Hello to everyone,

This is my first foray into the world of GYE, and I'm really hoping that it will become a real force in my life, as I've been battling the other forces for too long.

I'm happily married to a beautiful and loving woman, and together we are raising a bunch of wonderful children, yet there is a side of me that no one knows about, a side of me that has been eating away at me for almost as long as I can remember. That side of me is the Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekkyl, the crazed sicko who gets set loose at night and does horrific shameful things. Being a true ohaiv Ha-shem, who really loves the aibishter and his torah and mitzvos this creates an enormous amount of conflict in my life, leading me to feelings of isolation despite being surrounded by people who love me, and despair despite leading a relatively successful life.

To compound those feelings, I am involved in avodas hakodesh, so while people are looking to me for inspiration, I'm sometimes involved in things that if they had the slightest clue of, they would pillory me in the town square. This makes me feel even more like a fake and a fraud despite the fact that all I really want to do in my life is bring people closer to Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I have thought about quitting, recognizing that I'll never really be able to inspire others if there's no gas in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of the fish's response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the water, the place of our life, we need to fear, how much more so on dry land, the place of our death!" So I guess I will try to stay close to the water, (besides all the teaching I do, I personally learn for hours every day, sometimes immediately followed by a most inglorious session of shmutz!), and just keep trying to slog through the muck.

I hope you can give me the chizzuk I need to make it out of my living hell.

Habaletaher

PS I can't even say Day 1! Maybe tomorrow!

Welcome! You'll get an official welcome soon with links to the GYE handbooks that are very worth reading.

You are not alone! I think everyone here shares your feelings of living a double life. We've all been there.

This is the place for you. Welcome home!

By reading the handbooks, posting your thoughts, reading chizuk emails and chizuk posts and by dovening, you'll grow in ways you never imagined.

Dear habaletaher,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! Another great MACCABEE WARRIOR joins the force for good against a world gone mad.

Your story is the same as so many others on this site. It pains me no end to see how our best and brightest get pulled into the mud. Someone just sent me the following yesterday:

I heard a medrash quoted by Rav Kessin. It relays a conversation between Moshiach ben Yosef and Hashem.. Moshiach ben Yosef has become aware of the possibility that many of the Jewish people will not make it through to the times of Moshiach. This upsets him greatly and he declares his readiness to do whatever it takes so that they should survive. Hashem responds and says that in order to save them, he will have to descend to the depths of impurity in order to save every last soul, as many of them will be entrenched in evil. He agrees to this, and as he is sent down into the spiritual abyss, Moshiach ben Yosef screams in horror at the depths of the depravity he encounters, but nevertheless does accomplish his goal.

Who knows if your soul is not a part of Moshiach Ben Yosef that had to enter the depths of depravity, so that WHEN YOU FINALLY BREAK FREE though your own personal journey of Messiras Nefesh, you will be able - through the wisdom you gained - to pull hundreds of OTHER yidden out as well, along with you??

So let's begin this journey to the light, for the honor of Hashem, on Chanukah - the time when the Melech decends limata me'asara, and one can do Teshuvah from even the lowest sins (see the Divrei Chaim)!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

A Prestigious Mechanech wrote us once for help:

Dear GUE,

Sorry For anonymity but it would be a Chillul Hashem to show my real face. I am a prestigious mechanech and respected marriage counselor. I helped a lot of Bachurim and couples in their own sexual problems. But as chazal say "ain chovish matir atzmoh", I can't be in command of myself at all, I need access to the net for my profession, and being a computer guru and I have outsmarted the filters & locks.

If you would know who the writer is you would weep for weeks. I can't tolerate it any longer. It seems to me that he only way is by including outside help. However SLAA meetings are out of question due to my caliber, and letting my wife in does also not come in consideration (she knew I had net problem but does not know the extent). Do you think I can be helped without blowing my secret?

We answered him and got him involved in the network.

About 4 months later he writes:

R' Guard, you can not visualize the effect GYE had on my life.
Since I joined the forum my life has simply CHANGED for the better
Like a turtle slowly (actually rapidly) emerging from his shell.
Starting to live a lively life, a life of control and reason.
To understand myself, and the others around me.
I opened my eyes, grasped my deterring situation, and made a swift U-turn.
WOW!! One hundred twenty five days.
125 days ago I joined the forum
125 days ago I was reborn
Right, I consider myself an infant of 4 months old.
I watch my soul growing daily, as a kid would regularly appraise his height.
My Davening has not been with such devotion for a very long time.
The learning has become superior, since the tranquility of my conscious.
I observe my social life advancing, like a professional PR entering a club.
My kith and kin have never been closer to me, then the last few months.
My friends encircle me, as bees would surround their comb
And the list goes on and on………

Welcome Brother welcome. Youve come to the right place. So many of us are in the same situation as you, nebach. And we are all here cuz we wanna get out of it. And were here to help eachother knowing that this is one of the ways to in actallity help ourselves. So jump on board and join the crew that screams.MI L'HASHEM AYLEI!! We are goverend by our Guard. There are so many great people on this forum just give it time and youll see. This forums full of love for a fellow jew and some extra for our struggling jews that are reaching out for help. So post away. Let yourself be heard. We can all gain from eachother.

GUARD: wow those 2 posts are just mindboggling. So far ive written my first one. I wish there will come a day where i can write the 2nd one too. :'( :'(

imtrying25 wrote on 16 Dec 2009 12:14:


You WILL get there!

GO IT25 GO!
IT25 is da man!

