Hooya!! Keep trucking!

Grant400 wrote on 07 Nov 2020 23:39:

The way I'm understanding it, the crux of the question is: "How much time am I spending watching when I know that I should be doing something else instead?"

Truth be told, I’m having a hard time answering this question because the answer would be: “It depends.” It depends on my mood, energy levels, how busy I am,…

I am not the type of person that will be up at two or later in the morning watching. No, that's not me. Yes I might spend some of my latest wake hour(s) watching, but I know my limits. I try to be in bed between 11-12. It's true that I might tell myself that I'll be in bed at 11 and end up being in bed only at 11 45 just because I was watching something. But I don't think that it's crazy abnormal. 

Also when I know that I have something important to do I will do it and try not to get distracted by watching. Yes, I might take unnecessary watching breaks, but I do know  that there are times that cannot be interrupted by an episode or movie.

Having said that, I must add that I do feel a strong pull sometimes to watch and just escape reality.
Using the excuse of a ‘light break’, when I am studying at home on my laptop, I will sneak in sometimes a short watching session that I wouldn’t have done otherwise with something like reading a book.

Another thing is that I end up watching almost every day. Sometimes just 20 min. and sometimes it can escalate up to an hour or two (and even three), depending on how much time I have on my hands. I sometimes feel so guilty at the time wasted on these things. Especially when corona first broke out and I was having an ‘extended’ bein hazmanim I was wasting hours upon hours polishing off one season after the other, something I am not very proud of. Baruch Hashem it’s much more controlled now as I have a more normal schedule, but I do think there could be some improvement here. But as I said, I don’t feel ready to just give up watching entirely.

I can attest, though, that as time goes on I am finding it harder to sit down and watch a movie as almost all the content out there is either something I’ve seen before or just ‘eye candy’ in terms of visual effects but empty as a whole. I poshut don’t have patience for this anymore. And even series, that I used to find more attractive than movies, are slowly getting more tedious for me to go through. I realize that at the end of the day it’s all ‘hevel’ and I just need to fully incorporate that idea into my emotional being. But sometimes I just feel that I ‘need’ that escape or that ‘llight break’.

I don’t have a good strategy for this at all. Going cold turkey would be very hard for me. But maybe that’s something I would have to do.

I did actually stop for quite a few years, but when my anxiety came creeping in and I was having an impossible time with learning and even reading, I started watching again. In a way watching was an escape of the pain. On the other hand my anxiety was an excuse to start watching again.

As of now and as I have mentioned before on the forum I’ve had tons of siyata dishmaya and my anxiety is much much lower. So I might consider some form of cutting back in the near future. I would need to find a good substitute though.

I know that even if I do stop, there will be times where I would still crave watching. Truly, it reminds me of the famous story of Rav Gifter who, after having been established as a godol, made a kiddush  because he didn’t feel an emotional connection anymore to his favorite sports group. Can you imagine? That means that all the years before that, Rav Gifter, as he was toiling and shteiging and establishing himself as a godol beyisrael, was still somehow connected to his childhood sports team. To me this is a lesson that even when we shteig and grow, we still might feel the emotional connection to this movie or to that series. It doesn’t matter. It’s ok and normal. The ikar is that we continue moving forwards, continue aspiring for greatness. And who knows, maybe one day we will get there.

Day 22

I can't believe it! I made it! Three full weeks!
Mamash siyata dishmaya.

Well, week 4 here I come...

Thank you for such a well thought out post. I also meant in my questions if you feel like it's an addiction that is ruining your quality of life or if its just something you overdo. But you pretty much got it covered. 

 If you do think you might go cold turkey, now might be a good time to start. Because you mentioned that you are getting bored and everything seems to be the same. I have the same view sometimes but it changes. There are times you suddenly have more of an appreciation and desire but sometimes it lessens as you wrote. Now that you feel like that, its a good time to try to completely stop. Try to break it into small increments, for example aim for a day or a week or two or a certain amount of clean days a week,  but you don't have to don't overstrain yourself with aiming for complete control in the beginning. Hatzlacha! 

                                   Grant

This is day 23.
Baruch Hashem still clean.
I can always appreciate a day without too many urges. I mean can't we all. 
As a kid I would've never had appreciated something like that. I guess that's part of growing up. 

Baruch Hashem, so far, today has been such a day.

Day 24

“What can get me through this?”

It’s a question I sometimes ask myself when confronted with an urge.

What indeed is something that boosts my confidence, something that tells me that I can do it?

When it comes to this stage, having fought for a few weeks, what assures me is that I know that almost any desire that comes up now is probably not as strong as the desires I’ve had throughout my first week. And knowing that I’ve made it through that period, gives me the confidence that I will be able to go through this one as well.

Cause you see, one of the strongest confidence boosters is past experience. Knowing that I have done something in the past, means that I probably have the ability to do the same in the present.

It doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t remain cautious. Rather it means that I can continue to battle with calm confidence, knowing that I have the strength to overcome it one more time.

anonymousmillenial wrote on 11 Nov 2020 19:44:

And what happens when you are confronted with something that you know is for sure bigger and harder than any urges you had before???

You remember how before starting everything seemed impossible and everything seemed too tremendous to overcome, but in reality it wasn't like that. So too in every single case, even if you tell yourself "this time is too much", remember how many times before now you thought the same thing. Yet you still overcame it.

Nothing is too big for us, we always have a choice.

                                   Grant

Day 25

Some days I don't have much to write.
Why do I even bother posting on such days?
Because I made a commitment on day 1 to try to write every single day. A commitment that'll carry me through the days where I might feel too ashamed to write that I had fallen. 

What I have found, though, is that having the necessity to write every single day pushes me to be creative. It pushes me to search my inner recesses to come up with an angle that I haven't explored just yet. It gets me thinking on how to overcome this challenge on different fronts and multiple layers.

And to top it all off, it keeps me accountable to an amazing support group here at GYE.

Why am I sharing this? 

I'm sharing this because you might be someone who reads the posts, but you yourself don't post. You might be scared to share your comments (believe me, I was). Maybe you're thinking 'nah, it's not really my kinda thing'. I'm telling you, give it a try. Try it for at least two weeks. Every single day. And if you still don't like it and don't think it's for you, well, then we'll talk.

Thanks for sharing. Every day.

Btw, we all really love those short sweet posts:

Hatzlocho 

Grant400 wrote on 11 Nov 2020 20:31:

Soo true. Amazing!
Thank You

We're 26 days in.

Wishing all my fellow GYE'ers a most amazing and clean Shabbos.

AM

Day 27

"Update". click.
"I'm still clean". click.
One day. Another day. Another day.
Slowly the days start piling up.
Almost a month clean. 

The way forward is not to focus on the long road ahead. If I would do that it would be way too daunting. I would give up before I even started.
No, the way ahead is taking it one week at a time, one day at a time and sometimes even one minute at a time.

A gutte voch to all.

AM

Day 28

Still clean.
Had a wet dream last night. Besides for that all is ok.

Gravity.
The natural pull downwards.
Do you feel it?

When we're kids and we don't know how to walk, every step is a battle, a tremendous effort. An effort to defy gravity. 
Now we don't even think about it. The forces of gravity might always be there. But it's us who have moved on. 

We're still kids, but our playground has a different setting. We need to remember never to give up.
The reward:
gravity might always be there, but we will have moved on.

Day 29

anonymousmillenial wrote on 16 Nov 2020 21:45:

Nice post! Love it!