Day 20: Nice shabbos thank G-d. Did a lot of reading. I find it's easier to read on shabbos without the distraction of tech. 

Anyways, shavua tov, gut voch, and a good chodesh to everyone!

Day 21: Ok day today BH. Hung out with some friends. One virtually and one in person. Quite tired now. Didn't accomplish loads or anything but that's aight. I guess that's all for now, at least for me. Well, have a great night y'all!

3 weeks is huge dont forget to pat urself on the back

Day 22: Not feeling too amazing. There are articles that I want to read, because I want to get information about a certain subject, but my mind isn't relaxed enough to read. 

Tough day at work. It's stressful, working remotely every day. Barely seeing anyone, not leaving the house. The weather has been miserable as well. 

After work, did some exercise. Then I watched a show. Then I read headlines/news and made myself anxious about the current state of affairs for quite a bit after that. 

I hate that I have no energy for things like learning, playing music, and other interests and hobbies. It's just that after simply doing everything I need to do, I'm so done. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Just surviving, ain't living. 

I really feel like the thing I'm missing in my life is a relationship. I don't think there are very many successful happy men without one. I think there is so much talk today about how you need to be happy yourself and bla bla bla. Marriage ain't gonna save you etc. Noone said anything about saving or sufficient conditions. Necessary is the key word here. Yes, I do propose that an intimate relationship/marriage/whatever the hell you want to call it is necessary to lead a happy and successful life (for most people anyways). 

I guess I'm trying to sort of validate myself that it's OK, that I'm not totally OK alone. Ironically, I think there is pushback against this idea from people who received the Torah which says "lo tov ladam leehyos levado". Anyways, not trying to be preachy or anything. Really writing this nonsense for myself.

Selfish, I know.

Ok, that's all for me for right now. Have a good night y'all!

Keep posting buddy. Your honesty, and your simply being real, is so refreshing. Sharing feelings and imperfections is reminding all of us to drop the perfectionist nonsense and accept ourselves as who we are. Please keep inspiring us.

Day 23: Tough day again. Work is still hard. I want to talk about something that is important to me, perhaps you can relate, perhaps you can't. Either way is OK. 

I think there is a part to refraining from masturbating and porn that people don't talk about. Specifically on the Jewish side of things. I'm talking about how after now masturbating for a while I'm more on edge and how I'm sometimes to restless to sit down and daven properly. Or too restless to learn. Or simply read a book perhaps. Or maybe even to be less aggressive with people.

I guess what I'm saying is that it isn't all benefits to refraining from all sexual activity. This stuff effects our bodies in ways that other things don't replace. Or at least I haven't found a complete replacement activity. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't really believe men are meant to go extremely long periods of time without sex. I think everyone knows this on a common sense level. It's the unspoken assumption.

This isn't to say that one needs to have sex or needs to masturbate. Both of these things can be true at the same time. 1. It's not a natural state for man to be without sex indefinitely. 2. We got free will and we won't die without orgasm or sex. Ok, and I'll add a third item, 3. I think it's best for a Jew not to masturbate or watch porn (not sure if that's included in Sheva Mitzvos lol).

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, and not trying to be controversial or anything. Just felt the need to express this for myself and hopefully this doesn't offend anyone. Not saying I expect it to, but it seems like one can do little these days without pissing someone off. Anyways, I'm not saying that in a negative sense, just talkin pragmatically. Anyways, what am I saying? I got no idea, sorry I'm tired.

Till tommorow then. Have a great night!

I agree to what you're saying somewhat. That there's the feeling of being very jumpy and not relaxed. But what I'm hoping for myself and for you too is that when this struggle is not a day to day battle, and urges come much less frequently, that this feeling will ease up considerably. Meaning this problem is only so strong, exactly because of the hold that masturbation has over us. 
    thanks for your daily post btw it's great! Keep doing it!

ready2stop wrote on 27 May 2020 03:06:

Thanks for your comments mate. I don't think this really goes away to be honest. I've refrained from masturbating for very long periods of time (over a year) and it hasn't gone away. Seems it is indeed biological, but I guess we can always hope lol. 

Ihavestrength wrote on 27 May 2020 03:13:

@ready2stop Just realized this isn't very inspiring lol. The only thing I've found that really can make a dent in that restlessness is vigorous exercise. Guess I was remiss not mentioning that. Anyways, Godspeed!

