to a lifestyle that was destroying me. And yet nobody in the world knew. 

It took me over three decades of struggling but bh With the help of Guard Your Eyes and intense therapy I am just about a year fully clean and sober. I am a healthier person than I was for my entire adult life. I am active on the GYE forums and try to help others whenever I can.

I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me?  Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me.

This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there.

We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped.  Together we can make a difference. 

I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me?  Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me.

This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there.

We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped.  Together we can make a difference.