i-man wrote on 12 Oct 2020 04:43:

Seconded. Your posts have a life and soul of their own. Keep them up please.

Day 162: OK day today, BH. Watched a movie on the plane. I wasn't looking to lust, but watching it definitely resulted in increased urges today. I hadn't really had the chance to watch a movie in a while, so I sort of "forgot" how potentially triggering they can be. Probably not something I'll be doing again for a while. Anyways, tomorrow is another day, so I'm gonna head out now. Have a great night everyone!



Edit: Oh ya, I forgot to congratulate myself. Almost halfway to my new goal of 180 days. Woot!

Day 163: Good day, BH. Oysh it's late. Some things that happened today. Minyan. Learning Torah. Exercise. Studying. Class. Worrying. Being scared. Guitar. Song-writing. 2 coffees. 1 pill of ADHD medication. 1 beer. Thinking about someone I dated. Wishing I still could be dating them. Feeling guilty about having that desire. Ok, looking forward to a great day tomorrow bezh. 

Have a great night everyone!

Worrying and being scared. Two different tasks that can’t be done properly at the same time...
But seriously, I know what that’s like. Anxiety is not fun (speaking from lots of experience...)

Also, there’s no reason to feel guilty about having desires. It’s not wrong. You can’t control it. Pursuing desires (in thought or actions) is where the problem begins.

Ihavestrength wrote on 14 Oct 2020 05:24:

Sounds like you had a really nice, normal and healthy day.

Halavai by us all!

wilnevergiveup wrote on 14 Oct 2020 07:49:

Hehe. I actually debated whether to write "Good" or "OK day". Decided to go with positivity for the win  

Day 164: Good day today BH. Didn't have a moment to pause and appreciate the good today, but will try to do so tomorrow Bezh. Feeling a lot of fear. Fear of failing at school. 

Quotes to myself:

"Bitachon and Hishtadlus, please report for duty." 

"Don't compare yourself to others. You don't need to do things the same way as most, for it to be the right way for you."

"The main thing is not to be afraid at all."

Have a great night everyone!

Day 165: BH, halfway to my goal of 180 days! Yay me! I was super tired today and was not able to function well. Turns out I need sleep. The positive side is that I'm tired because I'm getting up on time for minyan. The negative is that I was going to sleep late. Thankfully, the solution is obvious. Just go to bed! "Ok, chill, I'm going, I'm going."

Good night y'all!

You inspired me to get to bed now and get up for minyan (haven’t done either one this week...) Just another zechus under your belt...

Days 166-167: Nice shabbos BH. Had some urges. Mostly due to stress. School-related stuff. Sometimes the best thing for me to do when I'm overwhelmed is just to take a break and chill. Anyway, have a great week y'all! 

Ihavestrength wrote on 18 Oct 2020 03:11:

That's the game changer buddy. So many of us trained ourselves to use pornography and masturbation as pacifiers/stress relievers. Once we start learning kosher and healthy ways to regulate ourselves, our reliance on the garbage diminishes incredibly.

Hey IHS where you at? We miss your daily updates. Hope you’re OK...

Hey all, I apologize for going AWOL. I'd like to give you an update on my situation. Last motzei shabbos (not this past one) I fell after over 5 and a half months of being clean. I watched porn and masturbated a few times. Then I went about a week clean and masturbated on Monday and Tuesday IIRC, this time without porn. Now, I've been clean today so far Ok, that was your update. Now let's head into reflections; the fun part.Why did I fall? Some of the contributing factors seem to have been: having a stomach ache, not being able to fall asleep, and just generally being under a lot of stress. I decided to look at porn and not just masturbate because I figured I may as well go "all out." I didn't feel like I needed to watch porn per se, I just figured I may as well watch and get "material" to masturbate to. 

I learned (not for the first time) that looking at porn definitely makes me feel worse afterward vs. masturbation alone. I also learned that I don't need porn to masturbate, and I actually get more pleasure out of masturbating without it. It also helps that I don't feel nearly as bad after just masturbating. Therefore, when I choose to fall, I think it's important that I just masturbate and don't look at porn.After falling, I asked myself where to go from here. I found that I fell again after a week because I had no plan or focus on what I was trying to accomplish, and I felt that masturbation alone didn't make me feel so horrible, so why not do it again. I told myself that it's normal and expected, especially from someone under so much stress like myself. 

I also recognized that while I was motivated to refrain from porn and masturbation because I want to live in congruence with my values as a frum Jew, (which state that these things are prohibited) I only managed to actually refrain by using "shelo lishma" tools such as counting days and posting here on the forum. Only by creating significance out of staying clean for a certain amount of time and the daily posting which reminded me to stay focused, was I able to amass really long streaks. 

There isn't anything wrong with "shelo lishma" tricks or tools of course. It's like someone who orders danishes for his weekly chavrusa learning. He wants to learn for the right reasons, but he is smart so he using everything he can to motivate himself, like danishes. Same thing with my counting days and posting on the forum. It helps me keep this mitzva of shmiras einayim and shmiras habris. 

After this fall I started wondering (not for the first time) whether I should be giving so much attention to this issue by counting days, posting, watching the daily boost videos etc. I had this question not because I thought that focusing on this would be counterintuitive (although there is some element of truth to that as well). Instead, I started questioning if this is what I should be doing. As in, is it the correct thing for me to do? 

Why wouldn't it be the correct thing for me to do? For example, let's say that I try to go to minyan every day (happens to be a true fact). Let's also say that I find it really hard to go to minyan and end up not going some days. I feel bad when I don't go, and generally, I think I'd be better off going. Now let's say that because of my difficulty in going to minyan, I decided to join an online support group where I posted about my struggles and successes, and also bought a calendar where I marked off each day I went to minyan. I also set different goal streaks and celebrated when I achieved my goals. 

 In this example above, I personally don't think that doing this is the solution to my minyan problem. While there isn't anything wrong with doing the above-described actions for solving my laziness to go to minyan, I don't think it would be the healthiest thing for me. While minyan is important to me, it isn't everything, and taking the above actions may cause me to give going to minyan undue importance at the expense of my sanity.
So I think going forward I'm not going to be posting or counting, not even keeping track of days at all. Not even checking once in a while how long it's been. I'm not aware of any mitzvah in the Torah that requires me to do so. I don't feel very setback by this fall, and I don't feel like I need to "get back" to where I was. Honestly, with one day clean, I feel exactly where I was a week ago. I feel just as in control etc.

If someone is dealing with a bad habit/addiction, let's say chronic porn watching, and wants to stop, support and tracking days perhaps can be helpful. I just honestly know that what I'm dealing with isn't that. Masturbating every now and then is not a bad habit or addiction. Yes, it's something I don't want to do because it is against my values, and I'll try my best not to. I just don't think I need to make this a focus. 

I waited to write this because frankly I didn't have the time or energy. I welcome any feedback from y'all. Love you all and wishing everyone a great night!

Hey nice to hear from you 
What about the rambling ? Your not going to deprive us of that are you?

i-man wrote on 29 Oct 2020 02:51:

Haha, thanks! G-d forbid! I'll definitely try to get in a ramble once in a while. I'm not swearing off GYE or anything, I think I'm just going to be experimenting and seeing if I can drop my focus on this. I don't think I really have such an issue with this that would require me to rebuild my self worth by having success in this area. Hope that makes sense. Plus, I may change my mind. Never say never