I do hear where your coming from, when the battle is on my mind all the time maybe it can make me a bit jumpy. But I have found that when I'm clean, for the most part I get better sleeps, which leads to better shachris, which just gives a better feel for the day. Theres also so much to accomplish with the extra time on your hands, I get to be so productive.
I think if its on the forefront of your mind then(which Ive been thru) then itll make you a little jumpy, but overall I get such a breath of fresh air when I'm clean. Feels great

You bring up some really good points. First, know that your feelings of jumpiness and restlessness are normal - I deal with them also. I think there is a duality here (although I'm not really one to speak, one of the more experienced GYE members can hopefully weigh in here.) Porn and especially masturbating do make me more irritable and restless because they consume me (Eiver kattan, we need to starve it...) and my brain is wired waiting for the next "fix" the next flood of dopamine. When we take that away our brain starts fighting back.
But from a larger point of view, you mentioned that even when you've gone long periods of time you still feel this need. Yes, we do have a natural desire for this but it needs to be fulfilled in a healthy, Kosher way as a loving relationship between a husband and a wife; not just using one's wife as a Kosher masturbation tool.
I will mention personally that even when I stay clean I am restless and anxious and I believe a good part of it is because I'm single and a bit lonely. It's no secret that even though one's life gets considerably more busy and hectic once he is married there is a sense of calm (Pas B'salo, having a loving companion, a family, etc.) It becomes more fulfilling.
That's why we're here, rewiring so we can be better husbands and fathers bez"H.
You're doing great! Keep it up.

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 27 May 2020 03:32:

I'm happy that you feel great when you are clean! Even with the extra time, if I'm too restless it's hard to accomplish much  

Day 24: Meditation. Davening. Work. Therapy. Work. Exercise. Davening. Skimming headlines for coronavirus redemption headlines, no headspace to really read anything. Neck hurts from looking at a screen. Got ready for bed. Writing this. Neck still hurts. Rubbing neck. Seems to help some.

Re what I wrote yesterday about feeling restless after going long periods of time without orgasm: I just want to reiterate what I mentioned yesterday. It seems like the most potent thing that targets this restlessness is exercise. The kind where you sweat. Anyways, just figured I wanted to mention that again. Wasn't trying to be a downer talkin bout how tough things can get, but just wanted to validate a certain part of my experience and acknowledge to myself that it lsn't because I'm doing anything wrong. 

Ok, I sense that I'm ramblin now and not making any sense. That's my cue. 

Have a great night people!

BHYY wrote on 27 May 2020 19:42:

Excellent post!

Day 25: Tough day today. Made the mistake of not eating breakfast. That helped me become anxious and stressed at work. Didn't really end up working much today because I was so stressed. This led to basically no hours of work which equals basically no pay. Which in turn, equals something to stress about. But, I guess, as long as I'm surviving, does it really matter that I'm not maximizing my hours and thus my income?

Anyways, it seems this not eating breakfast thing is a hard habit for me to break. I did intermittent fasting for quite a while and I still sorta feel inside that the fasting helps me with health, focus, etc. and even makes this struggle easier, cause when the body is hungry it focuses less on sex I guess. 

The drawbacks of being anxious and stressed make it not worth it though. I guess I'm just scared to completely give it up after doing it for so long. 

I know to most people this stuff is probably random and not helpful. Sorry, I made a commitment to post everyday until 90. So that's what I'll be doing I think. Even when I got nothing really important to say. 

Whatever, crappy day, but that's alright. Just gotta remember to just freaking eat breakfast no matter what.

Not to excited to stay up the whole shavuos night. I'm already sleep deprived as it is. Ironically Judaism's obligations deplete one's willpower and can make it harder not to masturbate lol. Anyways, sort of kidding there, but not entirely. 

House is noisy and busy with family. I guess I should enjoy it while I can. Heading back to my own place soon.

Coronavirus is still annoying. I worry about my finances and basically always being broke, which makes me feel like a loser somewhat. But, hey, that's life ain't it? You can just make mistakes and try to do better tomorrow. Broadly speaking, I'm eating breakfast more often than I used to, so I guess that means I'm improving somewhat.

One step at a time. Progress not perfection. One day at a time. Nice ideas, I gotta tell ya. Excited to finally get out of the folks house since corona began, but also nervous I'm be lonely. Especially with all the social distancing and everything closed etc. Ya ya, just ramblin now. 

I think I'll just try to relax on shavuos and take it easy. Oh crap, forgot that I need to stay up the whole night, not too relaxing actually. Well, I'll try to relax best I can I suppose. 

Ok, now I'm really rambling!!!

Wishing y'all a kabalas hatorah bsimcha u'bipnimius!