Phew, a lot of stuff to digest and a lot for one day.

I relate to acting out because of the anger my father instils within me. Once after yom kippur I saw that my university fees hadn't been paid and I wasn't getting my results and I was so seething with rage I acted out. It's a lot of stuff there, and money is the hardest for me as well.

I'm not a fan of blaming unfiltered devices. It exempts me sort of in a way. Like I always say, hell is gonna be an awesome place, coz all our devices are gonna go there!!!

And I recall what it says in the big book (loosely adapted): "And we think we can escape our drinking by living a life of solitude somewhere far away in Alaska, but even then, an Eskimo would come plodding along with a bottle of Ale and ruin the whole thing!!!!"

That's really a lot of well articulated sectences put together that almost put us write where you were. Amazing writing. Usually acting out, as I have learned for myself, is expressed when we're either experiencing, post experiencing, or repressing deep emotions. As I type this now I am a bit upset because of a fight I got into with my grandfather about time (he's a yekee) and a little bikkuring with my sister about my guitar being too loud. What I try to do is feel the emotions, which usually results in laughing, or a little bit of crying maybe... It's different for everyone. 

I I think it's beautiful that your able to process what happened, that's always the first step. If you do this enigma, when you do this enough, you'll start being able to do it in the moment and gauge what really is the best decision for me right now. Is watching people have sex online going to solve my money problems, or just make me feel worse. It's this clarity and ability to actually make a desk ion that is ,aye one of the best assets to have in this fight. Until then, in my opinion, you doing really have bechira and you set yourself up for inevitab,e failure (and it's your fault because your not trying to work on it). 

BHYY, TPthe more and deeper you send out your messages to us, the better it will be... Keep on writing... S d know we are always here for you. 

BHYY,
Well presented post.
I identify alot with the feelings even though the specifics are different.
I call that emotion, Resentment. It is anger without proper justification, and without rage. Just a silent brewing anger against someone for something which that person didn't fully do, but in out mind we blow it out of proportion.

It is one of my worst triggers to acting out.

One thing that has helped me is developing a mindset that I am not deserving of anything and appreciating everything as a gift.

Hatzlocha on overcoming this issue.

yosef10 wrote on 04 Jun 2020 23:33:

I don't understand, can you clarify?

I can honestly say I've been waiting 25 hours, all Shabbos, to get these feelings out.

I'm the youngest in my family and all my siblings are happily married. I've been in the Parsha for over a year now but have not yet found my Bashert. I do not enjoy being an only child.

For the past couple of months my brother and his family have been staying with us since Covid hit. I am very close to my brother and it was a Beracha from Hashem to have them with us during this trying time. Now, as things slowly start to return to a semblance of normal my brother and his family are moving out. This was the first Shabbos that it was just me and my parents. It hit me during Kabolas Shabbos. I got so emotional I almost started crying (really, it was hard, I had a huge lump in my throat). I live in an out of town community where there is really no one my age and even if there was, definitely not my Hashkofa. But now that my brother has moved out the intense feelings of loneliness have moved back in. The desperate wanting to finally find my Bashert and settle down.

I don't know what to do. I can't go back to Yeshiva, to my dorm and my friends. I'm stuck home, just me and my parents, lonely. It is during these times especially that I fall victim to watching porn and acting out. I'm lonely, what better way to escape reality for a few hours?

I'm clean now and that is what is important. But I really need to find a way to cope with this loneliness...

I can relate to being the youngest(although still have one unmarried sibling) and being home with just the parents can be rough(generation gap, hard to relate to, esp if you have diff hashkofos). Dont know what to say except that I may be open to calling over the phone. So maybe that can help with the loneliness and stam be mischaek both of us(only if your interested). 

It is really tough and difficult. I know the single and lonely feelings and they are NOT fun! Also, at this stage in life it isn't so easy to make friends which only adds to it. I have been dating for several years and it is probably one of the hardest times in my life. 

Hashem puts us exactly where we need to be at any given time. I don't have the answer and no doubt the situation is a struggle. However, don't forget that it isn't an accident. Maybe this struggle will ultimately lead you to you complete and total success or happiness in light. The tunnel may be dark, but remember it is a tunnel... 

