To see someone with back to back falls while going through a difficult time yet be able to pick himself up and say "I can pin it on some genuinely difficult things that happened last week, but that would be a mistake. The longer I hold onto excuses and blame things on external factors, the longer I will delay my growth."

To me, this is inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

Not assuming, but this sounds to me like the famous Dov post on the Nuclear Reset Button.

Could be, but I am consistently exerting effort in my learning and tefillah. I am more inclined to think that because I trying hard in those areas and I am not letting everything in my avodah go just because I am struggling currently in this one area particularly, I am still finding ways to connect and feel positive. Doesn't feel like a rise and collapse sort of cycle.

Wow! Hatzlacha!
it reminds me of a thought i had today. I live in a pretty religious place but still on the street i have opportunities to guard my eyes. I try to look away right away and say to myself, to Hashem, thank you Hashem for such beauty in the world, and for the opportunity to not look, and for my eyes that can see, and for taavas that help me etc.

I think it can be easy when we train ourselves and thank Hashem...

That's an amazing thing!!! Please ignore my last post then, and keep on growing in Torah!!

Been a little while since I posted on here. For a few weeks I got into such a cycle of failure and falling that it felt unproductive to come on here and post everything that was going on, would have been too much focus on the negative. Baruch Hashem for the first time in about six months I got to take some time away from work and see family. Once I came home to the support of family and got some breathing space from work, the whole struggle changed. I went from barely clinging on and simply not coping each day to not even giving a thought to lust. With the daily barrage of stress and loneliness removed I didn't even give a thought to going on the computer. A huge reminder to me of the importance of family, relationships, and taking time to rest and be present. The past few weeks of struggle were the product of a many months long intense period of burnout, though this will sound like a broken record to anyone who has read my forum. I'm leaving home and heading back into the thick of work and a very triggering environment in the next couple of days. I pray that Hashem keep my grounded and healthy. I have decently strong gedarim in place, but the strongest protection I can have is staying psychologically well. There is some fear that when I return from my trip I will also return to the very dark reality I had created for myself, but I feel ready to step back in. Today is also one week clean .

Wanted to share some reflections here. These past few weeks have BH been quite a time of renewal for me. I know most of what we talk about here is our struggles with porn and masturbation, but I recently made a choice that I believe is strongly related to this issue. Recently, I decided to stop drinking alcohol. My drinking habit has been a large source of stress and anxiety for me for a long time. It was something I had spoken to my family, to my rebbeim, and to my therapist on multiple occasions. Funnily enough the answer I got from each source was very similar. That my level of drinking was "normal" and within the recommended range for adult men. That as long as I was doing it in the evening really it was fine. That the fact that I could "control" my drinking meant I did not have a problem. But, it was the very fact that I had to control my drinking that produced such strong feelings of stress and anxiety. Controlling it really meant that I was always subconsciously wrestling down an inclination to drug myself with a depressant chemical. As I came around to making my decision to stop, many of the reasons I rationalized to myself on why I drank fell away. That I like the taste, that it relieves my stress, that it's fun etc. The simple fact was, I wanted to numb myself and experience my life less. 

So much of my attention has been put towards working on P&M that it is surprising to me that of these two habits, drinking is the one I have dropped first. It wasn't a shift that I was expecting or even one that I thought was possible. The sheer magnitude of my stress had made even thinking about not drinking just about impossible. I want to share a beautiful drasha on the month of Elul that I heard recently which  has really helped this shift. The Arizal explains that the passuk discussing arei miklat "אִנָּ֣ה לְיָד֑וֹ וְשַׂמְתִּ֤י לְךָ֙" contains the roshei teivos for Elul. As I heard it explained, it is noteworthy that this is actually the only explicit reference to Elul brought by the Arizal, although of course the Torah is replete with hints to Elul. Much of our usual thinking about Elul is a time of pressure. With Tishrei around the corner, there is a huge inspiration, but also a huge pressure to improve ourselves. This pressure can cause us to overlook perhaps the central aspect of Elul, which is that it is a time of refuge. When someone must flee to a city of refuge and makes it, there is a sense of relief he has in getting there and knowing he is safe. This is a feeling we should have when we enter Elul. We have made it through the year. It is a time to just be where we are and connect with Hashem. 

