Ok, here I go again. It's been a few years since I became aware of this problem and there has been a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs. The longest clean streak I accomplished is 28 days, which is great, but feels pathetic in light of the time I've spent trying to achieve just that.

This time has to be different. I am dating a girl seriously and hope to get married within the next few months. I refuse to bring this problem into the relationship. I will let her know about my struggles in general, she deserves to know what she's getting into, but I will not make her go through the hardships I've had with it. She's too good for that. I am determined to have it under control by my wedding night. 

I'm on day 8 right now and I will not fail. 

Activities I've taken on to ensure this time works:

1. Guardyoureyes
2. Daily exercise - alternatively calisthenics and running
3. Daven daily - at least once
4. Learn daily - at least one mishna
5. Daily mindfulness meditation

Awesome! I love your username. I'm surprised it wasn't taken yet.

Wishing you much hatzlacha! 
Cant wait to see you reach the stars.

Those are some solid steps to get you going. If you can stick to them I'm sure you'll do great!

Where There's A Will, There's A Way!

Vil Nor in Yiddish means “if only you will it”, a popular saying referred to the great scholar the Vilna Gaon (genius of Vilnius - 1720-1797) , a saying that suggest that if you want it enough- nothing is out of reach. 

Your name might be Fool, but you're very smart! Welcome!

Please check out these great free resources:

Great book (ebook) for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. 


Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/


Also, you can sign up for the daily GYE Boost emails/ whatsapps at www.gyeboost.org.

You can add these onto your plan:
6. Read one or two pages a night from The Battle of the Generation 
7. Listen to one shiur a week from The Fight
8. View the Daily Boost email every day.

Adding consistent daily chizzuk will keep you motivated better and make your plan work more.

Hatzlocha and please keep us posted,
Captain

Welcome my friend. Understanding that when it comes to this, we are indeed a fool is key. Stick around and post daily. It is a brutal struggle, but well worth the pain. Hatzlacha! 

How's your journey so far, fool? 
(I don't know why it feels funny mentioning your nick name) 

Thanks everyone for your kind words! I felt the name was pretty fitting due to the consistent foolish actions in this arena. I hope not to live up to it in the future.

My addiction became very severe before this clean period, to the point where I developed ED even while watching P. Unfortunately this did not immediately initiate rapid change, but I am using the fear that I'm broken to help fuel the change now.

Update:
My second week wasn't so bad. I went into a "flatline" for a few days starting on the 8th day and had zero libido. This made it fairly easy as my normal triggers didn't really affect me (I do my best to avoid them of course, but I do live in the modern world). I also got sick with a cold for a few days. Normally being sick is a big trigger, especially when I am in bed a lot. I use the dopamine rush to feel better. But this time I didn't even really feel that urge.

I know this period will not last, my libido is already starting to come back. From previous attempts I know it starts to get really hard after around 25 days. Last time I got to that point I had two days of incessant cravings, all day. My mind constantly convincing me that I had to fall, that I was falling, that I had basically already fell. It was perhaps the longest and most intensely painful experience I've ever had. I felt like I was being tortured. It used every tactic and I gave in in the end. 

This time will be different. I have done way more research and have started the activities I listed in my first post. I can tell that my thinking on  this topic is in a different place than it ever was before. This time feels more final. 

Based on my research and experience, the most difficult time for me will be from 25-60 days, with it starting to taper off at around day 40. So 15 days of max difficulty. That is a reasonable amount of time, I can do that. God willing it will be less than that, but if worse comes to worst I can do 15.

Based on everything I've read, here and on other sites, I know that the other side of 90 days is much easier. Sure, many people still fall after 90, but it is not due to the intense pain of day 25-40. There are other challenges after 90, and those do still require diligence, but the main addiction is already broken at that point, and relapse becomes less likely than at the early stages. 

I am going to stay on top of this and make this time count. I will not fail.

I don't want to discourage you chas"v, but after 90 the battles are the same. I had some of the hardest ones recently. The only difference is that you aren't the same person. You learn how to say no, fight, strategize, and battle smartly - but all in the face of THE SAME intensity levels.

If a person doesn't become complacent, and stays vigilant every minute, only then will he remain clean.

The only difference I feel, is that the battles aren't as often when being cognizant that you must never let down your guard.

I only say this, because I do not want you to work towards a goal, and feel discouraged when what you expected doesn't pan out. Go in with the correct mindset and find and find mighty success.

Fool wrote on 28 Feb 2021 16:26:

Wow! Your resolve is amazing! I've definitely experienced the flatline where my normal triggers did not affect me. However, that was only the first week for me. I'm glad you're going into this prepared and not as naive (as me). Definitely rooting for you to make it!
Hatzlocha!

Keep it up, fool!
Keep inspiring us with your courage!

כי פתי יאמין לכל דבר, והכל כפתיים אצלו ית׳.
ואני בער ולא אדע, בהמות הייתי עמך. ואני תמיד עמך.
(עיין לקוטי אמרים תניא, פרק י״ח).

I recently heard from Dr. Patrick Carnes that it takes 40 days to just get the brain to realize that change is coming. Then an additional 90 days to start effecting some change and finally a couple of years to actually get properly sober.

Wishing everyone a great journey to success!

Fool wrote on 28 Feb 2021 16:26:

If only the fight would be over after 90 days! I don’t mean to be discouraging but I’m holding past 90 days and like Grant wrote the intensity is still there to slip. But maybe it is encouraging to know that even before 90 days you are struggling the same beast that someone who is holding at day 121. I’m not a different type of person than you just because I’m here. I also had to start with a single digit days and then double digits and I need to hold myself back from starting all over again. Hang in there. We’re here to fight!

I don't know that its exactly the same. For one thing, the knowledge of how far you have gone and what you are capable of getting through is a big difference. I also feel the periods of difficulty come less frequently and usually not the same strength. Not always, and the fight is still there, but it's not the same, all life encompassing battle. Or maybe it's us who change.