BHYY, I see you all over the place, haven't seen a forum that you didn't touch... Your posts are amazing and you will have your handprints on so many others recovery paths. Make sure to keep that in mind. 

Keep helping the klal, we need you 

I'm curious if anyone else has this problem.
I love walking outside. The weather is great, the fresh air clears my mind, I put on some good music and I get completely lost in myself while I take a nice long walk. The problem is sometimes when I come back from my walk I am so invigorated that I actually get an erection and an urge to masturbate. This happened to me today and I gave in to it. I came back from a gorgeous walk, got an urge and went and read some erotica and then masturbated.
A few things:
1) The source of the erotica was an app on my phone that I primarily used for listening to audiobooks during my commute (I used to commute a tremendous amount in the pre-Covid era) so since there is no commute now I just deleted the app. Since my filter administrator needs to approve new app installs I can't just decide to install it on a whim. So that app is history, for now.
2) Notice I didn't write that I had a fall. I know there are differing opinions here but my therapist, Rebbe, and a chashuve GYE member all told me that it is much better to masturbate than to watch porn. Let me clear, I am trying to be clean of both but in this case there were no damaging fictitious scenes seared into my memory. Good.
3) I reset my counter. Okay. Life is not about streaks. Yes, getting to 90 days officially rewires my brain somewhat and apparently makes it easier to fight (I'll let you all know when I get there).
Personally, I think the hardest part is where I am right now. I reset my counter and I'm admitting all this to you. The urge to masturbate again is super strong.
Here is where I get to redeem my fighting spirit. I will not give in. One of the first things I'm going to do tomorrow morning is post an update here. I look forward to sharing with you all that I fought off the urge to throw in the towel.
For my benefit, if anyone has any thoughts on what I mentioned above regarding getting urges after exercising please let me know either here or send me an email bhyy@protonmail.com.

CLEAN!

BHYY wrote on 21 May 2020 14:56:

Lets go!

Just went thru most of your thread, gotta hand it to you, as one whos in the trenches I can relate to alot your battles and they are NOT easy. Well done and keep fighting. 

BHYY wrote on 20 May 2020 23:11:

Could it be that when you go for the walk for some fresh air you see some triggering sights(although you don't look for long at ea one, just a quick glance at a bunch of sights can be triggering)?
Only mentioning it bec speaking from personal exp

BHYY wrote on 20 May 2020 23:11:

The goal of being mindful brings us back to the present. For people like us, who are consously and subconsciously fighting these thoughts and urges, which inevitably pushes them off to be stronger.  When you take a moment to get back to the present, all of those pent up feelings come to the surface, it's not because your present, rather it's because your more in tune with what your body is going through. It could come out on a walk while being mindful, or yelling at your wife or getting into a fight with your boss... The stress is going to come out some how, so I'll let you decide which one is better. The more you practice being with yourself, even in the moments of struggle, the less struggle you have have inside. 
Ive been experiencing this in two ways lately. 1 by posting on GYE, I can truthfully address the way I'm feeling, feel it, about at the same time feel safe that I won't act out... And in the end, the feeling passes. 2 by surrendering. By admitting to Hashem that these feelings and thoughts are
 HIS creation, and for me to fight them would not work, I tried that before and failed time after time. I admit that only Hashem can get us from one mode of thinking to the next... And we can't do it on our own. It doesn't have to be intense, it can just be reminding yourself of the truth, and by doing that bringing peace in the internal and external plains. 
Keep up on the forum, you give so much to the others, maybe it's time you give to youself. When's the last time you had cheesecake (if that speaks to you) maybe buy youself something special for Shevuous bzchus all the effort you've given to fight. 

