גבורות!!!

35 days! Still urges. I actually came somewhat close to falling (M) the past two mornings. Today I snapped out of it quicker. I think I need to get back on my step work and also get better sleep so I'm not so groggy.

38 days, pushing through it. I haven't updated the chevra on my davening situation in a bit, but I am now BH davening shacharis and mincha every day with little difficulty. I think I'm ready to incorporate maariv, honestly I have no reason not to at this point. So my goal from here on out is to daven every service! I have never been able to keep this up for more than a week, but I think I'm actually in a place where I can take it on successfully, G-d willing.

BT Again wrote on 24 Jan 2022 19:43:

You're amazing! Keep it up...
As a side note, davening Maariv when it is dark outside is symbolic of praising G-d even when things are dark and bleak. 

Checking in at day 44--the last few days have been incredibly hard on many fronts and I have come very close to falling. But I can't fall. How can I be a holy person if I'm a slave to this? Incredibly grateful for the fact that I am able to make a shvuah to hold me back in the worst situations, for shabbos, and for the amazing framework that Torah gives us. I'm on another forum for SA recovery and goyim struggle too, but they don't have the tools we do. We may as well take advantage of the gifts Hashem has granted us.

I've started writing down Torah verses and quotes to review regularly to keep me inspired; if anyone has ideas let me know.

Also been able to keep up davening!!!!

45 days, halfway to 90!!!!

Well, I fell (no visual stimulation) this morning, after oversleeping. It's been weeks in the making honestly, with built-up stress, triggers, and numerous close calls. This was a 48-day streak, but I recognize that my progress is not lost. I'm unbelievably grateful for this long and transformative clean streak.

I learned from this that I need to strengthen my shvuah; I did one of the distractions beforehand but it didn't stop me. I will be fasting until chatzos tomorrow, in line with the knas I put in place. I also added a second shvuah, which prohibits me from accessing certain triggering things and from edging (M without finish)--I am confident that this will truly make a difference. 

I also need to prioritize sleep (probably the biggest issue) and meditation, which I will be focusing on.

BT Again wrote on 03 Feb 2022 20:15:

sorry to hear that; onward!
during the 48-day-streak, you were edging (of which i wrote about once without calling it out by name)?

Yes, I didn't count it as a fall and didn't include it in my shvuah. It definitely didn't help.

I am amazed by your response to your fall. I hope you realize how special both your attitude and what you have accomplished are. Looking forward to seeing you get to even higher levels

Clean and no edging! 54 days no P, 6 days no M. Lots of mental health issues lately, but not really interested in falling because it won't help. Started working on 4th step (cheshbon hanefesh).

Kinda related since my secular job is affecting things--does anyone know of any way I can learn in yeshiva but still provide for my family financially?

Do you have a rav/rosh yeshiva? This is a discussion to have with such an individual...  Here you can get sympathy, chizuk, and the like.... for the "real thing" let's ask someone who knows you.

Yeah, I should reach out to some of the rabbis I know. Thought I'd see if anyone had any general advice, but that's probably the best advice someone could give on here--thanks!

Clean 7 days now. Had a better day yesterday BH.

Holding at 12 days. With Hashem's help I have been able to get a lot of stress relief from productive activities such as exercise, so I don't feel a need to engage in P&M (which of course don't provide real relief). Also holding at 60 days porn-free BH!

gevaldig gevaldig!!!