Day 137: Don't have loads of time as it is Erev Rosh Hashanah, but I wanted to wish everyone a ksiva vcahsima tova and a year of only revealed good! 

BH, things have gotten easier these past few days. It taught me not to give up and mostly not to be afraid. Literally, whoever said that the "main thing" is not fear at all" was onto something Good Yom tov!!!

Days 138-141: Less than 10 days until I reach my goal of 150 days bezH! Rosh Hashanah was aight, fasting today was not fun, but then I guess it's not suppose to be lol. Anyways, tommorow is another day of course. Quite tired and don't feel too great from fasting. Ok, time for bed me thinks. Have a great night y'all!

You are doing awesome!!

Do you have a goal after 150? 

Days 142-143: @realestatemogul Thanks! I guess you will need to stick around and see I can't give away all my secrets!

Feeling overwhelmed with life. My head and face hurt from my glasses. I'm tired. I want to get up tomorrow for minyan like I did today, but I'm doubting myself. I just want to close my eyes and forget all my worries, obligations, and life. Ok, let me go and try to close my eyes. Every day is a struggle. The temptation to escape life is a strong one. I fight each day and sometimes I gotta be honest, I wonder is it worth it? Maybe I should just give in and it will help me relax and allow me to better meet my responsibilities. I guess the counter-claim is that when in life have I met my responsibilities the most overall? Masturbating or not? I think the answer is not, even if for the simple reason that I don't know how to do it without feeling guilty and horrible. Maybe that is a good thing. Anyways, the only thing that really stops me is that I figure Hashem wouldn't tell me not to do something if it wasn't for my ultimate good. Or maybe that is me attributing more refined thinking to myself. Perhaps it's more that I have things in my life that are high stakes and I'm scared that I'll fail if I disobey Hashem. Ok, my face is hurting too much. Time to take off my glasses and go to bed. Turns out my glasses can't be adjusted lol. Have a great night!

Wow. You put so clearly into words the confusion I so often experience.....

Days 144-146: I had a nice enough shabbos, BH. I'm not looking forward much to Yom Kippur. OK, I'm being polite; I'm dreading it. I know that things are usually not as scary as I think they will be, though. So, I'm sure I will be fine. 

Separately, I want to mention one last thing. I was feeling overwhelmed with my schoolwork. Even simply planning out when to do everything was too difficult for me. So, instead of planning I just decided to work on something. It turns out that was a good idea. Sometimes, if I feel like I have too much to do it's best to just start doing and stop thinking. After all, you have so much to do, not so much to think.

Gmar Chasima Tovah everyone! 

Day 147: Erev Yom Kippur. What a year it's been. I guess that would have already been an appropriate thought before Rosh Hashana, but sometimes it takes aseres yimei tshuva to get to a place of reflection. Even the smallest things, like changing the nusach in shemone esrai to hamelech, cause subtle shifts that put one in a certain state of mind. 

I want to use this moment to remind myself about the biggest cause of failure for me in the area that GYE deals with: it is not being happy with myself. I think this is why the Yomim Noraim have been triggering for myself and others; we traditionally think of these days as times to be broken over who we are and resolve to improve. I would like to posit that this is not really what Yom Kippur is about. Many times when I am not happy with who I am, it's really that I am upset that Hashem has not made me smarter, more handsome, or wealthier. It's not only that I want to improve, but it's also  I feel like how I am in this moment, how Hashem is currently creating me, is not good enough. For me, this Yom Kippur is going to be about realizing that Hashem wants me, the imperfect me, who may be very average, to serve him with what faculties I have. It's late, and I should not even have written as much as I just did, but I felt I needed to. I hope it's clear enough, because unfortunately I don't have the luxury of ensuring that it is. Gmar Chasima Tovah, wishing everyone all the brachos for a good year!

Days 147-148: Nice Yom Kippur, BH. That is to say, it was an easy fast Just kidding of course; I meant that the davening was great!

More seriously, I'm almost at my goal of 150 days, so yay me! I think one of the unique or cool things about this streak is that I posted almost every on the forum. That's almost 5 months of almost daily posts (yes, that is a lot of almosts)! Who cares? Well, I never said anyone does, that's just a personal record of consistency in posting for me, so I thought I'd mention it. 

Have a great night!

Ihavestrength wrote on 27 Sep 2020 21:12:

Well said. Thanks!
In a similar vein, I once heard that low self esteem stems from Gaavah.
Like you put it, I'm really upset that Hashem created me this way.

I appreciate your posts, keep them up.

Thanks 

Days 149-150: Woot!!! I reached my goal of 150 days! BH, it's been a productive journey to this goal. It hasn't always been easy, but it's been worth it Not much else to say at the moment, so I'll sign off for now. My new goal is 180 Bezh.



Have a great night everyone!

Days 151-154: I had some hectic days this past week. I'm visiting my family for Yom Tov which is nice. It's nice, yet it creates unique challenges and opportunities to get stressed. But then again, that's true of every place and situation. Each place and situation has its own unique characteristics that create unique challenges. The positive side to this is that each place also by default will not have some of the challenges that a different place has. I suppose if I look at each place and situation as an opportunity to face and overcome different challenges, that might just be a good perspective. 

Another random thing: I spoke to someone yesterday about how my day seems to be more successful when I daven with a minyan and learn some Torah. I seem to use my time more efficiently on those days, and things generally go smoother. He reminded me today about what I told him and I'm writing it here to further remind myself of this. Another thing he reminded me of is not to sell myself short regarding doing well in school. He said that even if I don't want to stake my identity on being successful in school, (because there are more important things in life) I should not sell myself short and should do well. I'm writing this here to remind myself of this additional nugget of wisdom. 

Second to last random thing: Yom Tov was nice BH.

Last random thing: COVID is still annoying. 

Ok, that's all for me tonight. Looking forward to what hopefully will be a good night's sleep. Have a great night y'all and Gut Moed!

These are some great nuggets!

I happen to find I also do MUCH better when I am davening and learning well. Keep up the great work and I am rooting for you!! 

Days 155-158: I'm too tired to post anything, but just wanted to check in and say hi. BH, things are going OK. I'll try and post tomorrow. Good night! 

Days 158-161: I had a nice Yom Tov BH, and I'm heading back home soon. I'm happy that I maintained a good attitude while being at my parents' home, and that the unique challenges I faced didn't cause me to stumble in this area. Inevitably, when I return home, I will face the unique challenges that home presents. Keeping a positive attitude of bitachon can probably help me look towards the challenges as opportunities instead of something to be scared of. But sure, I get scared all the time. The trick is to not be scared one day at a time maybe. Ok, I think I may just be talking nonsense and just writing something to write something, so I'll stop here. Have a great week everyone!

Great post , aside from the nonsense about talking nonsense...
seriously if everyone’s nonsense would be like your nonsense the world would be a much better place.