Ditto. Nice to see sing around again.

In preparing for my session tomorrow I had a couple of insights about what is going on. One big key factor to it being "Easier" during this streak is def initaly because of the iPad (big factor). My mental energy tank isn't used up during the day, because even seemingly clean things, like Amazon can have triggering pictures of women. To be constantly (even if it's subconscious) fighting those little battles, my energy get used up unnesasarily and when it's time for a bigger fight, I have less juice in the tank that I could have. I think this is what my Rebbe means about technical success. This is also the time that I transition from the one week period to the weeks 2 and 3. These are the big boy battles, and now that this is the third time this kayetz zman since I'm committed to stopping, it's up to me to better prepare for what's coming up soon, and also so that it doesn't hit me so hard. 

Keep eps your tank as full as possible. 

yosef10 wrote on 13 May 2020 16:23:

aww thank you <3

My strategy is like this:

• I try get up at 5 AM, do daf yomi, or at least a bit of it, then come onto gye for a few mins before I put on a 30-min cycling video.
• At our business 8AM video standup, while other are talking and sharing, I browse the forums
• When I'm bored at work I sometimes overcome the overwhelming desire to play a game of chess and come to gye instead. Since I live in a different timezone, I can reply all at once and things are relatively quiet the rest of the day.

I'm glad I can help

Keep up the good work! It is very normal during weeks 2 and 3 to experience some level of withdrawal. Don't let it create panic. It gets better. Ride the waves...

Weeks 2-3 here we goWhat a time to appreciate health. Friday night I had a really hard time breathing through my nose, which made sleep much much more difficult. I didn't end up singing zmiros Friday night in an attempt to get up on time the next day... But because of the breathing complications it was much more difficult. After a good meal, it seems like that through most of the day I was pushing off the opportunity to learn...
Even as I write this now I am doing the same, so maybe I have to push a bit more. I've been having more wet dreams and explicit thoughts lately' which are probably atributed to the 2-3 week period which is closing upon me. The time where I have fell multiple times before, but at the same time have learned multiple things. I'm confident that I can for now at least push to 19 days, which were my consistent streaks in Yeshiva, even though I feel it to start getting much more difficult. Hopefully a more consistent meditation schedule, and shiur schedule all together will help.
Being that it's more difficult, I'm gonna try to stick up to working on the iPad more, to keep that mental energy tank as full as possible. I have also found that at some times, writing in the GYE forums really helps, and so does writing here. Even though I may not have felt the full effects yet, and those are to come soon hopefully, I still have found it a great outlet to write down my thoughts and feelings.

It's a real battle, and it's going to continue to be. If I'm weary of certain thoughts or urges coming upon myself, moving to another room and taking s deep breath really helps. Right now I'm heading to day 12' and BEZH there is so much more good ahead of me. I just got to keep my head strait and remind myself of what I want... and maybe even more importantly why I want it.

The started off ok, with waking up a bit late for shiur, which I want to get better at, and then just wasting time and chilling during chavrusa and shiur.... Not sure if this is good or bad. 
But then as the day went on, and it was around pushing towards 230 I starting having urges to go watch porn and masterbate. I was in a situation for success because I only had my iPad next to me, and the only real thing I can do besides learn and zoom is go on GYE and fortify, which I did, and spent a lot of time on the forum. Since I knew I had an urge, I decided not to go on my computer for the time being, and eventually went to my room where it was still difficult. The fighting took a lot out of me, and I ended up napping until around 730 when my sister and brother inlaw came. From then on the day was really nice. 
We had a catch across the yard, played guitar, ate pizza, it was a really great time and I enjoyed sister and brother inlaw company, which was the perfect thing to get my mind off of porn and reset all together. When I was outside, I forgot that I was struggling and just enjoyed the family time. This is a big point.... That sometimes I just need to reset, because I may not even in reality have the urge anymore. 
I ended off the day with reading a couple of articles on GYE, and finally starting the fortify program which I have found to be very very foundational to my other long time streaks. 
A few insights of the day:
I have to give up all of my struggles to Hashem, He is the one who created them after all, and for me to fight it head on would be me fighting Hashem head on. I just have to understand that I can only do this moment, that's all I have control over. 
Every day is day one. Usually I wait for a streak to come to a halt to hit the reset button and see what I can do better. Now I realize I don't have to do that, every day can be day one. All though streaks can be very helpful in terms of tracking progress and it does definitely feel good to rack up days, that's not the ikur. For example, a day like yesterday, were a while ago I would have went strait to porn and masterbating after being depressed, yesterday I didn't. THATS HUGE. There was also even some sort of a different thought process, that me being upset doesn't mean I want to act out, and anyways it will just make me feel worse.  
It's really cool to see these little progressions, and what I think is growing into a long lasting, change, created by step after step. I am really excited for what's in store, and especially exciting for tomorrow, cause what else should I (wouldn't make sense to worry about)... NOTHING.  

