Hakolhevel wrote on 08 Jun 2020 04:47:

Same here.

You leave me dry for excuses...

Wishing you lots of hatzlacha!
Wilnevergiveup

Od Yosef Chai? Where's Yosef?

Cain... "Ani Yosef" Hi guys, I missed you

Sorry of not being active and posting in a while, I wasn't really in a place or mindset that I wanted to be involved with GYE. Not depression (or at least not fully), just I for some reason convinced myself that I was working to hard on recovery, and that is why I fell (GYE included). But pishpash, I just wasn't ready to get back on the horse... so hi everyone!!!

Biemes I've really just pushing this off for a long long while, id say even since last week. It may be because of all of the overwhelming amount that I want to get down, and since the day after my fall... I did a lot of thinking. 

For now ill just start with today, and see where that takes me.
Spoke with my psychologist today, and together we realized that when I fell that first time last week it kind of derailed me, and I didn't really notice. I stoped going to shiur, don't meditate, stopped using fortify/GYE, haven't read Rav Twerskys book... pretty much anything actively I was doing for recovery, everything just because passive. Which is what led to 2 nights ago, which was a bingefest that reminds me of the old days (actually not that long ago). It including a nice amount of porn/masterbation, a lot of dopamine, a nice amount of youtube, and a really really late night. That threw me off even more, and for 2 days really I didn't even wake up for shacharis. Everyone in my house thought I was depressed and all the sudden got a bit more sensitive, so I just rolled with it, and used it as an excuse to not be productive, and be late to things.
I also brought up a point that I might delve into a bit more later, but how I've been trying to identify with the reality that I never really feel good after... which I definataley true. The only thing is that now (since I guess I've been so long without it), I just enjoyed it and moved on (ODAAT after all). As much as I want/ed to stop, no matter what someone told me, or what I told myself, I can't deny what I experience. I enjoyed it. The main distinction though, is that is was solely a physical pleasure and stopped there... nothing else. I have to understand that all I'm going to gain in that moment is physical satisfaction (which may lead to being sad), definitely lead to me having and being dysfunctional (which always leads to sadness), and won't solve my emotional state... its just feeling.

Finally we spoke about that I need to learn how to fall. Its weird to think about it like that because even in a state of ODAAT mindset, I still can say that I have a long term commitment of never watching porn again (or at the very least that moment)... so isn't it a bit of steera to prepare for failure?.. thats not my MO, thats not what I convinced myself based on my expectation. In every moment I have to understand that in that moment I shouldn't masterbate and watch porn... but then why am I planning for failure... unless I'm assuming evetunally ill fail? is that it?An answer given that I would like to think about more is that were human... and as much as I am committed to never watching porn again, and at the very least (and best) now, I also have to understand that I am human. Nothing is perfect, and just because I plan how to fall, doesn't mean I am going to fall. Every rocketship that is sent to space has crazy safety equipment built into the program for things even before liftoff. Do they plan on exploding, no of course not... but it never hurt to have some precautions taken, safety first after all. The same way by me, I can accept that I'm not gonna watch porn, but at the same time... safety first, in this moment not only do I have the power to control this moment, but I can also do something to set myself up for success in the future. This is where I'm leaving off for now, not doing too much at a time, and I have little written notes to make sure I don't forget. Hopefully ill continue this, but at the very least sum up a bit of the day. 
How do I prepare for a fall. I have to learn how to be okay with feeling uncomfortable. Its ok if I'm not sure I want to watch or not, even though I don't feel right, I can still act right. Especially right after a fall, I have to jump right back not he horse as soon as possible, before I have time to think... then once I'm in a safe surrounding place, I can reset and refresh, but until then Im really in no place to get better in an part of my life.

Today was nice, I practiced a bit more guitar, davened with a minyan 3 times, and learned with my grandfather. I always heard a quote.. torah changes you, and although I can't say I feel that always, I definitely did today. After a strong chavrusa, I felt like a different person, reinvigorated and ready to make good decisions. Until now I've still be reseting from my dopamine high I think, and I really haven't been thinking strait... now I think I'm moving back to normal. BEZH before I go to sleep I'm gonna redo my taphsic.

