Hi there friends, I hope those in Israel had a meaningful Tish b'Av and those elsewhere are still having a inspiring and meaningful experience. Just wanted to share a powerful experience with y'all. 

My last serious attempt to break free was sadly enough over a year ago. After fessing up to my wife for the first time, I swore I was finished and went about 80 days. Last year Tisha bav I discovered a way around the filter on my phone and experienced my own churban beis hamikdash - dabru al leiv yerushalayim - my heart shattered into millions of pieces. I had left while they were reading Eicha in one shul and went to the bathroom in another shul where I acted out repeatedly. Then I had to return to Eicha - you guys know the deal. The worst. Just the absolute worst in the world.

I was so broken. I felt like this was it. I would be stuck forever. This entire year has been disastrous. The loophole in the filter tormented me, I was caught a few more time by my wife (who with the hadracha of gye has been amazing bh) and experienced terrible shame and brokenness. 

Finally, three weeks ago I felt ready to start again. For the first time in nearly a year. I got involved in the gye forum, reading almost daily which has been incredible. I couldn't go two days - now it has been three weeks and I feel great. One day at a time. I am cautiously optimistic (not enough of a fool to say THIS IS IT after falling thousands of times, but taking it as said one day at a time.) 

Last night I left Eicha around the same time I acted out one year ago and went into the same bathroom stall. I hope this is allowed (wasn't torah study and meloh chol ha'aretz kevodo, right?) but I poured out my heart before Hashem. I expressed my pain over the terrible year I had. I begged for forgiveness for hurting Him. And I thanked Him for these three weeks of freedom from compulsion, the ability to choose which I usually feel is not even an option for me. It was a form of 'teshuvas hamishkal' discussed by the Rambam and it felt absolutely amazing. 

So I just wanted to document this experience, and give chizzuk to all the warriors out there - WE CAN DO THIS! The Third beis hamikdash will be made of our tears, our efforts, our struggle toward a life of kedusha. 

May we soon see the rebuilding of all that is broken in our lives and the return of the Shechinah to am yisrael. 

Thanks for listening! CHAZAK!

Beautiful! Go to that stall. Take a tissue. Place it in your wallet. Take it out and refresh your memory of that holy moment when the going gets rough. 

Incredible story buddy! Keep it up and keep inspiring us.

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This was very powerful to read. Thank you for bumping this.

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