Days 131-133: OK day BH. Not easy, but hey, who said life was easy. I feel like every day I barely manage to stay centered and get done what needs to get done. Maybe that isn't actually a problem though. I'm just always anxious so it sort of sucks. I want to get married, and I want to marry someone I love and who loves me. Sorry if that was random lol. A long time ago I posted a quote from Louis Brandeis which goes something like "If you would only understand that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you." I guess I still have trouble accepting that. I struggle with understanding why I suffer. Is it because of how I act? I try to improve every day, but I also try and improve in a sustainable way so I don't crash and burn. Basically, I just feel like I'm barely holding it together all the time. I've got the ADHD read bad and it sucks, my mind is all over the place all the time. Oy, not really sure what I'm saying. I guess I'm just ranting, raving, and rambling. I guess it comes down to bitachon? I'm not gonna lie and say that Hashem isn't kind to me in so many ways and helps me... Arghh... I think I'm gonna cut it short here and have pity on y'all Ok, sorry for the negative vibes. Going to daven tonight and try and have a more positive attitude tommorow. One good thing I'm doing is making sure to write about things I'm grateful for. 

Ihavestrength wrote on 14 Sep 2020 03:13:

I don't think (if my opinion holds any weight) that it's just bitachon. This is an area that takes a lifetime to grow in. Rav dessler as well as many others (Chovos Halevavos, Ramchal) explain this concept beautifully in a very clear and understandable way. It has helped me gain some clarity in this area, it may help you or may not. 
I love the quote from Lous Brandis, that's the general idea, but very superficial. Gaining a deeper understanding of why this is true will surely create more clarity.
This is a lengthy topic, so just know that it isn't grasped in just one go. 

wilnevergiveup wrote on 14 Sep 2020 06:46:

@willnevergiveup Thanks for the recommendations! Chovos halevovos is definitely on my bucket list. Very true that it is something I need to work on and shouldn't just expect it to come easily. 

Day 134: Don't usually post during the day, but had an "urge" to post Didn't wake up for slichos. I really don't like slichos or waking up lol. Otherwise had a decent day so far. I dated someone a few months ago and not a single day has passed where I haven't thought of her. It sucks alot. I want to just forget and move on, but it doesn't seem my brain is on the same page. Ok, that was random, but I just wanted to share that. Alright, looking forward to the rest of what will iyh be a great day. Talk to y'all tomorrow and have a great day!

Ihavestrength wrote on 14 Sep 2020 16:17:

Each of your posts feel real, and detailed. Thank you.

Firstly, not enjoying selichos? I don't really get much out of them either. Goes way too fast for me to have any kavana. And the words are just too hard. But maybe I can suggest 2 things we can get chizuk from.

Firstly, the Hashem Hashem's. Rashi explains that Hashem Hashem means its the same Hashem (the name connoting G-d's mercy) before and after the aveira. Hashem loves us and has infinite mercy for us, whether we resist the temptation, or we fall. And 'V'chanun' symbolises that Hashem helps us when we scream out to him in need, helping us overcome temptation that is too hard for us to handle alone. I find these, along with the other names, really relate to our situation. I feel its worth us going to shul just to say even one Hashem Hashem with meaning. 

I also love the list of pesukim near the end of the selichos. Its a compilation of most of my favorite pesukim from throughout tenach. Ones like (paraphrasing) 'even when you are spread out among the peoples, you shall seek out Hashem and you shall find Him, when you look with all your heart and soul.' 

Lastly, if all else fails, maybe Hashem wants us to just get up and go to shul. Show him we care.

I'm genuinely not trying to preach, just trying to give a little chizuk. But I don't know your matzav, so take it or leave it.


