Someone once told me an alluded explanation of the passuk "Rabos machshavos blev ish vatzas Hashem hi sakum' (Many are the thoughts of man but the thoughts/advice of Hashem will endure) that you can translate the word 'sakum' as 'get up'! The passuk thus reads 'Many are the thoughts of man, but the advice of Hashem is: get up!
I started the 90 day chart 9 days ago. It has been the first time I've gone a week without pornography. The chizuk, mentors and other tools on GYE really helped to get through my first week without it.
Unfortunately last night I slipped up. I felt like I was really craving. I lied to my wife. I told her I wanted to set something up for her on her ipad. She put in the password, I set it to not lock and when she went to bed I fell.
As soon as I woke up I updated my chart. Immediately GYE gave me form to fill out, giving the opportunity to introspect on my mistakes. I think what played a big part of my fall is unhealthy living. By not exercising, eating healthy and keeping my mind healthy with positive thoughts I just felt like I needed to indulge and escape. I felt like I really needed it and was even willing to lie to my wife to get it.
I want to try again. GYE has helped me to not let guilt and despair get the better of me, but rather to try again. I feel motivated. Who knows, due to this fall it may be that I become a happier and healthier person (in order to avoid another fall) than I ever was, and therefore a much better version of my self.
The Tanya explains the maimre of Chazal that when does tshuva from yira his zedonos become like shagagos, however if he does tshuva from ahava they become like zechius: If one does tshuva from yira, presumable what this means is that he regrets what he has done, fears the consequences and resolves not to do it again. Therefore Hashem, in His kindness, looks at his zedonos like shegagaos and doesn't hold him as accountable.
However if one does tshuva from avaha it means that he realizes that his sins have distanced him from Hashem and wants to be close to Him again. In other words, his sins are what generated a desire to close to Hashem and it is on their account that he will strive to be closer to Hashem. Therefore his zedonos become zechuis because they helped him become closer to Hashem (in the bigger picture at least).
Hashem should help us all with our nisyonos.
