hard to write, was on wall o.h. over 250 days clean; now zero
shattering that couldn't say no
fell previously in shovavim 
yh'r strong then?

Ely, you're definetely not zero.
Your 250 days are kept in shomayim and even if you're re-starting, you are definetely more prepared than before.
I also had long streaks (1 year +) and now I'm only 7 days in. And after all, even if you're over 1000 days clean, it's always about today. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, but today.
Also, you're showing enormous courage, coming here, and admitting you've fallen. Pick yourself up again, and understand that each day clean is a celebration in shomayim!
The YH will always be strong. Don't beat yourself up over it. Also, try to look at the fall at a more positive note. It's easy to stay clean and then stabilize our avoda. Hashem loves your avoda so much that he wanted you to fall, so you could rise even higher now.
Keep your head above the water!

Hi Rav Snowflake
I appreciated your words of comfort and support
I thought I was over it especially given my age which I am too embarrassed to divulge
If I have to give din and cheshbon up there soon I rather have 263 days than 3
kol tuv
thanks
ely

Hey Ely,

Haha halevai to be a Rav, I don't have smicha, but thanks!
Don't worry about the age too. I've been here for a while and have seen people from all ages and backgrounds. I myself am not so young anymore too. Unfortunately or fortunately ours is a chronic struggle. In fact, GYE has taught me to see it as fortunately. We are "zoche" to have this struggle. If Ribono shel Olam gave us this task, it's because he chose us. Perhaps others wouldn't make it. They'd be forever trapped in it. Think about it. It may be even our mission down here. Think too about how happy He is that we're trying our best and actually suceeding. Look at you, 250 days+ is no small feat.
Again, think not about the numbers, but do think about what led you to the fall, how can you improve, etc. And most of all, keep coming here. The chizuk, tips and motivation is invaluable.
Finally, depression is just a trick of the YH. All it does is lead us to more falls. It's eitzas a YH that you should be depressed if you fall. There's zero gain on it. If C"V you fall, just pick yourself up like nothing happened, and try again with redoubled effort.
We are here for you.

Ely wrote on 17 Feb 2020 13:46:

Our dear brother ely we have all fallen even after a significant time of being clean. I have posted this before but it bears repeating. The possuk says Sheva yipol tzadik v'kom - a tzadik falls seven times and falls and gets up again again and again. Rav tzadok asks why is the guy called a tzadik after he falls-atr you a tzadik after you fall? Rav tzadok answers yes because he knows he will get up again and again. So Tzadik, pick yourself up go to the mikvah or take a good shower speak to Hashem your father about what happened say tikun haklali in hebrew and in english so that it gets into your heart and soul and then pick yourself up and totally forget that this ever happened and move on. Keep strong our dear brother!

Ely wrote on 17 Feb 2020 13:46:

Hi Ely
First of all it's good for you to know that you are not alone and we are all feeling along with you in your difficult challenging situation.

I wanted to share with you how the SMART program deals with falls which they call "Relapse".
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Along the way to permanent cessation or stable reduction of a bad habit, most people experience relapse.

In fact, it is much more common to have at least one relapse than not. Relapse is often accompanied by feelings of discouragement and seeing oneself as a failure. While relapse can be discouraging, the majority of people who successfully quit do not follow a straight path to a lifetime free of self-destructive bad habits. Rather, they cycle through the five stages several times before achieving a stable life style change.

Consequently, the Stages of Change Model considers relapse normal.
There is a real risk that people who relapse will experience an immediate sense of failure that can seriously undermine their self-confidence. The important thing is that if they do slip and see themselves as having failed. Rather, they should analyze how the slip happened and use it as an opportunity to learn how to cope differently.
In fact, relapses can be important opportunities for learning and becoming stronger.
Relapsing is like falling off a horse- the best thing someone can do is get right back on again. However, if they do “fall off the horse” and relapse, it is important to not fall back to the pre-contemplation or contemplation stages. Rather, restart the process again at preparation, action or even the maintenance stages. People who have relapsed may need to learn to anticipate high-risk situations (such as being with their family) more effectively, control environmental cues that tempt them to engage in their bad habits (such as being around drinking buddies), and learn how to handle unexpected episodes of stress without returning to the bad habit. This gives them a stronger sense of self-control and the ability to get back on track.

Think of relapse as a stepping stone. Instead of viewing your slip as a step backward, think of it as a progression on your road to recovery. Many people lapse or relapse, and if you think of each attempt at sobriety as a means of getting closer to your end goal — a lesson in your cumulative recovery learning, so to speak — this setback won’t be in vain.

Look on the bright side. A slip may feel like the end of the world, but really, it’s an opportunity for growth and reinforcing basic life skills that need more work. Many people emerge from relapse with a fresh scare regarding what they are up against, as well as a deeper commitment to becoming sober. This renewed motivation can help you come back from a relapse even stronger than you were before.

bli neder i'll write soon
i appreciate very much your words and your interest in showing me direction
ely 

I too fell around 250 days.
It feels crazy, because that is a logn clean streak and you feel you have conquered the urge, then suddenly you have nto comquered it.

But know that 250 days is a major victory.
Know that there would be a reason or many reasons for your fall, so find out what it is, then be prepared if it happens in future.

You have already shown great achievement, so be proud of seven days clean, and keep taking it day by day.

The Da'as Zekeinim in Mishpotim writes regarding the mitzva of giving the "treifa ba'sadeh" to the dog, that it is a reward for the dog guarding the sheep from the wolves. He therefore asks - obviously if there is a treifa ba'sadeh, the dog failed this time. Now we reward him?! He answers YES. Now we realize what he has done for us day in day out for a long time. Now we celebrate that and reward him.  In our inyan, if someone "falls" after 250 days or in truth after any amount of "clean" time which is longer than previously accomplished, it is time to celebrate. It is time to realize that something incredible was accomplished. Something you previously thought impossible. Reward yourself. Of course take stock of the situation, figure out what was behind this episode, and repair it for the future, but take a deep breath and enjoy the view from the 250 day climbers' view as you bandage your boo boo. You are still up there - you didn't roll down the mountain. And when you enjoy your reward, whatever it may be that you choose, look up to shomayim and realize Hashem is celebrating with you.