Looking_to_improve wrote on 31 May 2021 22:43:
Still trying to search for things to look at.I haven't internalised my thoughts, and they aren't reflected in my actions. I have more taiva than I remember this far into a streak. I need to stop being overly reliant on my filter
I thought of this once, nothing to do with you but you reminded me so I am going to write it on your thread, I wonder what you think.
I find that I masturbate basically whenever I am not doing anything else. But the guilt kills me so instead, i search for stuff to trigger my, then I am an
ones right?
Haha right? No that's really what goes through my mind sometimes. I feel better with "triggering myself" There's no
issur in the Torah for triggering myself blah blah blah. But masturbating? I didn't have a choice, what could I do, I was triggered!
I don't have any advice for you, just hang in there. It's not easy but try to focus on the how strong you are for getting a strong filter (I assume) and thank Hashem for making filters in the first place. We have so much to be grateful for but my filter literally saves my life time and again. I don't think it's a healthy sign, but it's where I am at right now so I am grateful for that.
In High school we once read a poem called "A Fence or an Ambulance" which basically described a debate whether the town should put up a fence at the edge of the cliff, or just put an Ambulance at the bottom. I am not referring to filters here as the fence, I am just trying to bring out that when you fall off the cliff, you need an Ambulance, when you hit the fence, you just bounce back. When we do have filters in place, and we do hit the fence, take as a reminder that all you need to do is bounce off it and walk back into town.
Wishing you hatzlacha,
Wilnevergiveup