Not sure if I should make another topic for this, I guess we'll see where it goes... I'm curious about, to those who seem to know this well are SAA participants, what it really means "to surrender"?

So far, and again I'm no bukee so this may be waaaaaay off, of what I have understood is that it the belief and understanding that it is Hashem who creates and controls everything, my thoughts/feelings/urges included. Since he is the driver, it is on,y He who can really bring me to a state in which I feel more comfortable (whether it be urges, stress, anxiety, etc.) and for me to push it off, or even to fight it head on will inevitably lead to a failed attempt at keeping my cool... Because in the end of the day who's gonna win... Me or my thoughts (which are brought on by Hashem). I therefore must accept the fact that, especially in a moment that I'm am struggling with any life experience, that it is Hashem who brought me here, and it is Hashem who can bring me out. Essentially in doing this, I am giving over the struggle to Hashem and putting it out of my hands and into his, because to do otherwise is truly nonsense. 

The he result of these beleifs and thought processes eventually lead me to a place where I have no control, and whatever thoughts and feelings come in, come and go, and at that point, as there passing by, I shouldn't judge them as good or bad. 

This is will bring me to being calm and more present. 
-----------------------
Again, I'm not sure if any of this really holds true, this is just really a compilation of my thoughts of what I have picked up from others who have went to SAA on GYE over the years... But I could be totally off. 

If if there's anyone who can correct the flaws, or reset them all together, I would really appreciate that. To also hear of some exercises to do so when I'm in "that moment of struggle" I can use that tool to help me get by.

thanks to all

I've definitely been feeling more symptoms lately. After being upstairs, from around the hours of 12-1 and 2-4 I have felt more of an inclination to watch porn and masterbate. I'm not sure if it's just in my head, but the urges seem a bit more strong than I was dealing with in previous days.
How did I respond. 
I pretty much spent the entire day on GYE responding and giving answers to forums for my GYE brothers. I must have had about 5+ hours logged on between reading and responding. As I was doing this activity, I was able to, on the side, think about the feeling and watch it go up and go down... Until I eventually forgot about it altogether. That was pretty cool, what used to be me running either to porn right away, Amazon to distract  myself, and now running to GYE and be able to at the same time of being in a safe place where I don't have to worry about opening a browser and cheating myself again (this work iPad can only access the websites zoom, fortify, and Gye). Instead I can be involved in my struggle, not deny that it's happening, feel the urges, but also not act out. I hope to make this a habit, that if I feel an urge coming, I go to GYE and type away on the forum. 
Obviously another HUGE benefit is that while doing this, I also try to help others, and also get some advice myself. It seems like almost the best solution I've found during an urge that has worked. But of course I also set myself up for success, I haven't really gone on my laptop in a while, so no Amazon or models or anything like that, I have my taphsic in place, do the fortify program, locked my device to limited functions... Work and recovery (which is also work), and have been making my own personal change on life that every day is day one. Every day is a new day to reset, refresh, see what worked and what didn't work, and above all else... Keep moving forward.

I hope to continue with these philosophies even if I fall, because it won't really matter, at every moment I'll understand that I can only decide for now, so I better make a good decision. Long term commitments make me feel accomplished, but also add a bug burden... So if I plan on learning shas.. All I can do now is learn a half an amud.... If the plan is to raise a family, have a wife and treat her like a princess, then all I have to do now is work through recovery.... And maybe even learn a bit. 


Because everything else is out of my control... So why bother?

A Rosh Yeshiva once said, if you open a Bava Basra and keep checking how many Dapim you have left you're not going to finish. Open to Daf Beis and just learn.
One day at a time.
Keep it up! You inspire me!

