B"H,
Hi everyone. On this forum, I'll be going by "H" (not related to my name, but my username), and I wanted to have a journey log for my 90 days. Today is my first day clean.

I've already typed out most of my story and how I got here on my introduction forum. It's been a really, really rough journey for me, and happened rather unexpectedly. EDIT: Somehow forgot to specify exactly what I'm battling, though it's touched on a bit on my intro post. I'm fighting what feels like a real addiction to both porn and masturbation; it's become a daily (or, on bad days, multiple-times-a-day) nuisance, to the point of being unable to relax, or sometimes unable to even sleep. I need to take control of my life.

This isn't my first trip down the 90 path; when I was a young teen, I struggled a lot with self-harm and self-abuse. I went down that path alone because I was too scared to tell anyone. It's been over 4 years since I last fell on that path, and that feels good. My day counter is what truly saved me from that-- being able to look at my calendar and say "Hey, look, it's been a whole week! 2 weeks! Now a month! B"H, a whole year!" Before I knew it, 4 years had passed, and I stopped updating it. I felt at peace; the urges, for the most part, are gone, and when they return, reminding myself 4 years of progress is enough to keep from slipping.

But this hurts just as much, if not more, and it sucks to be going down this path again. However, it feels much, much better to not be doing it alone. I'm way too terrified to tell anyone I know in real life aside from my wife, but between her, GYE, and Hashem, I feel like I'm in good hands. I hope this day tracker keeps me just as safe.

Alcoholism and addictive behavior runs in both sides of my family, so I only drink on holidays around family I feel safe with, never under pressure or more than required. I've experienced more than enough trauma and loss from family members smoking and doing hard drugs to ever be interested in coming close to either one of those. Up until recently, I've been relatively good at controlling my mind, body, and soul. I feel like I've really slipped and fallen hard, as described in my intro post. I really want to get better. I never want this to become as dangerous as my family's addictions.

I'm not very familiar with forum etiquette, and I'm still learning everything GYE has to offer. So far, I've explored the forums, the help buttons, chats, handbook, and a few other minor features. Thank you to those who have read this far and engaged with me. I'll work on condensing my posts in the future. I felt like it was best to get everything out now.

hiddenrose wrote on 03 May 2021 02:02:

Wow, sounds like you did have it rough.
as your anonymous name suggest, there is a rose amongst the thorns.

vent away and share to your hearts desires.
We are all family here.

wishing you much success!

(Pro tip- for some reason if you write a long reply or post when you click submit it might not be posted and your post is lost. To make sure you don't lose your post just copy the text just in case)

Hi! Welcome!

​I'm gonna suggest that you check out The Fight by Rabbi Shafier. It's a series of incredible classes. And The Battle of the Generation. It's a great ebook. Both are free and the links are in my signature below.

Hatzlocha!

B"H, 

Work has kept me very busy. My job involves very intense, heavy labor, and has become even more intense this week as we prepare for our usual summer business boom. It's very hard work, long hours, and not a lot of socializing, but other than that, I can't complain too much. Hashem has blessed me with a job that pays quite well, and lets me live a comfortable life outside of work to take care of my family. I can't say that I ask for much more than that. The only true caviat is that it leaves me absolutely exhausted. I guess thats a good thing in this case, though, as it leaves me too tired to chase after my desires. 

I had a small slip the other night, but I did not fall. It actually served as a learning experience. I've come to realize my true battle is with porn, although both porn and masturbation play into my troubles. Once I started slipping, my urge to fall felt unbearable, but the filters on my phone kept me from looking anything up. Once that stopped me, I realized I needed to sleep so that I could handle another day of work without being even more exhausted. As I fell asleep, I almost felt like I was being cradled, like Hashem was holding me, and I felt truly blessed. It's been a long time since I haven't felt ashamed and alone. It feels so, so nice to channel that energy into positive distractions. As of today, I'm officially 3 days clean (It's still the 5th of May for me-- it seems I'm about a day or so behind the local GYE time).

I did come very close to falling, though. Without the combination of both work AND filters stopping me, I worry I may fall, and it makes me anxious as I approach the weekend. I hope to channel that energy into other positive distractions, like learning and hobbies, rather than my urges. I hope its enough. 

I hope everyone here is doing well. Thank you to everyone who has engaged with me and sent me positivity and kindness. I wish everyone a very pleasant week, as I do not know how often I'll be able to post as work continues to intensify, but I promise-- to hold myself accountable-- to post this weekend.

How are you doing buddy?