Wow, what a story!

Please keep in mind that it is possible to break free, many of us here have been through similar situations and have seen success here.

The key is to stick to a program, through thick and thin. There is no magic, these things take time effort and commitment. Keep strong, this journey has it's ups and downs, it will get rough so be prepared to hold on with all your strength. Even if you fall, never let go and never give up!

The first step I thing is finding motivation, the second is to make a proper plan.

Keep us posted.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Me too

How are we holding up?

Zedj wrote on 24 Jan 2021 23:35:

^?

Hi everyone, I have been away for a while but not absent from the struggle against porn. I sat here several different days and thought about what to write, but could not come up with anything. I'm not sure if I felt like a hypocrite, or ashamed, or simply exhausted. I have continued to fall every few days. I would actually like to be MORE angry and frustrated with myself than I am. Part of me has fallen back into accepting this as my reality. Being okay with it. 

But another part of me is not okay with this! This is why I return here again and again. I also do the Lakewood online SMART meetings Sunday mornings, and some other SMART recovery online meetings during the week when I can. I talk to a close friend who is in the same struggle and we support one another. And I get chizuk from some of the other GYE guys I am in touch with. 

Still, though, my addiction has control of me. I take action, even, to get around my phone filter. I don't apply the tools that I know could help me to overcome an urge. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 this morning because of this. I feel like garbage, although it's not all so bad - I had coffee, and water, and breakfast, and I would still like to get some things done today. 

The sun is shining outside. And I know - but need to feel and act on the knowledge, more and more - that the rest of my life is in my own hands.

in_ardua_tendit wrote on 08 Mar 2021 17:38:

This attitude is fraught with danger. Rabbeinu Yonah writes that the prerequisite to avodas Hashem is for a person to be aware of his own chashivus. Otherwise, if a person views himself as a piece of garbage, then there would be nothing holding him back from indulging in his bad desires; why should he put forth effort to fix himself if he feels he’s not worth anything?
No one ever conquered a nisayon overnight; it’s a process of falling and rising multiple times. In a famous letter, Rav Hutner writes to a person who was struggling with difficult nisyonos, that we are under the mistaken impression that Gedolim were born great. Quite the contrary-- what made them great was their nisyonos.

Hashem understands the great challenge of self-control. He relates to you on an individual level and realizes how hard it is to win this battle. He knows the emotions you experience when you want to give in to your desires. He feels your pain when you sway back and forth and are torn over what to do. Since He created the challenge and put it in the world, surely He understands better than anyone else how difficult it is to overcome.

By realizing Hashem’s unconditional love for us, we can experience the most comforting feeling in existence. Regardless of how far we have fallen, Hashem still loves us and cares about us.  He loves us and values us unconditionally because we are His creations!

Thank you for this, I think it was just what I needed to hear. What is chashivus?

in_ardua_tendit wrote on 08 Mar 2021 18:36:

self-importance

I had a fall again this morning. Even with the tightened filter I can still access some pornography if I try. One issue is I have preserved access to the Twitter app. Typically I do not use this app for pornography at all, but when my access is restricted elsewhere, I will turn to it. I went ahead and deleted the account I have used in the past to access pornography. I feel resistant to eliminating access to the app on my phone. Maybe this is its own kind of (non-pornographic) addiction.

I am glad though that instead of letting this fall "ruin" my morning I got up, showered, cooked breakfast, and have sat down to work.

Work is another thing that stresses me out and makes me want to do things to avoid it (like watch porn). My email inbox seems to be always overflowing with more than I can deal with. Instead of taking it piece by piece, it seems like somehow it's easier to try to ignore it. Of course, this does not end well though I seem to squeak by.

I just realized I was having an urge. I am feeling torn over whether to go outside for a walk, or for a run (and which to do) - it's very nice and warm and sunny for the first time in a while - or to have lunch, or to do more work/email. I then noticed I was getting an urge to use porn and masturbate stemming from this feeling of being torn, of having to decide, of not knowing which is best, of not knowing what I *should* do. Feeling guilty over being behind on work, and on cleaning the kitchen, and not exercising like I should, too. If I use porn and masturbate, the feeling goes, time will pass by, and this feeling will also go away. But that's not what I am going to do.

So I sat for a minute with the feeling (which I am still having to some extent) and wrote about it in my journal. I also shared the outlines of what I'm writing here with a few trusted friends and partners. I have realized that I am hungry right now, and that intensifies the feeling/urge. So I am going to do some dishes and eat some lunch. Then maybe I will go for a walk, or do some work while I digest first. 

I feel like I am growing just from realizing this! 

Great job!
For me, social media is a huuuuuge trigger!

Have you considered removing all social media from your devices?

I'm really attached to the Twitter app...it has some positive things for me, but sometimes I do think I should get rid of all.

Social media has its pros and cons. It depends on what you mainly use it for. If you use it to keep in touch with friends and family then I think you should keep it because of all the good that could come from that. But if you're using it to waste time reading random posts and looking at things you shouldn't be then I honestly think you should think about getting rid of it. It'll be hard at first but over time you'll realize that you're better off without it. I used to have a twitter account of my own a little while back. I loved it, I could know whatever was going on in the world in seconds. But it was also a place where I would go when the urge was too strong for me to give in to it. I never thought I would ever delete it but it was actually someone on twitter that convinced me to do that. Ever since then I think I've been a better person. I've saved lots of time that would of been spent on twitter. I'm no longer forced to see the opinions of everyone in the world, especially the negative ones. And finally, it's no longer really a place for me to go to mess up. Think about it. Everyone is different, but I think it could be worth the sacrifice. 

in_ardua_tendit wrote on 10 Mar 2021 02:37:

It's very freeing. Very recommended. I very much relate to not wanted to remove it.

Maybe you can think about it like this: is your sobriety more important than the benefits of the twitter app? There is a post from R' HHM from about a month or 6 weeks ago that went something like "previous generations had to give up food and parnasa for shabbos. The least we can do is give up our enjoyments/interests for kedusha"

If certain pages are needed, they can usually be allowed on the "classic" jewish filters. (let me know if you need help with that) It is still VERY MUCH BIDIEVED. We can never know what we will see. (I should really listen to that last sentence myself)

I have deleted the app off of my phone countless times. In moments of boredom I put it back on. I have acquaintances and a few real friends (from real life) on there, and I do get enjoyment out of communicating with them. I also learn a lot about Torah and world events from people on Twitter. But, it is a big time waster and I also get tempted to look at inappropriate content on there. Sometimes I realize what a big hold my phone has over my attention, my thoughts, and my time. I would like to break free. But similar to the feeling of breaking free from porn, I'm left with that nagging feeling of: what then?