GYE to the rescue again!!!
After have no what I used to qualify as a difficult day.. Full of struggles and back and forth, turned into what I would now say is a more contains thought out decision process, where I have bechira to choose what I do at each moment. Just like yesterday, when I started to think about watching porn and masterbating... I went strait to the Gye forums and typed away. At the same time as this gave me something to focus on... I'm am not avoiding my motions, I am with them, experiencing them, and through the writing... Letting them pass. 
I also ended up watching a tv show with a friend (via zoom), something I took the time to decide whether or not I wanted to do that, and decided that, because I felt good about where I am and where I am going, the social aspect and the entertainment can only do positive. I did see some things I didn't want to... But I was prepared and relaxed about it... It didn't trigger me as much, but we'll see how that goes for tomorrow, you never know. 
I also had a lot of fun towards the end of the day playing guitar, since I felt I've been having a lot of screen time lately, I decided it was a good decision to take a couple of hours off from looking at the screen. Maybe I'll try to do the same thing a different day this week but also do some physical activity, so maybe I can push for that, (just gonna start with a mile so I don't feel pressured). 

BH as of right now I'm into DAY 14, which has been my longest streak since I began to recommit. The feeling is much different than other streaks I've had, I don't feel as battle worn or out of energy,  and I think that's because of the iPad, forums, fortify, guitar, and my every day is the first day approach.  

Side point: my rebbe gave me an Eitza for today, as it is yesod shebeyesod in the count of the omer. He said that I should think about ways that I can make falling not an option.... How, to the best of my ability, use my clever head (the same one that used to break through filters) and use it to make myself a foolproof plan... Something that will garuntee the best possible success, to use that plan, and fix it up each day in to something that helps me better. 

I always have to try to remember why I'm doing this, what I'm fighting for. I want to have urges control me, I never feel good after, and most of all for my wife and kids.  
Always good to remind myself.

I am battling but not battle worn. 

Wow. You have such resolve and write in such an open way it's amazing!
I love your "every day i the first day" approach. Decreasing screen time is definitely a good idea. I have to work on that myself...not easy when you're in college. But as a wise man once told me, don't let your college interfere with your education 

Haven't really posted in a while, so I'm going to sum up the past couple of days. 
Wow are urges tempting, there is seemingly everyday at least once or a twice a raging urge to masterbate and watch pornography, sometimes I even got to the point of unzipping my pants and underwear... But aside from basic sensation nothing really past that ( thinking about it now I should be more careful). Haven't been going on the Internet or using other devises other than the phone and iPad lately, so pretty much that, along with putting a filter on the wifi router itself, makes the whole process of watching another type of extra effort. After paying my first taphsic I kinda got the idea that I'm taking the money thing more seriously so that also helps, I also have been using the fortify program on a more consistent basis, but weirdly I haven't been meditating as much as I usually do. 

Another 2 big changes are the ways I've dealt with urges in the moment.  Surrendering my thoughts, feelings, urges to Hashem, and admitting to him that that which I desire isn't mine, and ask for him to help me get through whatever urge there is at the moment. Helping my brothers on GYE is also something I have taken to a whole other level. I've been responding and posting all over the place, hoping that maybe I can help soj,one else. Interestingly, I've come to realize that it's great for me as well, and I was mechaven to the 12th step of helping others. While I'm on Gye I can be with my thoughts, think them and talk them and write them out explicitly and not react in the way I used to. Instead I just move to the next post, and the next, and then eventually I have felt the urge pass. 

The everyday is a first day motto is really something that keep the anxiety down. The only time and place I can effect and choose to react in is now. And just like on day one, regardless of what happened the day prior, I can still get my head strait, reset refresh, and see where I'm holding, I do the same everyday... This also takes off the stress of the 90 days that I hope to get to.... Every day is my first day, every day is one day. 

