excellence wrote on 26 Mar 2023 18:55:

Thank you, Reb Excellence! It's good to see you around again!

I've been struggling the last week. Your progress has inspired me today. Thanks, OivedElokim.

Hey OviedE, your a source of Ohr (light)! Amazing moves, 10 complete days!!

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 27 Mar 2023 12:50:

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that you shared that. It helps make my journey feel meaningful and worth it.

I wish you much success in your own struggles. May Hashem grant you clarity and motivation to pursue the goals that really matter, and may he allow you to enjoy the ride. 

All the best,
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 27 Mar 2023 13:59:

Love watching your journey as I said earlier, but now I sense a true dedication of the journey for yourself, by you validating and encouraging others, I think that it's very chashuv and you are aware of pitfalls and what may be necessary to surpass the stages and drive, soon we will all get there. Hatzlacha

Day #11

Over the past few days, I've been struggling with fantasies and urges to masturbate every night in bed, plus sometimes during the day. But I'm holding up pretty well, don't engage in any risky or borderline behavior (like edging, כידוע ליודעי ח"ן - pun intended...) I have a specific person that I consistently fantasize about. I won't get into details but it's gonna be real difficult to get her out of my mind. But I'm determined to get through this, through hell and high water.

I have several motivations for wanting to kick these habits. There's the impact such habits could have on a future marriage, and there's a strong element of religious guilt and shame. That's why I started this journey 11 days ago. Then there's the knasos that I'd like to avoid and the incentives I'd like to earn.

But what's really been keeping me going lately is the good feeling of being clean, of being free of self destructive and immoral behaviors. I do not fully understand it, and I certainly cannot explain it to you, my dear friend, comrade-in-arms and reader. But it's a hell of a drug and it's really propelling me forward. I hope I can maintain my momentum and go on to live a life free of lust and full of love to God, my fellow man and most importantly (at least to me, right now) my future beautiful, kind and gracious wife.

Wishing you all success. Also, I really appreciate those of you who take the time to click "thank you", up my karma (yes, I'm that insecure...) and most of all-post on my thread. It really helps me feel like I'm making progress and that other people have a stake in my success. Thank you so much, I sincerely and deeply appreciate it, please keep it up,
OivedElokim

OivedElokim wrote on 27 Mar 2023 22:46:

Powerful! So beautiful, thank you for sharing!

Day #12

Ok so I had multiple very close calls last night. Not gonna get graphic so as not to trigger anyone but I was seconds away from ejaculating.
I thankfully managed to get a grip but it was very difficult. That being said, I never considered breaking my contract in terms of consuming erotic content visually or otherwise.

I'm starting to feel like my defenses are weakening and my desire is growing. My internal conversation last night gave me a lot of cause for concern for the following reason: I don't have a very strong motivation to not masturbate. My emunah in Hashem and especially the Torah is quite weak at the moment, so the religious considerations don't mean that much to me (though I'm conflicted cause part of me really does care. Are you as confused as I am? Good!). In terms of future relationships, I don't think a bit of masturbation would me that damaging. What I'm left with is a desire to keep up my streak (for some reason) and to prove that I have self-control. If I don't figure out something more compelling, I think it's only a matter of time until I fall again. And I don't want that to happen.

I realized that this post is not logically consistent because I am saying that I don't want to fall while simultaneously claiming that I don't really care if I fall. But that's how I feel, I can't really explain it...

Any advice or insight would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading!
OivedElokim

Your such an inspiration!! Theese feelings of contradiction exist in all human beings, it's the real me vs the fake me.

We are all full of contradictions, as excellence wrote, a part of us wants to masturbate, and a part of us wants us to refrain. Maybe explore why that part of you feels like it must masturbate, and equally why part of you feels like you must refrain. And maybe you can find out what you would 'value', and if I may say same with emunah, the part who asks the questions, and tells you that you don't really care, what's his concern, and what does you instinct say. Perhaps an outside person would be a help.

I like you alot bro

OivedElokim wrote on 28 Mar 2023 15:40:

I somewhat know the idea you feel, I can’t say much though, best maybe if you can have a quick few minutes with a close Rav or Ba’aleh Mussar, those such people can sit and speak out in detail and understand hopefully to the T. 

I have done so, I gained closeness to the Rav (It was a first time speaking to him) and any follow up and other question regarding these questions of either polar opposite drives in me or other types of questions. It inhances us, the untrained mind and Mainly I say this because You can speak out what YOU are FACING- more practical to YOU. 

(IT isn’t a lecture to 20-100 people that he is speaking to you, just not as detailed because he needs to range it out based on the crowd; rather he it actually pertains to you)...

obviously do so out of your comfort, don’t force yourself to ask if you aren’t or not ready.

OivedElokim wrote on 28 Mar 2023 15:40:

Hey OivedElokim. I beg to differ with what I bolded in your post above. Besides the halachic prohibition of masturbating (which is obvious and I'm not here to discuss right now), the problem with masturbating is that it requires you to focus your mind on a sexual fantasy and lust. And sexual fantasy and lust (besides being איסורים דאורייתא, see Tosfos Avodah Zarah דף כ׳ ע״ב) will destroy one's life/marriage/relationship with Hashem/and more, maybe insidiously, maybe in a clear and quick way. This is the key realization: there is never a masturbation without a fantasy. If you don't let your mind stay on lustful thoughts, you will not masturbate.
Hatlzacha.

OivedElokim wrote on 28 Mar 2023 15:40:

Hi Reb G-dServer! As our friends have written above, all of us have contradictions, because we have conflicting desires. That's part of the human condition. If I may add, you wrote at the end that you are worried because you don't want to lose your motivation for being clean. Then you wrote that you're being inconsistent, because you also wrote that you don't really have a desire to stay clean. What I would think that tells you is that you definitely have a desire to stay clean, you are just not sure what is fueling that desire, you're not sure why you have that desire. Maybe you can spend some time thinking about the reason you don't want to masturbate, you might discover interesting things about yourself. And it may help you strengthen your resolve to hold strong and keep up the streak. My friend, please keep sharing your inspirational story, and keep trucking!

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 28 Mar 2023 19:45:

Thanks for weighing in. I take your point, will think about it. My attitude expressed above is based on the guidance I received from the great R' Hashem Help Me. Maybe he can weigh in and clarify his stance on the matter, but the way I said it is what I understood from him, and I view him as my poisek on these matters.

Day #13

Don't have time for a longer post today. But I'm clean, BH.

See ya'll tomorrow,
OivedElokim