Clean B''H. Doing somewhat better mentally over the past few days (except yesterday) and having an easier time pushing away urges. Yesterday was tough, but I pushed through and have pretty solid ways to generally avoid such days happening again.

Happy to be past the 3-week mark as well! I think I've only been here twice before. G-d willing I'll never be back here again. I've also passed a month without porn. Absolutely THANK G-D for WebChaver--complete game changer. Hope everyone's Pesach prep is coming along well.

Fell on both days of yom tov and each of the two days since. The stress, anxiety, and depression I've been dealing with just built up and became too much. The good news is that the porn images/fantasies have largely faded away at this point and none of the falls involved porn fantasies, so I'm taking that as progress--it's been 5 weeks since I intentionally sought out anything inappropriate online (aka since I installed webchaver). I have to stop falling though, especially when it's becoming a daily thing. I'm still most vulnerable right after waking up.

At this point, I really need to focus on addressing the mental health stuff that leads me down this path. At its core, the P&M are mostly just comforts/emotional crutches. My plan for addressing this is to get daily exercise, socialization, and meditation in. I can't miss days on any of these three things if I want to recover. Once I've stuck to this for a bit, I can see what else I can add to my plan.

One suggestion I might add to your plan is also to work in some easy and low hanging stress relievers. Exercise and meditation are great solutions. In my experience though, when I'm really low I might not actually have the will power or commitment to actually do them. In those instances, it might be good to use some easy yet harmless distraction/mood lifting like watching nature documentaries (in my case) or whatever benign feel good thing you happen to enjoy. Moving the balls of physical, mental, and spiritual health down the field all at once can be really hard. Of course all these goals depend on each other and are interrelated, but when I expect myself to get an A+ in all areas, and that in and of itself is my recovery plan, then my ambitions can fizzle out and I can end up wallowing in the failure of not attaining these goals. Apologies for the long winded response, but all this to say you might consider being easier on yourself and accepting maybe a B+ instead of an A+ in physical and mental health and doing things occasionally that look "unproductive" or like a "waste of time" in order to give yourself some space to breath. The underlying goal for being easy on yourself during certain times of course is to excel over the long term in all areas!

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Was B''H clean over a very nice yuntif, then fell twice yesterday. On the bright side, I now mark 45 days of not intentionally viewing porn or borderline stuff and I'm proud of that accomplishment! 

A bit on mental health. I have some diagnoses for various things... My thought process used to be that P&M didn't make my mental issues worse, but were just a symptom. When I started working on my recovery, I thought that they were the sole cause of my problems. Now I know that it's somewhere in between--I really do have some underlying problems, but P&M definitely are a piece of my mental health struggles. 

The fact is that I know how to make myself feel better. I literally always have some kind of tool I can use, but actually motivating myself to do anything is such a barrier. Lots to do this week in all areas of my life, so this is on my mind.

Clean BH. I had a big urge yesterday because someone mentioned a social media app that I used to look at shmutz on. (Kind of crazy what most of the world considers to be appropriate.) I felt like trying to access it. Thankfully I have webchaver so I couldn't do that, and right away I headed to maariv and davened about it, and BH Hashem took away the urge.

Amazing! Keep it up

Clean BH!

Heard a great idea from the Piacesno Rebbe HYD in a shiur--that after we daven for help with a difficult situation it is often ready to come down from shamayim, but it is waiting for a physical container of sorts. Often this is a mitzvah that we do. So I am continuing to daven for Hashem's assistance with this nisayon and making sure to do all them mitzvos I can.

I fell this morning after a week clean. However, I have just marked 50 days clean from looking at anything inappropriate, which is honestly huge. The images are fading, and I am progressing, even though I'm not perfect.

In the past 6 months, I have been clean from porn for 173 out of 181 days. That's 96% of days without something that used to be an almost daily habit. Meanwhile, I have been clean from masturbation 88% of days in the same period. That used to be every day, multiple times a day, just a couple of years ago. I enjoyed counting that up to put things in perspective, since I was feeling pretty down after my fall. 

Keeping your eyes clean is a tremendous life altering accomplishment. Keep a separate count for it and celebrate milestones. Be proud of where you are at. It is incredible.

Had a couple more falls last week, but had a clean weekend. I made a new Taphsic after not having one for a couple months. I found it helpful in the past but my previous one was pretty punitive and the whole thing kinda fell apart. IYH, will help this time.

Also established a solid recovery plan for the first time, with weekly step work, weekly listening to recovery shiurim, and daily exercise/meditation/socialization/learning. 

BH clean and holding at 6 days. I've successfully stuck to my plan this week and it really is a game changer. Even just a walk outside, brief conversation at shul, 2min meditation, and listening to a shiur on my commute fulfills the daily goals and has a massive impact. I haven't done step work this week, but will bli neder right before my 12 step meeting tomorrow.

Had a fall on Sunday and again today after doing one of the designated distractions in my Taphsic shvuah. In response I'm increasing the intensity of the distraction in hopes that it works next time.

Both of these falls were for emotional comfort, and came out of feeling depressed and/or tired. Both were also after days that I didn't do the each of the four things in my daily plan, and both times I felt worse after. Just a reminder to myself that it doesn't help!!!

Also I keep reminding myself what I really want to do--live a Torah life, go to shul, learn, get work done to provide for my family. 

I continue to be clean from looking at shmutz--holding at 66 days. 

Fell again today. I'm having a really hard time with staying clean when I feel apathetic/depressed, and in those times I don't even care about the taphsic knas. Invariably these times happen after not sticking to my good habits for days at a time. I just need to stick to the plan.

On the bright side, 70 days no porn!

Alright rabosai, it's time for me to revive my thread. Connection is the way to overcome these nisyonos, and I'm ready to bring more of it into my life. I hope to update at least a couple times a week going forward.

Since my last post over a year ago, I have gone through a lot of challenges. The biggest challenge I had contributed greatly to a fall last October after 134 days clean. Since then, my ability to stay clean has gone up and down, as well as my connection with Yiddishkeit and my overall mental health. One person who has helped me tremendously is Hashem Help Me--he is truly a mentsch and is doing so much for Klal Yisroel.

Today, I am seeing a lot of the brachos in my life. I have to be fully present for my family, for Hashem, and for everyone and everything in my life that deserves my commitment. To do that, I need to stay clean and move forward.