Wish I had better news to report but I fell today, many times. It was, by all accounts, a really bad day for me clean-wise.
I have all the tools at my fingertips, I have the drive, the fire buring to stay clean. I know I can do it, and I will do it. I just have one big problem. My house has unfiltered internet. All of my devices are TAG filtered on the highest levels and B"H keep me safe. But there are many other devices that do not belong to me and trying to get my parents to filter them will not work...I've tried.
I can fight, I can get through this. But when an urge arises, as it did this morning, and I tried not thinking about it, doing other things, setting a timer for 20 minutes, it just doesn't work when there is an unfiltered tablet sitting in the living room... Just a few steps and I can escape reality for hours.
Of course afterwards I feel terrible. And yes, I did practice being mindful of how I would feel after I watched porn and masturbated but the urge was too strong. I can't fight it or avoid it when there is such easy access.
I'm not such a fan of knasos, I've done them on and off for a few years and as a whole they did prevent me more often than not from falling but there wasn't any rewiring of myself, there was no getting myself to break free. It was just, don't use unfiltered internet or you'll have to pay a knas. And even with that sometimes the urge was too strong. Especially at the beginning of the covid pandemic when I was stuck at home all day (still am for the most part). All I felt it accomplished was I lost a tremendous amount of money. And with a knas, it makes it much harder to get up and keep going after a fall because in additon to the negative feelings from falling I also was out of a lot of money. At this point, with the situation I am in with ample ability to fall with unfiltered devices in my house, I don't see another option though.
The Eitzah that I need probably won't be discovered here in my thread but I am posting this for others who may find themselves in similar situations to me. I am going to discuss this with experienced GYE friends and a close Rebbe who I confided in years ago, and with Hashem's help I will find the right Derech to protect myself and keep moving forward.
In better news, when I reset my counter I noticed my cumulative clean days. Since starting here on GYE I have been clean for a total of 21 days. Not consecutive but still 21 clean days!! In the past I couldn't even get 1 day! Baruch Hashem always progress.

BHYY wrote on 01 Jun 2020 03:20:

Oh, I feel your pain. It's SO HARD with all the unfiltered devices around the house. When corona hit, I was on a bad streak. And similar to you, my personal devices aren't the problem. Idk how, but bh I was able to stand strong and get out of it and I'm now almost 2 weeks clean, even with all those devices around. It's rough and sooo annoying that parents/siblings don't understand and don't filter. But keep fighting and stay strong... Idk if its bad idea but the way I look at it(if your single) is that eventually your gonna go on and build your own house with your wife, and you have control over that house. You can make sure that house is filtered, so there is somewhat of a light at the end of the tunnel.
And well done that you can see how far you've come in the struggle. Its not an all or nothing battle. Every second of resistance is BANK in the next world.

BHYY wrote on 01 Jun 2020 03:20:

I can't believe how much of myself I have heard in what you were saying. The pain, the struggle, your working so hard,... But it's so difficult. In terms of reaching out, a smart man once told me... "So,etimes the only bechira we have is to ask for help", by you asking others for perspective, for posting on this forum... Your doing just that. I hear and feel the sincerity in your writing, I almost started to tear per up when you spoke about how the tablet is right there, waiting for you to grab it. We all know the feeling on our own personal level. 
In terms of the knasos, what works for you... Works for you. If you, with at least help of 1 other perspective of another person... Decide that what works for you isn't the thing that works for other... Nu nu, why put yourself through unnecasry pain... Just make sure the reall reason why you stop/start whatever you were doing/not doing is for long lasting recovery and not because it's difficult. 

To to look at your success is AMAZING, your doing so much right, and every battle you win is not only for the next world. Every internal shift, or even external change we do from moment to moment differently than before... Changes us more than we know. Pushing off for a bit, going to tag, setting a 20 minutes timer, these are all things that WILL get you to lasting freedom, something that by the time you get there, it will be so well earned... No one and nothing can take it away from you... That's real recovery... And your on that path. 

I got a little sidetracked, but I made it here eventually, like I said I would.
Don't think too much, just move forward.

Such an honor 
Thanks for stopping in.

I have to get this off my chest…

I’ll start by saying I didn’t get much sleep last night and was pretty tired today.