Thanks for the vote of confidence MOMO. It never hurts to hear a good word from someone who really cares.

I do, I really do.

haba letaher

welcome aboard

we are th 'miayin oso' you are looking for

resolve to change

change is very difficult

especially when you YH/addiction has you convinced that ...

A.you are not addicted and this is just a shvachkite and you can turn on a dime
B.That what ever you will do wont help you need this for peace of mind an normalicy

do you see how dis-honest and tricky the YH is

yes he has it both ways

and he has you/us in a vise grip

first work of order

Azivas HaChet

try try try to break free for a day  a week a month

we are here for you

post away

read everything here

read my thrread bardichevs battle and everything DOV ever wrote

b

guardureyes wrote on 16 Dec 2009 11:11:


Dear Reb Guard,

Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement! I would be honored to even be in the army of Mashiach Ben Yosef, and as a matter of fact that is what everyone on these forums is. We are all struggling with the midda of Yesod, which is Yosef, and we are fighting in the elef hashishi the 6th millenium which is the millenium of Yosed, and clearly we live in a generation where the biggest challenges are in the area of Yesod/Yosef, yet here on this site, so many people are fighting for Kedush, fighting the battle of Mashiach ben Yosef! Thank you for welcoming me into your fold, and for creating such a place!

Haba (short for Haba Letaher)

Wow! Unbelievable! You must be my twin brother.  Your story is so strikingly similar to mine, from being a mechanech to your jekyl/hyde comparison, I was getting goose bumps reading it.  Eight and a half years ago I saw a therapist about my issues but unfortunately, the problem came back soon thereafter.  Six years later, two and a half years ago, I wrote to my therapist for help. Below is a quote from that letter, and you will see the similarities. B"H, there is a happy ending.  Feb 5, 2009, was the first day of my sobriety, and I now stand over ten months sober.  There is hope and here it is.  

This is my letter: I took out some portions.

Externally, I am living a very nice life.  We now live in Israel with a bunch of children.  I learn gemara in a big and popular Yeshiva ... spent as a torah educator at the one of the popular torah institutions...I am very happy with what I do and feel very satisfied.  Torah learning is the focus of my life.  My spare moments are spent with the Gemara.  I am diligent about it and I truly love it.  Not to brag, but I consider myself one of the more advanced in my chabura.  People consider me a talmid chacham.  For some people I live that perfect balance ...  I tell you this to paint this very awkward picture for you.

Internally, I am a broken man. I am under constant Depression.  I am really a failure to society.  I fool the world.   I represent spirituality to many people.  But inside I am of the most corrupt of beings that walk this earth.   I am shining on the outside and dirty on the inside.  I am confused about my own self.  I sometimes wonder if I have demons inside of me.  I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  I am two people in one.  I can walk from complex torah discussion in the laws of korbonos to my computer screen indulging myself of the worst pleasures known to mankind.  I am sincere in my leaning, but I have some other part of me.  I am not faking it.  I could be in engaging in bad behavior and receive a call from a friend about a complex sugya. ...

I am a hidden man to my family.  I am living a lie to my wife.  I feel horrible with myself.  I fill my wonderful head with junk.  I am crying inside.  I have contaminated the vessels that hold my spirituality.   Every year I hope for a yom kippur, where I will do a true vidui to Hashem for my PAST aveiros.  But comes Yom Kippur, I am still holding on to them.  I tell Hashem on Yom Kippur that I am finished.  But a few days later, I usually get back into it...

You can read my thread over here.  I tell you this to give you hope.  there is so much on this site.  Stick with us and you will soon be amazed.  I don;t check the site consistently, so feel free to email me ykv.schwartz@gmail.com if you wish.

Good Luck.

imtrying25 wrote on 16 Dec 2009 12:14:


Thanks so much imtrying! I too hope and pray that there will be a 2nd one for me too! It's hard to imagine how free I would feel writing a second one like that, and even harder to imagine a life in which this becomes much less of a struggle. I've seen many recovered AA people, and their lives seem so in order, so well prioritized and they have a reas sense of discipline, it's like what this mechanech is describing! May we all use the light of Chanukah to see the path we must take in the darkness! Chanukah doesn't symbolize the end of the winter, the end of the darkness, there is still plenty more of that, but Chanukah lights up the path you have to take to get there. Hopefully GUE will be able to be our light and help us see the path we must take to slog through the muck!!

Thanks!
Haba

Dear Haba,

I too can relate to your situation well.  Very well.  Did you ever give a Shiur on the concept of Nisayon, just hours after you failed one yourself (for the second day in a row)?  How is one to maintain his emotional equilibrium by living that kind of contradiction?

But, there's hope - major hope!  Download the two GYE handbooks, read them from cover to cover (to get an overview), and then read and internalize at least one section per day (in each handbook).  Working the handbooks wiill help you determine what additional steps may be needed to go into recovery.

The handbooks will encourage you to aim for 90 days clean (one day at a time, of course).  If that seems like a lot, remember that everything is relative.  Ask yourself: Do I want the hardest part to take only 90 days, or do I want to be struggling in a major way for the rest of my life?  In other words, do I want it to take 90 days or 90 years?  

See rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1297.0

Let me add that, by working on yourself, you will be able to help others in this area, much more than someone who never faced this Nisayon.  And, helping others is a form of Teshuva Mei'ahava, which will turn all these aveiros into zechuyos.  See rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=908.0.

Welcome to the forum habaletaher.  You're in good company here.

Good luck.

  --Eye.