I love your attitude, from what you write, especially in this Covid era, your situation is not an easy one. I can only say Hashem rewards us according to the difficulties, "lefum tzaara igra". And please don't give up, you are an inspiration to us!
We all have bad days, don't feel bad about it.
I have this impression we frum people suffer from confusion when confronted with negative emotions. I think some bad teachers taught us that being angry, sad etc is bad and we must supress this emotions. It's a sin to be angry! - so they say. Being angry and sad is of course bad, but supressing emotions is something worse and I think and this is very contrary to general hashkafa. If you're angry with someone, it's a real emotion that you can't pretend it's not there and supressing it is bad for you and you may even be oiver "lo tisne achicha". What I think is very kosher is letting the anger out in a very constructive way, like in your case have a very polite and respectful conversion with your father and explain your frustrations with him and or your worries, like the ring and all. I find, at least to myself, even if the outcome is not the one I expected, it feels so much better to "let the weight out". Done in a very respectful fashion should not lead to conflict, on the contrary, it generally leads to good results. This is especially truer for us addicts, we tend to take a bad day or a build up of negative emotions and solve it "our way" and end up not only not solving it but making it worse. When we take the "acting out" away from the equation we have no option but to solve our conflicts, which require a good deal of courage, but turns out to be the best decision for our well being.
The problem I see is people who just vent out their anger at the "target" person, but in a destructive pattern which does make things worse. Or they don't talk to them at all, and the feeling lingers on and eats you from the inside. The middle path, like the Rambam says is the golden standard. I think even from a kibbud av vaem perspective is better to be open with your parents, and in a most respectful way, since they are your parents.

Snowflake, you write very well and hit the nail on the head. The typical frum fellow thinks he has to deny himself the experiencing of his emotions and feelings. The result? The inability to regulate those emotions. 



Yes, there is a fine balance in being mekayem kibud av v'eim, and allowing one's self to recognize one's anger or bitterness coming from an altercation with a parent. A bochur or married fellow that has a rebbi, and is willing to admit to his rebbi that he is human and has feelings, fortunately has who to discuss this with. Without guidance, one is lost and often confused.



Thanks for bringing this out into the open. I am sure amny reading this forum will benefit from your wise words.

Snowflake wrote on 16 Jun 2020 13:53:

Agreed and very smart

Motzei Yom Tov is always hard...I'm single and the only one at home and now went from a home full of siblings, noise, and comradery to just me and my parents. The loneliness just shot up.
I'm just sort of depressed, when I get lonely during these times all the feelings come to the surface, my time in the parsha, desperately wanting to find my bashert and settle down, and most of all to be matzliach in staying away from watching and acting out. Bein Hazmanim had a rough start for me in this inyan and the first two days of chol hamoed but Chasdei Hashem He gave me an extra boost and I've been clean for a few days now.
I figured getting the feelings out couldn't hurt.
Awaiting the warmth and love of my special family here

Nice to hear from you again!

Why is everyone waiting until after Yom Tov to start posting?
We missed you, you should have posted earlier.

BH"Z is for sure one of the hardest times, for me because of the lack of structure and just being bored. Stress and loneliness just make it worse.

It helps to work on developing relationships during this rough tekufah (of shiduchim) everyone is different, some people get a lot out of working on becoming closer to their parents and some don't, whatever works for you.

The most important thing is to keep busy and productive and try to give to others. Rav Dessler explains that whenever you give to someone you are giving them a part of you ant therefore can become closer to them. If you want to work on developing relationships, work on really giving selflessly and you will be drawn to them, they become like family, a part of your life.

I was surprised to find that giving and doing for others selflessly really takes away that lonely feeling that I often feel.

The way I understand it is that there are two reasons a person feels alone, one is when he is going through a tough time and he has no one to turn to, this is not what I am talking about. 
What I am referring to is, as I found in my case, that when I would feel alone it was because deep down I would feel like I was just not contributing to the "cause". This feeling makes you feel gross, like you are a selfish loser who just takes to satisfy his own needs. It's hard to feel part of something you didn't contribute to, therefore it's hard not to feel lonely if you don't have anything to be a part of.
For this type of feeling alone, it really helps to learn to contribute, especially when it's difficult, this makes you feel a part or whatever it is you are giving to.

I am not suggesting that you don't give, I don't know you at all, rather I am showing how giving in a selfless way can really make you feel a part of something. Whatever it may be, a friendship, a Yeshiva or Shul, an organization, etc. you can give more and more and the more you give, the more you are a part of, the less you will be alone.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Thanks
I ended up falling twice today. The weather was lousy and due to an appointment I had I couldn't really plan anything so I spent the day sitting around the house which led to the falls. Have to get back to Yeshiva and schedules...

BHYY wrote on 12 Oct 2020 22:07:

I can totally relate to that! It is amazing what structure does to help with falls.

I have a date coming up and I’m stressing out about my previous falls. I always try to “tighten security” and avoid areas that can give access but the bottom line is HKBH bentched me with a head that understands computers...if the urge is strong enough I’ll find a way around the filter, any filter. The fact that I’m home with tons of unfiltered access is no help either. I think I need to focus on myself, on getting me to stop even if there is a loophole somewhere that I haven’t thought of yet.