TODAY
Wow I got hit like a train!!! I have been feeling withdrawal symptoms lately, chest pain, acid reflux, minor headaches, weird bowel movements, slight cold, runny/stuffed nose... All related to my ibs and stress levels....and when I remind myself that it's because of the struggle, it makes me feel better that I know I am beemes really changing, and really getting better. BUT WOW, TODAY I WAS NOT EXPECTING WHAT HALOENED. I have felt it before, so I am aware of the feeling, but a strong wind of depressiion extremely sadness got me good. Possible triggers include, not enough sleep, stress about yeshiva learning, waking up late, napping on Shabbos, watching a Disney movie that included a lot of woman and singing with my sisters, thoughts about possible shidduchim and girls I have been interested in
I felt really lonely, and just sad... There was a voice telling me to masterbate and definitely to watch porn... Oh how that could have gone so south so fast. To feel a gaping whole with nothing and hoping it will be filled... WHAT A LET DOWN I WOULD HAVE HAD, probably, no definitely would have made me feel much worse. This feeling I haven't dealt with as much since the new medication, but dealing with it... I went through a bunch of fazes. Lying down on my bed, thinking, wrapping myself up in my blanket, looking at mementos of accomplishments in my journey, but most,y just sitting there with the thought. After it stopped raging, it ebbed and flowed throughout the day... Through shiurim, through an ESPN special I watched, through he cheesecake I ate ( it did take a slight break during my family barbecue, connection is always a cure). Even now I still feel some of the residuals of that feeling. I told myself that it was ok to cry, ok to deal with whatever is ahead of me, and I was kind to myself... I was like a caretaker for myself, only wishing the best and taking myself off the edge little by little. I heard a study recently that said that a normal span of thought naturally can come and go, at most most for 90 seconds, it's just us that go,d onto it. It was all this knowledge, and resolve, that I used to let the feelings come and go... And even in some moments felt very proud of myself for how I dealt with saying hey "who says you have to be depressed anymore, that was all this morning but your past that, and you dealt with it like a champ". 

This all gave me the chizuk to redo my taphsic, which ended last nught, and Spending the rest of my day on GYE and fortify as I type now there is a feeling of happiness and growth... Wow how today hit me... And wow how today I HIT BACK, LET IT SLIDE, AND LET IT GO.  

Speaking out my feelings and writing them up, wow, looking at everything I wrote now, it's really freeing... All I have now is now,candy today is day 1, just like tomorrow, so there's no pressure for urges, low level feeling, no fear of ANYTHING. 

TODAY I SHOWED MYSELF HOW MUCH I HAVE GROWN FROM/IN/THROUGH THE PAST COUPLE YEARS, I'm not done with my struggle with this meeda of yesod, like all meedos we need contestant work and constant resolve to get better and continue, even when we, especially when we fall. But at the same time, I am beginning to see SOME KF THE REAL FRUIT OF MY LABOR, AND WOW AM I EXCITED.!!!!!!!

"Feelin good, like I should, when I go and walk around the neighborhood, feeling blessed, by Hashem, got that sunshine on my Shabbos' best." ____ (for all my modox Chev out there, this ones for you)  

Wow, do I feel like a new person. After what was a very difficult day yesterday, I needed a mental break so I watched a documentary for a while on ESPN. It was a healthy way to get my mind off things, I think... But I know I still have to be catutious with things. I began to take devices into my room once again, which I will once again stop, the room is more than just a place of yeechud, it's a safe haven... A place I know I can go with whatever I'm feeling, and take a break... No work no distractions, no internet... Just a guitar a piano and sforim and a bed. It doesn't really make a difference whether or not the device has Internet, the point is to get some detox from the day. I also began to take a tablet into the bathroom, and even though it has no internet access... Not a good habit, so I'm just going to relax when I go on the can, maybe contemplate life, whatever, just don't bring in the device. 
Yesterday was difficult, I had some hidden urges the whole day, and once the night came... I definitely thought about going to watch porn and masterbating... After all, I have been having success so why not just call it a day and next time work on the next next streak. I haven't been making perfect decisions lately, regarding the room bathroom, I also have been more lax with a Disney movie, non Jewish music, and Internet... Even though it's filtered. I think for now I'm still in the zone where I have to be extra cautious. Also not to lie to myself, I'm not going to go on YouTube... And slowly get pleasure from thumbnail or random Google image of a woman and "wonder what happens next". I've been down that road long enough to know that it always ends in porn. There's no tricking myself any,ore... Either I'm guarding my eyes and not watching porn... Or I'm giving myself a few looks here and there to get a high... Which WILL end up me watching porn. I guess it's a gift that I'm not stupid, or choose not to be stupid at least anymore. 

What really got me strait was that every day is the first day approach. As much as the streak helps, each day is individual, another opportunity to restart and refresh... So why give that opportunity up? Just do the moment, and focus on not masterbating or acting out now, we'll see how later goes I guess. 
I also visited fortify, and got a clear siman from Hashem, one of the articles I read was about, "so you had a long streak, but then you think... How long can this really last?"  An exact response to the question j was having, pashut seeyata deshmaya. I then spent time going through GYE forums, some shiurim... One I found by Dõv on 12 steps that I hope to listen to over time, and  some articles.