Yup, it was random.
I'm not yet in shidduchim, so  I have no idea what this feels like. I just thought I'd share a story. My Rav related to us in a shiur that there was a woman in the community who told him the following: when she was young, she loved a certain boy. But eventually things didn't work out and she was devastated - she locked herself in a room for 3 days! After a while she moved on. Married, started a family. 30 years later she met the same man she had once loved while traveling to London. She said he had a pot belly, receding hairline, and was the biggest looser in life. to which she looked up and said 'Thank you Abishter.'

Nimshal is, we don't know why Hashem does things. We can't know. But we have to trust. And as willnevergiveup said, its a lifetimes avoda. R' Wallerstein (a kiruv Rebbe in America) said he knew a boy who loved a girl. They broke up, it broke his heart. A few years later, this girl died of cancer, rachmona litzlon. The point is, we don't know. I hope this girl you refer to lives a happy healthy hatzlocha filled life. I hope she marries someone. But then you will be the lucky boy, as for whatever reason, she's not with you.

Wow this was long. My form of a rant I suppose. Sorry. Much Beracha and Hatzlocha.

I feel your pain. These things can sting.

Of course everything Hashem does is for the best, and it's important to remember that. But at the same time, it's also important to remember that Hashem cares very much about what we want, and about every pain we feel. IIf you wanted something, that's very important to Him, and if He didn't do it, it must have really been worth it. And He feels your pain always. Hashem knew that this would still sting for you months after, and He took that into careful consideration. (Of course, since Hashem can do anything, we can never fully answer questions because we can always ask why didn't Hashem make this be best since He can do anything? But we can accept and be comfortable with His decisions anyway because we know He's empathetic and really cares and is surely doing what's best even though we don't understand.)
I hope this helps soothe your pain just a little. May Hashem send you the right one soon who will make you forget about everyone else!

You are such a real guy and express yourself so honestly. Let me reassure you that you are normal and thinking about a girl you dated in the past is very common and can be expected. She obviously filled some void in your life, usually it is companionship for loneliness, coupled with some caring...  Iyh you will find the "right one" and she will be so great that all the distant memories of others will recede.

1) @Im Tevakshena Kakasef  Thank you for the kind words! It makes me happy that you benefit in some way from my posts Also, thanks for your insights on selichos! I go to minyan in the morning pretty often,(I "try" going everyday but I'm not always successful) but anytime there is something like selichos or something that breaks the regular rhythm it's difficult for me. Something I need to work on, that's for sure

2) I'd like to give you a bracha that when you enter shidduchim you find your zivug quickly and easily. Shidduchim can be really tough Thank you for the story from your Rav. As much as I understand the idea that Hashem has a plan, it's hard to get my heart to get in line about it. Also, I can't help but think, maybe I'm suffering because I'm undeserving of Hashem's brachos. 

Captain wrote on 15 Sep 2020 00:36:

@captain Thank you! That is a very nuanced and beautiful perspective. The one thing I struggle with is that I know I'm far from perfect, so maybe Hashem is doing what's for the "best" because I need some suffering, and that's the tough part for me to swallow I guess. 

Edit: I almost forgot, thank you for the amazing bracha! Amen  

Hashem Help Me wrote on 15 Sep 2020 01:06:

Amen! Thank you very much HHM. Always a pleasure to see your posts on my thread  

Ihavestrength wrote on 15 Sep 2020 03:17:



There are many reasons why we may suffer, and it's always for the best as you say but we can never know the reason. We see many good people suffering and many not very good people prospering, there are many reasons for this. Suffering may be a kapparah for something done a long time ago or even something done by anancestor. Sometimes it is a test for tzadikim to see how they will react (and they didn't deserve it at all).

In general you can say when faced with a challenge, the message is that Hashem wants you to reevaluate. (heard from Rav Yitzchok Berkowitz) 

If you feel you are growing then make sure to strengthen it. In areas that need improvement, make sure to make a plan.

He also explains that we are not on the level to actually fear Hashem in a way that will cause us to become better, therefore we must know that any fear that we do have is probably something else. The proper fear to have is the fear of missing the opportunity given to us by Hashem to grow closer to him (he was speaking about Elul and Yamim Noraim).

