Hi all, 

BH things have been going well these past few days. One strange annoyance has come up though. For the past three nights consecutively I dreamt that I looked at inappropriate stuff online. Not full on dreams w/night emissions which came up in my last streak, but more so stress dreams of looking at stuff on the computer. I go through the full cycle of sadness and regret and then wake up and have a huge feeling relief that it was just a dream. I do find it's not the most pleasant way to wake up but...maybe this is a good sign of change somehow?

Definitely is a good sign. look through the forums for the many posts about wet dreams and similar dreams being a sign of the conscious mind determined to staying clean.

That is encouraging!

1 month clean and 90 cumulative days clean! These past couple of days were a bit difficult, but BH I was able to keep a clear head and let the cravings pass. I think my next step will be to start talking with a GYE mentor over the phone 1-on-1. I've been putting off doing that because I haven't felt like I've had the energy, but I need to break through that barrier (looking at you HHM ). I'm a bit scared of failure now that I've gotten to a bit of a better place, so I'm going to write out a couple of encouraging ideas here that I've seen elsewhere in the forum.

HHM has said frequently that there is no physical buildup overtime when we refrain from taiva. That's a pretty incredible idea! There isn't a growing mountain of desire based on physical necessity that we need to increasingly struggle with. In that regard day 1 and day 31 are the same, and if I can make it from day 1 to day 2 I can certainly make it from day 31 to 32 just as easily. 

Another idea I saw was from Avrohom. He mentioned that we can simultaneously hold in mind two perspectives: on the one hand this is a daily path. We must take it a day at a time. On the other hand, we must know that we will succeed and ultimately be free. That is incredible motivating! It is itself a freeing experience to know that, with Hashem's help, I (and iyH each of us) will eventually succeed and come to live a life of kedusha. 

Thank you all for your continued guidance!

I need to vent on here for a bit. These past few days I've felt like a failure on various fronts of my life. Work tasks with impending deadlines have been looming over me, and even though I daven and try I can't seem to make the progress I need to. I've been hitting a wall with limud haTorah lately too. It feels like the ideas just aren't connecting. It's hard to have a feeling of self worth in times like this! Over the past few days the frustration and sense of depression has mounted a bit and I've had sort of momentary eruptive thoughts saying "just give in and look at some photos in will make you feel better!" BH I haven't allowed these eruptions to convince me to take action, but I'm feeling a bit battered. It feels like life can impose so many external expectations that sometimes it feels impossible to feel like I am succeeding. Nothing stings more than that I am somehow a failure. Apologies for the out of the blue rant, just need to express these feelings of frustration. I know this moment is temporary.

What is wrong with venting?!

In reality you have to give yourself some stress relief. If you have BH chosen not to  "just give in and look at some photos it will make you feel better!", you still have to take care of yourself. Exercise is a great option among others. Find kosher and healthy "pacifiers" and give yourself the self care that you need.

Hey keeping pushing thru… in my experience my most productive learning and getting work done happened when I was on a good streak of holding off. I really felt the siyata dshmaya in all other areas in life.
Hatzlacha!

Thank you for the encouragement all, I'm feeling optimistic about today

Another really hard day, had some fairly significant frustrations at work that were outside of my control this time but led to hours of time lost and my having to stay late. In the moments of frustration and fatigue the YH really pounced on me. He hasn't gotten the better of me but it's came close a couple of times. I thank Hashem for webchaver, it was the only thing today really that kept me clean. Hoping things will settle down soon

Day 50! The last time here I felt like I was holding on for dear life. This time, with the right tools and support, I'm feeling energized in my avodas Hashem instead of being worn down by it. I still have challenging days (today for instance was a bit turbulent), but I feel hopeful that I will achieve recovery and ultimately a life of kedusha b'ezrat Hashem. Thank you all for your continued support, especially HHM. On to the next milestone! 

Hi all, 

Logging on here to make a joke out of a series of unfortunate events in an effort to laugh at things that otherwise might agitate me, leading to getting triggered and falling. Last week and these coming two week are the heaviest three work weeks I have ever had. Each day is critical, because I'm under significant time constraints to perform certain tasks within a specific window. It also happens to be that the past three days I've been getting totally overwhelmed by urges to act out. Today, on one of the days where time is absolutely of the essence, I was working in a room that locks automatically from the outside. While working I accidentally broke a glass piece of equipment, and I rushed out to get gloves and a bag to collect the glass in. In my haste, I left the key along with my phone, computer, and bag locked inside the room. Other people who have a key to this room are away for their holiday. So, here I am locked out, watching critical time pass away uselessly, unsure of what I'm going to do about this and my only method of communication is on public computers. Please join me in laughing at the silliness of this situation. I walked around my workplace for about 15 minutes fuming about this situation and wanting strongly to act out, but I can really only look at this as coming from Hashem and I need to laugh this off.

it would've been even funnier if you had chosen to act out in middle of the workplace.

Keep up the good work and great attitude!

Had a fall on the day of my last post. It was a hard day and I lost that particular battle. In no way am I giving up though, and BH I'm being guided through this with my mentor. Just wanted to update the chevra here on how thing are going.

Hi all, 

A few weeks back I decided to delete Spotify because it's actually quite full of non-kosher content and contributed to my last fall. I feel that was definitely the right choice, but I find myself missing access to my music. Has anyone found a good solution to stream music from a safe, kosher service?