I was driving on the highway this morning (coincidently on my way to my therapist) and I broke down. I called a tow truck and my father to pick me up, a friendly cop stopped to make sure everything was okay and stayed behind me with his lights on until the tow truck came so I wouldn’t get rear-ended on the highway. I made sure my car got dropped off at the mechanic and then headed home Davening for good news. A little later the mechanic called to tell me he checked the entire car and finally discovered that there was no gas in the tank (I guess my gauge is faulty). My father dropped me off at the mechanic and I went in to pick up my car…and get a nice bill for his labor. I reluctantly handed over my credit card and drove home. Once I got into the house it hit me. Seething anger. I’m single, no regular income, in Yeshiva and college - why was I responsible to pay for the repair? I don’t want to come across as entitled or spoiled or anything like that but because of my Yeshiva and college situation I do a tremendous amount of driving (at least before Covid…). My father never let me fill up the gas tank, only putting in a little cash every couple of days so he wouldn’t be hit with massive credit card bills. I was seeing red. This was all his fault! Had he let me fill up my car like everyone and not put it half a tank here and there this never would have happened! (As I write this now it sounds so silly but still I want to get it out.) I was mad! Thank G-d I didn’t open my mouth, I kept it all bottled up inside, if I would have opened my mouth I would have exploded and said many things that I would now sorely regret. Here’s the thing, when he got back my father told me they would cover the repair. But it didn’t defuse me, I was still seeing red.

And then I fell. Badly, A few times. I was so pent up with anger. Everything came to the surface. I guess I should backtrack and discuss the elephant in the room.

Back to the therapist that I was on my way to this morning. Earlier this year at the recommendation of a close GYE friend and one of my Rebbeim I started seeing a phenomenal therapist. At the time I kept it from my parents because I was uncomfortable telling them. Eventually the bill got high and I sat down to tell my father. I explained my issues with anxiety (I left out the porn and masturbating) and an interesting thing happened. He understood. He commended me for taking action and said they would help with the cost. And they did, a few hundred dollars (mental health professionals are very expensive because insurance doesn’t cover it). But then he stopped. I would ask him for a check and he would say not this week. Again my therapist, as gently as possible, said he couldn’t let this go on any longer (he had let me carry a very large tab which he normally does not do). I honestly felt bad taking advantage of him so I pulled out my credit card on the spot and gave it to him expecting my parents to understand. They didn’t. My father said he was charging too much and I should negotiate. I told him I couldn’t as I had already paid him. My father said I should tell him to reverse the credit card charge. I told him I would never do that (this was already weeks after I had paid him). So I was out thousands of dollars. Where did that money come from to pay my credit card bill? My savings. My savings that I have been saving since I was a child with one goal: to buy a diamond engagement ring and start my married life. Now a huge chunk was gone. I felt betrayed. I felt like I was thrown under the bus by my father. What bothered me the most was I don’t know my parents’ financial state but I know enough to know that we live comfortably. Not fancy car mansion comfortable but we aren’t lacking B”H. I would see them spending money on extras and I would think “You could have paid my therapist! Doesn’t my mental health mean more to you than a vacation?!” I tried to make peace with it but as much as I tried to bury it every once in a while it would rear it’s ugly head and I felt as if a chasm opened between me and my father. I felt betrayed.

And then today happened and all the feelings came rushing back to the surface. Money. I thought money problems were something you only had to worry about once you were married and had your own family. Can’t I stay blissfully ignorant in my single years?

And then, what just happened. I asked my father what I should do now that I can’t trust my gas gauge. He answered simply “I’ll give you money to fill up and make sure you always have at least half a tank.” And now I’m wondering, why was I so angry? What happened today? I got so mad that I was suddenly being made financially responsible for things when I didn’t have money. But then my parents paid for the repair and my father basically rescinded on his old putting only a few dollars of gas in at a time.

As I’m writing this I’m reading it over and I feel foolish. Like a kafuy tov. I sound spoiled. But I guess my feelings are my other siblings never had to lay out there own money why all of a sudden me? And then there is the therapist saga. It still hurts. I don’t know what to do. In the back of my head I still think if I needed that money (when the time comes to buy a ring, bez”H it should come soon) if I told my father I really needed it I like to think he would finally recompense me but I don’t know. It still hurts. And I don’t know how to let it go.

Sorry I was all over the place but I’ve had strong emotions churning in me all day and I just needed to get them out.

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!! But after we vomit, we feel better.... Such a cacophony of emotions so well presented. Me thinks you are going to be a social worker one day.....