I wanted to start a new thread for a new 90 days. I got on GYE the summer before last. I stopped basically for a year (think was at least 12 months) until the past Elul then slowly have been reverting back to "acting out" somewhat 'normally'. Though I am disappointed, there is a lot to learn and one does gain even if they seem to get back to square one. I want to make a thread that will hopefully incentivize me to stay on track but more specifically let me express myself as I'm not so good at it (but want to be). I'd ask the following if you want to just say good going just press the thumbs up thing. I want to be challenged. I want people to argue with me. I know that sounds weird, but I feel ready to face this in a positive fashion and sort of speak out my excuse machine. Similarly, I'd like to challenge some conceived notions if brought up that I had that I get some of the more elder users of the site referenced in the past that I didn't get but do now. Dov's Shovavim shiur (which I still have to listen to a few - tried this Shovavim to get thru all of them as opposed to last year - not quite) were also eye-opening. I had a few small kabalos which I took for the year. A few (emphasis on few) are highly recommended. The year before was to stop which I basically did so that was good. One for this year is to speak to someone like a Rabbi about the issue (if anyone has learned from Rebbe Nachman - I'm still in one of the early Torahs in Likutei Moharan for years - the English one, still got the 1st volume only), picking up off and on - the last many times I pick it up always about speaking to a Tzadik about one's averas, keeps going, think I know why ;-)), I've got to Tishrei so I haven't yet done that. But hey this is my start.
(I'm going to do a second post as I get intimidated by long posts)

My first idea I'd like to share is a falsehood that I often hear and believe - though it is absolutely wrong. Please argue.
That is - there is no reset button in life.
That is just not true. Every night our neshamas are given to Hashem and bli ayin hara are returned refreshed. There is a concept of teshuva that isn't a backup plan - it's about life itself. The parsha of not the cheit ha'egel but Moshe's response which we just leined on Yom Tov (at home), fast days, and its regular setting is probably the most read portion of the year - in addition, that we mention the 13 middos and selachti kdvarecha throughout the year in davening as one of the most quoted pasuk in Chumash in davening (especially if one says in Nusach Sefard or Sefardi, if Ashkenaz the pasukim of Shiras HaYam and Shema I think would be the only ones ahead). Think about pre-Avraham, if one considers the full creation, generations after generation. The only thing of any detail is mistakes. It is the foundation of the world. First man, mistake. First woman, mistake. Civilization begins - mistake. World is destroyed, started again...mistake. Grows again, all gather - mistake. Hashem doesn't want us to know how he created advanced cells, or why there are dinosaur bones or what's with the billions of billions of universal stars and other stuff. No, the focus is people were created and they started messing up on the very first day! Not little bitty mistakes. Huge terrible prusta averos! And it was not just the 'bad' guys. Avoseinu Ovdei Avodah Zara. That is what the Torah's about! Dealing with the mistakes (yes positive GYE reader they just seem like mistakes) that baked in our very nature and human experience.
So life is always about resetting, starting anew, fixing but not stopping mistakes. And perfection is not what's it about. It used to bother me there are so many mitzvahs and halachas. If a guy one day says hey I'd like to keep the Torah, what's he supposed to do? He can't do it. There is no way he can learn everything today (or even this year - and if one has looked in one area of halacha one sees how long to perfect one's observance would be necessary). He would basically have to just stay very still and for every move consult a Rabbi. It's not possible. Rather, it must be that he needs to try his best, work on learning the Torah, but is not expected to do everything. It's not up to him, Hashem wants him not to follow every halacha. Because if so, then Hashem would make it that boom he could learn everything. But Hashem didn't make that world. Sure there is siyata dshmaya that if one tries, that Hashem will help, but the world is meant to get to full observance not being fully observant. An interesting idea that I heard in the name of R' Eliyashuv Zatzal that a Ger is patur until 13 years after converting and 20 for punishment. That is just as a baby is not liable for doing something wrong until Bar Mitzvah. A Ger who is like a child that was born anew as the halacha states is literally that. This answered a similar problem I had with the opinion against learning Torah with potential converts. How is this possible? Now they'll convert and be making mistakes all day. This answers that. Yes, they will make mistakes but so what, Hashem doesn't say they are like an Old Chachom with a long beard - rather a baby. One who doesn't even know how to speak, or even how to think. If they learn how to crawl today or say the Aleph Bais today, they get a nachas card from Hashem.
So, what's my point? We need to stop getting so over the top with our failings. Yes, I failed. I messed up. I should have could have would have. Stop. I'm resetting. Ok this is a long post, more for another time. Gut Moed and Yontif!