Hope this is helpful, if not then please disregard.

All the best,
Willnevergiveup

I also felt this way for a long time. What helped me best was learning a lot about Bitachon, especially from the original sources, the Rishonim. I especially recommend reading Rabbeinu Yonah on Mishlei perek 3 pasuk 26, Rabbi Avrohom ben Harambams chapter on bitachon in Sefer Hamaspik, and Chovos Halevavos's chapter on bitachon. (The last 2 are available in English, though Chovos Halevavos is the least straightforward and easily understood of the 3.) If you want a modern work also, check out the Living Emunah book series by Rabbi David Ashear.

It takes time, and progress is usually slow. But it helps. 
(Also check out my post in the thread by Demolished about Yomim Norayim, in the Introduce Yourself section.)

Ihavestrength wrote on 15 Sep 2020 03:17:

Firstly, thank you so much. May you find your bashert speedily and effortlessly, and may you build a happy healthy family together, where you all live ratzon Hashem every day.

'V'yodata hayom, vehashivosa al l'vovecha.' First bits the easy bit, knowing Hashem runs the show. (Well, not so easy.) Second bit, not so much. To place it on our hearts and live life like that is our lifetimes work.

As for undeserving of beracha, you're here aren't you? There's a lot of people who don't care to look for G-d, or to improve themselves in any way. But you're here and trying. As the others have said, there are lots of different reasons why a person suffers and struggles in life. If you know why, o.k. But if you look and see that you are going in an upwards direction, don't worry about why you have challenges. Just grow from them.

All the best.

Days 135 & 136: Over halfway to my current goal of 150 days, so yay me!

These past couple of days have been uniquely challenging and really have given me the opportunity to grow. BH, so far I've mostly utilized the opportunity. (I could have said that I've had some very difficult urges these past few days and it sucks, but I think the previous sentences give a more accurate account.)

Have a lot of stress from school and some other areas as well. I'm very good at having stressful areas in life I guess Another source of stress is being lonely.

Indeed, a big motivation towards marriage for me is companionship (yes, lack of that happening is another source of stress lol). If any of you are like, be happy before you are married dude! Well yes, I used to think like all you idealistic chaps. Thing is, sure, I try to be happy, and BH I'm successful some of the time. However, the gemara doesn't say that you ain't a man for no reason.

Sorry not trying to be controversial or make some grand statement or anything, just sharing some feelings from the mind of a very tired and exhausted fellow who may not necessarily be very coherent at the moment. Being in a non-Jewish university and not being married also presents some unique challenges.

Oh lastly, I think I figured out why things get tougher for me around RH and YK and maybe even yom tov in general. It's that there is more pressure to NOT SCREW UP. Like, no you can't masturbate a few days before RH etc. That would make me extra bad.... But because it's so taboo, so shameful etc., it's also that much more tempting. So maybe it's important to remind myself that Hashem is higher than time and place and most likely the time and place of my acting out isn't the most important thing to him.

Ok, not sure if that made any sense honestly, but really I am REALLY tired! Ok, thanks for letting me ramble as always, I wish I wasn't as tired and my brain was clearer in general, but hey, gotta work with what we got. Tomorrow can always be better than today. It only requires that I believe it can indeed be so. Have a great night everyone!

I think most of us can relate to that pressure , for the past few years I’ve changed my perspective . It’s not that I’m scared to do the wrong thing , rather I focus on the knowledge that my father who has enormous amount of love for me , is yet closer during this period and wants the best for me  etc  with that I find it so much easier to say no ,and significantly less pressure than from when it was just a scary time.( there is still room for eyma & yirah)

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Sep 2020 02:57:

Buddy, you crystallized and put into easily understandable words what so many of us struggle with during Elul Tishrei. If this is how much sense you make when you are really tired, imagine how helpful you can be to all of us when well rested!