When I look back on the past year in a holistic sense, I actually am amazed by how much I was able to get done in the various spheres of my life BH. And yet, those strivings came with a cost. I became a less healthy person. I became someone who was frantic and anxious, someone who was occasionally and unfortunately too often embittered. I arrived at the gates of this Elul in a heap. I was too tired to keep all of the different plates spinning. So tired that really the only thing I could do was give up in a certain sense on forcibly constructing the life I thought I need to be living and to just ask Hashem to teach me how to live because I honestly do not know how. If you were to ask me six months ago what I thought my Elul would look like, I would probably given a perfectionist vision of me exerting myself in all areas of ruchnius, studying morning and night around a full time work schedule, davening with perfect kavanah etc. Instead, what I have experienced is a clarity on how to live firmly within my limits. A clarity on how much healing I need in my mind soul and body, and enough headspace to actually take steps towards that. It has become clear to me that I have been ill, and for a long time I was so scared of being ill that I only wanted to run away from it instead of getting better. BH I finally want to get better. It seems so obvious that if you are in pain or sick the thing to do is to identify and remove the cause! And yet for so long I haven't even tried to figure out what the causes are or admit that I was unwell, perhaps because I thought it was impossible to get better. It became obvious to me in this reflection that I no longer want to drug myself with alcohol. I no longer want to be so strung out. All I want to do is that which I am capable of doing, and to live in a relationship with Hashem. I thank Hashem for providing me with this month of refuge to heal. I think perhaps the highest form of "shteiging" and the best preparation for Tishrei I can do right now is to become healthy. The simcha and sense of I relieve I feel when I think about the path of recovery I have started is something I have not felt in years. We should all merit to become healthier and more whole people this Elul and move into Tishrei with a renewed sense of self. Thank you for reading if you made it through this whole thing

Two weeks clean BH. Best two weeks I have had in a long time. I referenced it in my last post, but ditching alcohol has provided me with a window into working on myself in a much more authentic way than was possible while I was drinking. I think this sort of general work that is being done is having fortunate spill over effects with the P&M struggle. Hoping to keep the train moving

Day 20 BH. Today was probably the hardest day I've had in the while in the sense that it was very overwhelming and full of triggers, but my skills in emotional regulation are definitely improving. Was able to get through it with my head on my shoulders.

DAY 27!!
i cant belive that i am b"h up to here 
in the last few years i was never clean for so long in one go 
from one side i am feeling much better but still need to work hard
vhashem yazor.

Today is day 30 BH. It's been a while since I've been in a healthy place like this. There is a lot of hope in the air right now. I'm tasting the possibility of making real and permanent changes to my life in a way that I have not had access to before. I think the main thing distinguishing this period from others in my life is the joy I'm finding in teshuvah and healing. In my reflections I've likened my own spiritual maladies to a person who has a severe but highly treatable disease. The thing is though, this person doesn't think he is sick. He thinks that his constant state of lowliness and pain is just how he is, it is just his state of being. On account of this, he goes on for years without ever seeing a doctor. Perhaps subconsciously he is scared to see one as he fears a terminal diagnosis. His disease grows and digs roots deeper into his being, but through those cracks a little voice starts to speak out. The voice asks quietly but persistently why is it that he feels like this. His injury and weakness also bring out sincerity. He finds to courage to finally see a doctor and gets told he has a disease that is killing him. This is the most joyful news he has heard in years! Why? Because he has a curable disease! His state of lowliness is not intrinsic. He is sick, and all he has to do is recover. Often we are scared of a diagnosis, but in spirituality nothing is terminal. A diagnosis is merely a road map towards health, and the process of treatment is thrilling as with each round you get better and better. This is the attitude I've been carrying into selichos this past week. I show up with hope and joy knowing I am taking the most powerful medicine of all, which is to come back with honesty into Hashem's loving embrace. This Rosh Hashanah may we all be zocheh to make Hashem King over our own lives, to stand before him in authenticity and closeness, and to move into Yom Kippur with feelings of hope, courage, and healing.

Just want to vent a quick complaint here because where else can I do it. How are we supposed to work a full day with all of the attention to detail and critical thinking it involves while fasting!! Moreover, how are we supposed to go from 50 hours of concentrated reflection on the very nature and purpose of our existence and then drop seamlessly back into managing mundane work tasks, meetings etc. And to do this while fasting!! I know a Jew is supposed to live in both worlds constantly, but it is such a hard ask in modern society.

Hope everyone had a connected Shabbos. Not too much to update about, but I'd like to get back into posting a bit more to stay plugged into this community. Been really connecting lately with the understanding that Hashem can lift us up totally and permanently from where we find ourselves no matter how low we have fallen. When I connect with that idea I start to feel joy and excitement. I've been trying to reflect on this as often as I can and to maintain contact with that feeling of joy. It feels a bit like feeling my own heartbeat. Wishing you all a good week and a meaningful Yom Kippur.

committed_togrowth wrote on 02 Oct 2022 03:35:

See attached file from the Shem MiShmuel - one remains a merkava for the Shechina, no matter what.

Your journey sounds so inspirational. I feel that I felt the same thing. That is, I felt the desire to live a life of kedusha. Keep up the good work.