Thank you shtark for the chizuk and vekham for checking in. Baruch Hashem I made it through the night clean. Cranky and sleep deprived, but clean

great to hear. these are moments of greatness.

It's been a strange few days. Worked heavy hours earlier in the week and I haven't really bounced back from the feelings of sleep deprivation yet. I've had a very very strong yetzer hara to look at women in the street. I work on a college campus with year round warm weather and the pritzus here is pretty unbelievable. I've been losing the battle to look away while walking, and the shock of what people wear is strong enough to give my brain the same feeling of a "hit" that you might get by looking at something online. Although BH it's been a long time since I've looked at anything online I'm finding this is sort of a new way for me to act out. Thinking I will return either to reading Zos Brisi or the battle of the generation. The challenges right now are significant and the motivation is low

Stay away. Just stay far away.

Definitely read the book. Also keep reminding yourself every second you look away is a win. Even if eventually you can’t hold out. You should celebrate the time that you were able to hold back and recognize the accomplishment.

Thank you guys, I found this posted on the forum and it was very helpful:

guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov%20to%20Bochur%20News-story.mp3

Our subconscious minds are very clever. You BH stopped satisfying the urges and craves for the heavy stimulation of what is found online, so now you are being coaxed into noticing things on the street that never really excited you in the past - being that they couldn't compete with what the industry produces. The good news is that just as you were able to shift away from the computer shmutz, you will iyh learn control in the streets. As time goes on, the pull will be less intense.

HHM you are definitely right, I was surprised by just how intense the battle on the street has been this week. But, it makes sense that my yetzer hara would just shift the battle over to the next available beachfront once the internet is closed. I will get through this

committed_togrowth wrote on 01 Apr 2022 20:30:

You got this! If I can give Small tip which is good for me because I can use it as a reminder for myself and hopefully you’ll find it helpful too!
the more you realize all lust (wether it’s more extreme versions or not) isn’t gonna get you anywhere AT ALL! Your brain will have an easier time tuning it out. 

Well said. Recently I've been losing the battle intellectually, but I'm clarifying the root cause of that. I've realized my default response to adversity (major or minor) is to just get really upset and allow myself to get pushed to a dark place. In that dark place I'm basically searching like crazy for ways to numb and act out, and I lose clarity on how lust is an empty pit. BH I'm starting to see how being upset when life throws curveballs isn't necessary and it isn't necessary to suffer through adversity. Basically difficulty and happiness can exist simultaneously. Still working on these lessons but I'm starting to gain a better perspective

Wanted to post a one week post flip phone update here. Overall things have been going well! I had a few minor inconveniences come up during the week and had to pull out my old iPhone to use the web browser on it, but aside from those times I've been fully transitioned onto the flip phone. The hardest part so far was last motzei shabbos, which was the day after I got the new phone. Without wifi or people to spend the time with, I got totally overwhelmed by loneliness. It's amazing how much the internet can keep your mind busy and make you forget that you are lonely! It was so painful that I went out and panic bought myself some donuts and fell asleep very sad .

Aside from that night though, the biggest surprise is that the flip phone does not feel nearly as big a change as I thought it would be. It's nice to see my phone exclusively as a communication device, the fact that it has a clearly defined function brings some closure. I got a couple of weird looks and questions at work when I pulled it out but on both accounts my coworkers understood and respected what I was doing. I've realized I'm someone who depends on distraction to a degree to avoid the aforementioned crippling loneliness, and socializing is not always an option for me nor am I someone who can constantly study Torah. So, now I've started reading reading a kosher book by Charles Dickens called David Copperfield, it's a really great novel. I also download cool nature documentaries onto my computer while I have access to wifi in preparation for those times too. There's an amazing one called "The Year the Earth Changed" which records the degree to which wildlife has recuperated in the year that humans were less activity during Covid. Very uplifting, I would highly recommend it. 

Overall the flip phone has been a positive change, and not the life altering transition I imagined it would be.

committed_togrowth wrote on 31 Mar 2022 01:09:

Thank you for sharing this--I am having a similar nisayon and it helped. Also appreciated what you said about responding to adversity, great insight and helpful to my journey as well. Please keep sharing and inspiring the chevra!

Yasher koach on 100 days and switching to the flip phone!!!

committed_togrowth wrote on 03 Apr 2022 21:07:

You are a real true inspiration And I’m not saying it lightly! Your really showing the chevrah that it’s doable It’s so important! I can’t wait to do it soon too!! Btw, if your ever lonely feel free to reach out! My email is in my signature below. 

I regret to inform the chevra that I fell today. It was a miserable process from start to finish. I had a large public failure at work, then had to conduct 9 hours of work in what is essentially a closet where a particular instrument is located. This instrument feeds into an unfiltered computer. A large psychological trigger for me is being perceived as incompetent at work, and my mind unfortunately crumbled today under the stress. I did not have the mental resources to handle the day.

As I believe shtark said elsewhere on the forums, if someone falls apart after losing a long streak who are they really serving? G-d or themselves? I will not stop fighting this fight until I am victorious.

So sorry for your disappointment at work. I have a lot of anxiety when I am perceived as making mistakes at work and although I believe I do a good job, I can start doubting myself very quickly.

It is obvious that when this happened to you you went to your “safe place” As you continue along your journey as you will find and prepare safe places that are healthier.


It is important to see the difference between acting on urges which this was probably not; and using p&m to cover up pain - which this probably was. If you learn to recognize and identify your pain early on it will be easier to avoid the p&m that you are using as an escape.