Wow wow wow, not in a weird way but I wish I can give you a hug(I guess just imagine a virtual one lol). Thats a lot of emotions for one person and we def missed hearing from you. 
I do have thoughts on a lot ur message, but I dont think I have enough experience to know if itll be right so I'm not going to mention it...
One thing I will mention, IVE BEEN WHERE YOU WERE. That whole late night getting into a bad cycle of a couple days... Ive been there 

Hi guys, Sorry my  haven't caught up in a bit... BH I'm doing well, o feel great after a run today, and refreshed and well hydrated. Regarding my addiction though not as good. I had another binge last night and pretty much went all out, and I owe $50 to tzedaka for that... Pretty expensive night. 

Lately I have had a feeling of being out of touch with the reasons of why I want to stop and quit the addiction. After speaking it out with someone, I have actually been showing signs of depression that I didn't even realize, waking up late, being tired, napping, masterbating and pornography, go to sleep late, impulsive eating.... I to,d him all of this, but until he explained these were my usual symptoms of depression I didn't really realize it. So I'm trying to figure out what that is, but what's confusing is I don't really know what caused it. Lack of schedule? Not enough time outside the house? Not enough activity? Or maybe just because I have been in the porn cycle... Where I feel bad and I watch porn, which makes me feel bad so I watch porn...   Could be all of these combined. 

The only weird thing is that I don't really feel depressed, I'm just showing the symptoms... Which could mean I'm repressing something, or I'm just not at a point where I'm in touch with myself. Either way, bh I make it through the day and feel fine most of the time, nothing really crazy up or down besides my binges... So I guess I'll have to look into that more. 

On on my last streak I convinced myself that I worked too hard, and now I'm just venting off all of that pressure I put I myself. Whether it's true or not, there is never a good reason to act out and watch porn... Especially if it's impulsive. So I guess now I'm just looking for a bit more balanced approach. I also know that I have to cut myself some slack because of the situation were all in, but that phylosophy really only works for the past... The future I can plan for, the now I can control. 

For or now to change up my plan I'm gonna try to do what worked before plus a couple of differences... We'll see how it goes 
Sleep schedule with bedtime - 9 hours
Meditate every dayfor at least 2 minutes
Run every day while listening to podcast- at least mile
GYE check up twice a week
Journal every other day
Fortify program every day

Hopefully I'm on a course which is getting me back on track... Because I know I have really gained a lot over the past couple months and there's so much more to enjoy. 

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 11 Jun 2020 03:24:

Pish pash, anything that's comes out of your mouth (or typed on your keyboard) is of value to me. Let those fingers fly. 

Thanks so much, it really means a lot to me to see responses. I'll take you up on that virtual hug  but we got to social distance too. 

We just want to hear from you Yosef, you’re extremely uplifting just by being around.

Couldn't agree more, you're a very uplifting guy. 
You said you've identified feelings of depression. Have you considered going to CBT or a psychiatrist?
If you are suferring from depression, it could be an uphill battle without proper treatment. Remember, depression is not sadness, it's more like an apathethic attitude and or indifference to life in general.

yosef10 wrote on 16 Jun 2020 01:36:

btw same here, I value your input and appreciate it. Stay strong and I always like to hear from you.
Imh in the future Ill give my two cents, and if it seems wrong hopefully some experienced GYEer will put me in place.
KEEP POSTING

How you been buddy?

Meyer M. wrote on 10 Jun 2020 11:38:

Nu? Where are you?
If you’re doing well, then share with us and inspire us!
And if ur having a hard time then join the club, the family! Don’t go through this alone!

Meyer M. wrote on 10 Jun 2020 11:38:

Cmon man, I see u we’re on the site yesterday. Post an update, tell us what’s happening. We’re one family.
Please don’t leave us in the dark

HI guys, its been a while, just started a new post on another forum, (https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/369724-Its-been-a-while-SORRY#369724). Im really sorry I haven't kept in touch with you guys over the past year, I essentially fell off the face of the earth. Just wanted to let you guys know I really did miss you, and I feel terrible for leaving on a dime like that. 
Hopefully ill be around a bit more for now on:). Looking forward to hearing from you guys.

Just wanted to take a second before shabbos to thank all of the GYE Chevra for everything. Especially to everyone who was responding, it feels good to be back.
Shabbat Shalom