Your stress is coming from the date or the falls, or the influence of one on the other?

OivedElokim wrote on 15 Oct 2020 04:22:

Previous falls. Dating gets me thinking because I desperately want to have it under control when I go into marriage. 

Do you feel like you have it under control? Have you been clean for a reasonable amount of time? Do you have a plan for the future?

BHYY wrote on 15 Oct 2020 04:47:

Hey, I think you need to look into "one day at a time". The big picture seems scary and that's stressful. That's why you don't need to think about it.

Now let's just clarify, you do need to think about the future to give yourself a reason to work hard today BUT you don't need to be clean your entire life in order to be clean today. Make today your goal, I'm not sure about next week, but I do know for sure that it wont help to make last week a goal...

Dating is stressful, I know, I did it too, but stressing about keeping clean is really just not the mehalech. 

Hatzlachah

wilnevergiveup wrote on 15 Oct 2020 05:25:

Thanks. I needed that 

Soooo?? How u been?
Ur keepin us hangin man

^^??

BHYY wrote on 15 May 2020 20:35:

Wow. Very very impressive.
Thanks for sharing!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 17 Dec 2020 12:21:

The shidduch? No shaychus, moved on. B”H other options, one step closer. When Hashem wants me to meet my bashert I will and not a minute late. I keep doing my hishtadlus (although I am getting a little sick of Coke...may need to change it up

That’s not to say I’m not anxious as anything to find her and start my married life...believe me I am. Been dating for a while, have had my share of one and dones, 2 dates and over, and gotten my heart broken a few times. It’s not fun at all. But as HHM told me, better now than later. 

There’s a story that’s been going around about a successful businessman that had to commute to NYC every day. He wasn’t happy with the billboards and pritzus he was seeing so he made himself a deal. Every time he looked away he would put aside a dollar. His method worked well and B”H he was able to  drastically reduce what he saw on his commute. Eventually he had amassed enough dollars that he bought a beautiful silver menora. Can you imagine what he feels when he lights this menora on Chanukah or even just sees it in his break front? It reminds him of all the zechusim that got him this beautiful menora.
I heard the story and thought, why can’t I do this too? I’m not a wealthy businessman but I could afford to put a few dollars aside. I started and I have to say, this is an amazing method. After just a short while I realized that I was subconsciously training a reflex to look away from such things because “that’s another dollar”. It’s a game-like way of keeping yourself safe. One of the best feelings I ever had with this method was after a fall. Yes, a fall. After a fall you don’t feel too great. I went to my envelope and looked inside and saw the wad of dollar bills. Every single bill represents a time I was kovesh my yetzer hora. That wad of bills told me, you’re a good guy, you just had a hiccup today but get right back in the saddle. Streaks are great but, at least for me, they get discouraging when you break one. With this method you could forget about it for a week, month, or year but those dollars will be waiting for you to pick it right back up. 
Right now I keep a stack of bills in one drawer and an envelope in another place. Every time I look away from something or every half hour that I refrain from masturbating when I have an urge I put a dollar in the envelope. When I reach $100 in the envelope I put them back in the stack and make a $100 deposit to a special savings account I opened just for this. What I am going to use the money for? Not sure yet. Maybe an engagement ring bez”H, now wouldn’t that be something?

Unfortunately I had a fall tonight. I came home from Yeshiva for Shabbos and my mother’s computer is unlocked and unfiltered. I can’t get her to filter it or change the password because whenever someone needs to use it she just calls out the password. That is about the gist of my access. My father’s has a password. Sometimes my mother leaves her phone around or tablet. Mainly it’s her computer. I try to stay good and stay far away but lately I’ve been slipping up more and more often and falling because of that access. I hate that my home is a place that gives me stress now, I need to think about it when I’m in Yeshiva and “plan” for when I go home. It’s not a comfortable place that I can just pop into because when I do, I fall. 
Any ideas how I can stay safe?

sleepy wrote on 08 Jan 2021 07:59:

This is the incredible gadlus that GYE has done for all of us!

When I suffered severely as a bochur, emotionally and mentally, the yi'ush was beyond description - basically nervous breakdown material. I was the world's biggest rasha. Alone! There was no one to talk to about this stuff. Absolutely no one. Gehenom. And of course I thought i'll never be clean, because how should I know otherwise if there was no one to share with? So, BHYY, yes it is tough. Having all those open devices is a nisayon most fall with rach"l, but at least as R' Sleepy shared, you have the chevra, you see that yes, although so many guys fall into this mess to some degree or another, guys do get out! And you have people to turn to, to share the heartache frustration and pain, and receive chizuk from. You will iyh be clean. Meanwhile, your resilience and efforts definitely give Hashem great nachas. Iyh you will have a very fortunate wife - she will be zoche to a husband who has his head screwed on straight.

BHYY wrote on 08 Jan 2021 07:33:

This is a question for our beloved birthday boy, Harav Hagaon R' YeshivaGuy. He has this issue all the time, and has remained victorious of late.

Heeeelllllooooooo?!?!?!? YeshivaGuy?!?!? We need your assistance! 

BHYY wrote on 08 Jan 2021 07:33:

Same situation when I’m home too.
It’s rough, that’s all I can say. Here’s what I do, I pasken in my mind that the computer doesn’t exist/it’sהקדש or whatever u wanna say.
And when I walk past it I don’t even look at it, it’s not shayach to me.
Also, using the forum during such a time helps immensely, as well as being in contact with a GYE friend on the phone.

Also a big Yesod is believing shtark that this is not inevitable.
I would always feel that since I’m forced to be in such a matzav that I therefore have no Bechira and will fall.
What Ive learnt here thus far, BH, which has caused me much Hatzlocha, is believing that I am the author of my own destiny. That I control my Self and nothing is inevitable.
This has worked for me bh, it’s hard and painful, but once you get there it’s liberating...

Now, if there comes a time that u need to use the computer for something kosher, that’s where this mindset (that it doesn’t exist) becomes harder.............
We’ll need eitza from the chevra here on what to do at such a time...

But anyway, Keep shteiging and thriving, and Keep in Touch!


YeshivaGuy