Thanks for all the responses, I'll try respond tomorrow when it's not so late bn

I think a page out of Chassidus is very helpful here.  Even if you “fall” as you put it, do not waste anytime beating yourself down.  Recognize it and move on.  Spend the day thinking positive thoughts.  

Looking_to_improve wrote on 16 Aug 2021 22:21:

U good?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 18 Aug 2021 19:06:

Yeah, just a response won't be so quick to write up...

I'm gonna try respond to wngu and yeshiva guys posts now, I'll see if I can reply to both now, but not sure I'll have enough time

wilnevergiveup wrote on 16 Aug 2021 20:41:

I think I understand the point you are making quite well. When I look at the outcome of what I'm doing (Ie: acting out), then I question and doubt whether "I'm do(ing) everything in your power to achieve that goal". 
Maybe it could be that even I did everything that I could, it might still result in me acting out, and Hashem would be happy with what I've done, but I struggle to identify with that. Ultimately I believe that a result of doing everything I can, will be staying clean, and anything less than staying clean, therefore means I'm not doing everything I can. 


The hard part is finding out how to put it more effort effectively, and not cause more panic, or more stress by going overboard, which I think can often happen in this area. I think taking a more calm, relaxed approach (although not a lax approach- if that makes sense) is going to work for me. 

@Yeshivaguy thank you for your response, I appreciate the time it takes to write a long post, so thank you for taking time out your day for it.

I'll try intersperse your post with my comments, hopefully it won't mess up the formatting too much... 
[In the end i realised that I misunderstood your point, and didn't differ as much as I thought at first, I deleted my original response]
I think what I meant to say was that I identify myself and success in the area of shmiras einam and bris, by my streak. (And in the other areas of my avodas Hashem by my success in those areas, and together the total combination is how I define myself. Not that my streaks define everything about me)

" I want to try have something to show for it this RH and YK" - when I said this, I meant specifically in this area I want to have something to show for it, not that the other areas of my avodas Hashem don't count for anything. I think my follow up post was also in a similar vein, but I didn't make that so clear. In the same way that I have something to show for working on other areas of my avodas Hashem on RH and YK, I would like to be able to do the same in this area.


From a friend who struggles to sign off long messages with a good greeting
LTI

Looking_to_improve wrote on 18 Aug 2021 21:46:

I think you are right, it's very hard to figure these things out by yourself.... 



That's why you shouldn't.

I feel you 100%, I can never know if what I am doing is enough or too much or whatever and I am never sure of myself. I went through most of my life so far second guessing myself and feeling guilty for either not doing enough or doing too much and burning out.

I learned to ask for help, that was the only way. I can ask a Rebbi what he thinks, I can ask a Rav what he things, I can ask a close friend if he thinks what I am doing is okay. I even started talking thigs over with my father and some of my siblings, turns out, they are the people who I can talk to about even the most private things. They care the most (You do have to beware of people who will use you for their own ego, but if that happens, just don't open up to them again). My therapist is also great.  

It wasn't easy, and the people who worked for me may not work for you, but if you could find someone who can tell you if you are doing enough, it will be much easier.

Do you have a therapist? Do you speak to anyone about private things (other than GYE stuff)? If you are uncomfortable you can call someone like HHM, or even the GYE helpline (does it work?). I know that @MenachemGYE is also amazing although I am not sure how to get through to him (he is the helpline?).

Eventually, you can actually start figuring this out on your own too. 

How are you doing man?

So? Hows it goin?

Ok. I've been acting out kinda regularly recently. I threw away an old phone which wasn't filtered...
Last night I had some taiva halfway through selichos, and it was very strong when I got back home. Managed to not to act out then, but eventually after I showered and went to bed, I got back out and went to act out.
I still read most of the posts on the forum, just I haven't been posting myself.

Not really sure how I'm supposed to do genuine teshuva for this, but it doesn't really seem like the right thing to me to delay doing teshuva, so I'm feeing a bit stuck. 

Looking_to_improve wrote on 12 Sep 2021 22:47:

It really takes a lot of courage and strength to come back. Very impressive.
That is amazing that you were able to throw out that old phone.

I don’t recall us going through step by step what the precise problems there are, meaning which devices are a prob and when?
Also, what are you doing daily? College? Do you have a learning seder?
Do you feel you’re growing in other parts of Avodas HaShem?

“Genuine teshuva,” not sure what you mean by that…
The only mahalach I can offer is the one I try to follow which is turning to HaShem with a “Lev Nishbar,” admit that we have faults and make mistakes and beg HaShem to bring us close…

Keep in touch, and maybe speaking to a certain GYE chaver sometime may help

YeshivaGuy

Dear @squareone Hatzadik,

Nice to "hear ur voice" again. I just want to put 2 things into perspective:
​1. It's extremely important that you don't just label the whole previous Tekufa as a falling one. You have to realise that you only fell at the exact moments that you actually fell. However knowing you, I'm sure there where times were you diverted ur attention and didn't give in, or at least you tried pushing it off until you eventually fell. this cant be overlooked. this has given HKBH a tremendous Pleasure directly from you. Besides, you also Davened/made brochos/learnt Torah even though you perhaps didn't have much Cheshek too, which are all incredible Zechusim. 
Its not good enough just to feel that "wer'e not bad" we must feel "were amazing" there are not many out there like us.
This leads to my second point,
2. My Mashgiach once told me that some Bochrim spend thier whole Yom Kippur mainly focused on this Aveira, and it's a grave mistake, because if he falls again after Yom Kippur, then he feels that his Yom Kippur has just gone down the drain. Whereas what about focusing on Aveiros like Loshon hora, bittul torah, zeman Krias shema, bein odom Lechavero etc etc then its easier to hold on after yom Kippur.

Just my 2 cents.
Remember: the past or future is irrelevant now. All that matters now is my struggle at the moment, one urge at a time and HKBH might say the coming year will be the one where @Square one will finally break free.

Well done. Keep up the good work,

​An admirer. (one of many....) 

How's everyone's dear friend doing?! 

Know, that we haven't forgotten about you.....

I'm still here, I haven't gone anywhere. I kind of lost the patience and desire to post, but I'm still lurking on the forum pretty much every day, so although it feels like I'm not here, I kind of am. 
I'm masturbating maybe 1-2 times a week at the moment, but I think I've improved a bit with shmiras einam, I haven't watched porn or similar in a few week.


Last point for now is that I'm starting to doubt if it's healthy for me to hang around reading all the posts here. I spend enough time in my day with sexual thoughts, I don't think obsessing over it by reading people recounts of their day, only in their struggles of this area is a healthy balance. I don't read about others recap about their avidas Hashem throughout the day, so focussing on this seems to not be healthy. (Not in a triggering way, but just a bad obsession) imagine I struggled with shmiras shabbos, I wouldn't obsess about it all week with an online forum.

Good shabbos for nowLTI