I hope everyone had a nice Yom Tov! 
Still ok, next post wanted to discuss Sundays. Or more specifically Mozei Shabbos to Sunday Lunchtime. That is the hardest time in my opinion.
For this time: hitting rock bottom. (As always, PLEASE ARGUE)
I am not an expert on addiction nor do I necessarily think I have or had an addiction. But a basic is that people usually don't make changes until "they hit rock bottom". This is beyond addiction. If anyone has ever cut back the food or gone on a diet after experiencing something that signaled - you have a weight problem very acutely. Or when you wait and 10 minutes before the latest zman (the b'dieved one), you see a clock and you go 'wow, I have to daven Mincha now!.'
The problem I have found is we really have an issue admitting we are in a bad place, or more to the point - convincing ourselves that despite us B'H not being homeless on the street or in deep trouble of some physical kind (like when the debtors come for the gambling addicts r'l) that we need to change. It's a must. And let me clarify, we want to change and know we have to ... but when you hit rock bottom, you know this is it. There's no way to continue on this path or bad news. That type of clarity is hard to come by in my experience. The biggest issue is we have a unique paradox. We think too highly of ourselves, and we get depressed about how low we are. When we should recognize how low and weak we are, and how great it is what we do considering!
So what do you do? Really consider how unbelievably pathetic you are in a positive way! [Author's Note: you are not actually pathetic but I mean pathetic in the following mashal if a child who just learned to walk a year ago is attempting basketball shots on a regulation-sized hoop, they are bad - horrific, not stam bad, but unable to play. If they start crying, you go what are you doing? You are 2 and 1/2 feet tall. The basket is 10 feet tall. It is absolutely absurd to consider you can make it. The fact once you flung it 6 feet in the air is pretty impressive. So too we need to stop with this notion that we are some huge person who should be making spiritual jump shots with ease - that isn't true and thinking that is well absurd. This is not the same thing as thinking oneself is bad - that happens usually for opposite, you consider yourself a solid roleplayer on the basketball team, yet you haven't made two shots in a row in weeks.]
Let me mention two points. 1. We should consider how great inappropriate material is, and much we truly enjoy it. How it brings us a tremendous dose of whatever that is hard to duplicate. 2. We likely don't have a great alternative at the moment. 
This point came in one of Dov's Shovavim talks and hit me like a very nice, well-designed wall of bricks. He's right. In my words, we have some issues, be it stam stress, inner demons, personal life stuff, and a plane full of baggage. We have a quick resource that supplies a tremendous amount of dopamine and ability to focus on something fantastical. Sure, it is bad, an aveira, ruins this and that, makes us feel yucky and guilty. But that doesn't take away that it is quite enjoyable! Think if you had a meth or heroin addict, and you see they are curled up, disgusting clothes, haven't showered in weeks, live in the street, might have not eaten normally for days, obviously very unhealthy. Now you expert, what's the diagnosis? Should you say this stuff is bad. THEY KNOW THAT! What do you not know - HOW AMAZING IT MUST BE! Why else (even if they have issues) would someone who has seen these results get involved? It must be quite good. 
The second point do we really have such power in our learning, our tefilla, or playing with our kids, shmoozing with our spouse. Does opening the siddur really give the rush of a Google Search. No, it likely does not.
So what's the point? If we really eternalize our situation, we can see wow we need help! And two, we are on the bottom, so when we start crawling out of it, we don't have this hanging expectation of the child who thinks they can score 3 pointers like their favorite player. We recognize we need a child hoop, a good coach, and some time to get to the level we need. That doesn't take away from what we do, but it puts it in perspective and if done healthily helps us appreciate real, slow and steady progress.

Nuu? R u alive? What’s up buddy how u been?

BH, all's good YeshivaGuy. :-)