I also began to have some real happiness with my accomplishment as well. I began to think, wo, I can't believe I'm pretty much 3 weeks sober and it doesn't feel like a raging burden... Who knew that was a thing?
 I also remember a quote my psychologist to,d me "sometimes the only bechira we have is to ask for help" bh over the past couple of years I've been doing just that... Asking for help. I was reading a story on the forum that got me worked up, about a guy with an addiction and anger problem that pretty much destroyed his life, his wife and his kids. It spoke to me a lot... Don't make these mistakes, don't get to that point. One of the main things I have done that he hasn't is rely on other, surrender and get help.  I'm also highly considering opening up to my mom, wondering how I'm gonna do that, I think by now I'm gonna call someone for some extra help... We'll see

It feels really cool that al,it's everything seems to be coming together, the streak is going good, one day at a time, my future is looking bright, and I have a new GYE family that I know will always have my back.. 
Toda Raba to All!!

Ps . I have some questions about sexuality... I have some throw away disgust for it, I wonder if that means anything, gonna explore that to my psychologist... No point in hiding anything... Got to dig as deep as possible to find the gold... I think:)

Great post brother, KUTGW!

Update from pre-Shavuos.....

Last nught I had a crazy headache, it started around 11pm, and through the night, and its effects, although not as harsh, still effect me. The whole day I was pretty much in a daze, I tried to take a nap to let it pass, one which I was in maybe the deepest sleep I had in a long time, slept through an alarm, and woke up 4 hours later. I was pretty much half asleep the rest of the day even though I was awake and functioning. Even as o type this now, a day and a half later, I still feel it a bit. In terms of porn and masterbation, although I think about it, it's not so much of an option anymore. I guess I've turned it into something, that I just don't do. I'm at the point where I learned from too many falls, that it never helps, I never feel good after, and it's just a revolving door that is hard to escape... So why enter? With this philosophy, and with ODAAT, surrender, Gye, and my overall continued efforts for recovery, BH I'm in a good place of recovery. I did a calculation recently and realized that over the past three weeks, between gye, articles, forums, fortify.... I probably spent about 5 hours a day on recovery... Over about 100+ hours. Since my first day of the steak. Though, I would say that my streak really started, even though I had falls since then, about a month plus ago... When I committed to working hard and smart. Rav Eytan said that any work done during the Omercounts as 2 years, so I guess I'm 2 years sober then;) who know? It's not really relevant. The only thing that really is relevant is that i am getting Bette,r and committed to getting better. I still have to keep strong and keep up my Gedarim,can't Gye, and surrendering etc.  

I also recently had a revelation about Torah learning. How, now at this this point, since I ha e been Soor Mayra for this long, maybe it's time for some Asey tov. Maybe after this whole time, my tastebuds are in tune, and I can rea,,y feel the sweetness of learning... Who know? But the people who I look up to and trust tell me it's emes, so it must be there somewhere. For now I'm gonna try to Apple my surrendering, helping others, and lODAAT, for learning also. Hopefully that will take a lot of the pressure off that usually keeps me from it. Let's see. 

Mashal: Why do we have to ask Hashem to make Torah sweet? "Veharev na"'. Isn't it naturally sweet? 
When you drink a nice cup of Tropicana orange juice, it's the best... There's nothing in the competition, they just got it right. But, if you drink a tall glass of orange juice afternoon brushing your teeth... Ewwwwww it tastes gross. But realize, it's not the juice that is gross, rather our tastebuds still have that toothpaste shmutz on it... They are tainted. 
Nimshal: Sane with Torah, when we are involved in shmutz (whether on purpose or not) our tastebuds are off, and we can't taste the sweetness. But it's nit the Torah that is off, rather it's us... Who just aren't on the level to taste the sweetness. So we ask Hashem, Veharev Na, make it sweet for us, help us be in a state where our tastebuds are reall and authentic, so we can be kaylim that can be filled with your beautiful Torah. 
It's a buetfuk thing to have in mind during birchas hatorah, and now that I'm about 3+ weeks clean of sur mayra, maybe now I can learn a bit... And enjoy it!!!