Day 6 and 7: BH, very nice shabbos.  Went out of town to relatives.  Hmm... Not much to say really. I take medication for ADHD. It has side effects that I don't really like, but overall it helps me. Anyways... Trying not to think about it too much. Trying not to think too much generally. OK, that's all I got for now. Have a great week y'all!

Keep up your amazing work, tzadik!

Day 8/0: Unfortunately, I chose to fall today. Could have held back, but I just felt so restless and unable to do anything, so I just decided to give in. Weekends are always the hardest for me. Sunday in particular. The unstructured time is no good for me. I know this, but I haven't come up with a great solution. Maybe I need to start planning what I'll do on Sunday in advance. Make a light schedule or something.

I don't really get the self loathing after falling, BH. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel good about myself, but I don't think I'm such a horrible person either. I try not to over-inflate how good or bad I am. I think I'm probably regular. However, I do worry that Hashem will punish me. I also think that it's a little cruel if he does. This issue is so hard for me, and I'm trying... Especially being single at my age (mid-twenties). 

OK, so tomorrow (or really right now) I start again. This time I'll make a plan for next weekend bezh. 

Edit: If anyone has some good tips for staying clean over the weekend, please share, thanks!

I originally wrote this to you as a PM, but decided others will benefit iyh and therefore posted it:

Hashem is not looking to punish you buddy. Many big rabbonim have even stated that guys who got hooked at young ages are b'geder onais and do not even have to focus on teshuva.  All agree that the job now is simply to stop and if there is an element of teshuva, it should only be done once one is out of the hole and in a very healthy matzav. Example - it is strongly advised not to say tefillah zaka on erev Yom Kippur until one is clean for a very long time.

Disclaimer: Chas v'shalom these comments should not be misconstrued to think that it is permitted to act out.

As far as the weekends, try to plan a structured day. Structure can of course include relaxation time. Avoid extended periods of time with literally nothing to do. If it is "up your alley" there are probably organizations/mosdos that could use some volunteer help....

Hashem Help Me wrote on 11 Oct 2021 11:20:

You always write well and help so many; thanks.

Who gives this advise on zakkah? It's been there for decades; why should folks stop saying it? The Great Sages obviously knew that this is something that is done and is worthy to cry about before and during Yom Kippur.

Thank you.

I did not mean that nobody should be saying tefila zakka. A regular guy who stumbles in these areas from time to time should probably say it. Many Roshei Yeshiva and Rabbonim advise those of us in this generation, that are deep in, and have been so for many years, and are already broken over it, should avoid such an intense tefila.

Day 1: Hey all, back on the horse today.  I don't know if I'll post everyday this time around, but I'll definitely check in every once in a while. Thanks for the chizuk and advice y'all! Good night!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 11 Oct 2021 21:26:

In addition to the unhealthy yi'ush this tefilah can generate for guys like us, one who is "stuck in the mud" will invariably start recalling images while saying it. Definitely not appropriate for Erev Yom Kippur. (or any time)

Hey everyone, 

I fell yesterday.  I didn't watch porn but I did masturbate.  I know that it's possible to go for very long periods of time (over a year) without masturbating; I have done that in the past.  However, when I am very stressed, fighting so hard to not masturbate can sometimes feel like "paying too high a price for something so little".  At times I think, hey, let me just take 5 minutes and get this over with so I can get on with my life. 

Another complaint I have is this:  I know that nothing will happen if I don't masturbate, there is no real need.  However, is that really fair to say?  There is a natural drive in a person to engage in sexual behavior, influenced by hormones, etc.  There is no natural drive for drugs, alcohol, or gambling.  This is a little different, so I just think it's a bit naive to say it's all in your head.  

I think that I need to have a fresh goal to inspire confidence in myself again and shake off the feeling that this battle is impossible.  Therefore, I'm going to start shooting for 90 days, starting today.  BH I've made it there many times, so no excuses that I can't do it!   

I'm going to post everyday bezh with a short update.  Another thing I did was order the Battle of the Generation book on Amazon.  I wanted to read it for a long time, but I never got very far reading on my computer.  

OK, thanks for listening, and have a blessed evening!

Hey, nice to hear from you from time to time. 

I too have gone for very long periods of time clean and find myself struggling now. There is something about what you wrote that really resonates.

What does that mean "paying too high a price for something so little"? I know it's a dumb question, but seriously, why the heck are you here if it's so little? 

I am not discounting the feeling, I often feel the same way I just think that deep down, it's really a different question. For me it's something like "I know this is a big deal, but for today, living in the present is just not worth it, I may as well go off to fantasy land." In fantasy land, there are different priorities and there it is indeed "something so little." 

I realize that when I am asking the question, I don't really mean what I am saying even though it feels that way. What I really need to work on is living a life that I am willing to remain present in.

Either way, just sharing a little about me, no pressure to relate to any of it. 

Day 2:  OK day today BH.  Went to school for a couple of classes.  I've been trying recently to get some studying done right away in the morning.  I've found that it lessens my stress when I get some productivity under my belt in the first few hours of the day. 

However, I was not successful with this today.  Nonetheless, I still met my school obligations for today, so I guess no harm, no foul.  I'll try again tomorrow.  

Separately, recently I've been struggling with vaping.  Or more accurately, not vaping.  I haven't done it for a couple of days now, because I don't think it is a good habit for me.  However, it can be very tempting to just give in.  Hmm... I think I'm going to keep with refraining for now.  I don't think the momentary pleasure it affords really benefits me in the long run, or even in the short term.  

Lastly, when I started this streak yesterday, I felt as though I have not been successful in this area for quite a while now.  I felt as though my recent history was filled with only failures in this area. 

However, while I was updating my chart, I took stock of my recent clean/fall history.  It wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought.  I was clean from roughly November 2020  - April 2021 (186 days).

During May 2021, June 2021, and July 2021, I had streaks of about a month, and then 50 odd days.  Then I was clean for August - September (over 60 days).  Then in October, I've been falling every couple of weeks or so. 

I know these numbers are boring.  However, because I've been falling relatively often recently, the yetzer hara somehow convinces me that I've just been having one long losing streak.  Perhaps this is a benefit of keeping track of this data - I know that the truth is that I have been winning a lot, even if it feels otherwise.  (Note:  There are of course downsides to tracking days...)  

OK, that's all I got for today.  Have a great evening!

That's a lot of clean days buddy. You should view the overall picture. You have progressed beautifully even if it is not as complete as you would like. Each success represents a strengthening of your resolve to be clean. As in any endeavor, it takes time to reach success. Disappointments can either stop someone, or like in your case, be a "stop and think" moment, to plan how to proceed better. Keep on hiking buddy.

Day 3:  OK day today BH.  Got some schoolwork done. Spoke to some family members on the phone.  Davened a shortened version of davening, so didn't feel too great about that.  The irony is that the more I'm strict with "Jewish" obligations, the harder it can be to stay clean, and then I'm left wondering what should take precedence  

Back to vaping today too, which I feel pretty conflicted about.  Anyways, overall, not a bad day.  Looking forward to a nice shabbos bezh.  Lastly, I printed out the 90 day chart and have been marking off days to increase my motivation - I think it helps.  Ok, have a great shabbos y'all!

Ihavestrength wrote on 12 Nov 2021 21:07:

I can relate to this as well.

I think it's related to the "E" word...When I constantly feel like I am sacrificing, everywhere it pulls somewhere else needs to bend. I am always fighting with myself this way, getting my points and checking off just enough boxes to feel like I am being good. 

I think that I did this because I wasn't in any way involved in my avodas Hashem. I was just doing it because I had to and because that's what everyone else is doing (and to prove to myself and others that I am good). When the you is not involved in your avodas Hashem it becomes a constant drag. We only have a limited amount of emotional energy for sacrificing and when we feel like we are spent we can have a hard time on other areas. Instead of a long davening empowering us and making us feel accomplished, it makes us feel completely depleted. (some people think it's because they want to be good and when they fight in one area, it gives them a right to weaken in a different area because "they deserve it". This may be true for some, but I think it's a depletion thing more than a "reward".)

If you relate to any of this, the way to work on it is to find the things in avodas Hashem that you do enjoy, that you do feel like you are gaining from and focus on trying to enjoy those things. then you can take something that you want to work on and try to find the things that you gain from it and focus on those things. Instead of focusing on the sacrifice, we can focus on how it benefits us. 

Once again, just sharing my experiences.