Hi All



Another quick update; day 121 and still clean tG.



No good news on the home front unfortunately, which is a big and continued source of anxiety for me. It seems to me that it is probably inevitable that the divorce will happen as ultimately that's something my wife can pursue unilaterally and she clearly wants to do that. It's a bitter pill to swallow and I'm really struggling with it. Oftentimes the anxiety and fear of that happening, combined with the sense of failing my children and the struggles that they will inevitably go through as a result of this lead me to a place of despondency and trigger lust urges raging from mild to severe. Right now my approach to the situation is to remain with hope no matter how slim it is. However I need to also brae myself for the reality that my marriage is likely over as I really don't want to set myself up for a huge fall should that prove the case.

I hope you are all well.

Keep strong tzaddik. We are all rooting for you. May Hashem shower you with heaping doses of syatta d'shmaya.

I know this must be a tremendous challenge for you, and I daven Hashem should give you chizzuk and strength!

I also just ask that you also please look at your amazing success in how many days you are currently clean and take serious pride in your achievement. Please don't let your situation drown out that serious accomplishment. It is no doubt tough, but you still have to appreciate much of a mountain you just climbed. 

Davening for you!

Thanks REM, I really appreciate it. And yes, I am proud of what I have achieved. Not least of all as it means that I am currently (mostly) making decisions from a healthier place.

Have a great Shabbos everyone. Signing off here now.

Hi All

day 129 and still clean here. It doesn't appear to be getting any easier though which is frustrating. This morning I woke up alone and once again the reality of my situation came crashing down on me. I am still so attached to my marriage despite the fact that there appears to be no hope for it. Ironically my natural reaction to the situation is an urge to act out. I really couldn't be bothered getting out of bed and going to work, but I forced myself up and here I am at work (not actually working yet, but baby steps right?)

 A lot of people when they have challenges and I tell them the following they do NOT appreciate it. So I apologize if it isn't what you want to hear...

Hashem sometimes gives us very difficult challenges, but only give us challenges we can handle. I find this so helpful. It doesn't make the challenge drastically easier or less painful, but it allows us to accept it and make sure we address it. When things are tough in my life I can accept that it's ''okay'' to have painful or difficult days and that it is what Hashem wants right now. Sometimes I even go so bold and to say that Hashem loves me and gave me a special challenge just for me! With this in mind, I am able to accept that it is hard and I won't go into "disaster mode" - which is just a way to give myself a license to do bad behavior. 

I know you have a very very tough and painful situation, and I can only imagine how painful it is for you. I think about and daven for you! Please just remember that Hashem loves you and that you have the kochos to continue to stay clean - and that itself may be your yeshua. 

Hi All

I know I haven't posted in several days. TG still clean here; there continue to be times where acting out, or just giving in to the temptation to at least enjoy fantasising about it, seems to be unbearable. But it turns out that it is not unbearable, just really difficult. I continue to be in a limbo state, which is really difficult to bear. I have been pretty busy at work, which occasionally helps take my mind off of it.

Not much else to say right now, just felt like giving a brief update.

I appreciate your words of encouragement.

It is a real inspiration for all of us to follow your story. You are machayev all of us to stay clean. "If he can do it, what's our excuse not too?" I have found during phone conversations that there are many guys who go on the site and read the posts, but never post themselves. This means that when you post, there are a lot more people being affected by your words than we realize. Keep up the amazing work, and may Hashem shower you with loads of brocho.

Check out marriage fitness it just might save your marriage

Hey Pickamoniker,

You are one of the first people on GYE I think of when I come online. I come to get inspiration to see how everything is going. Please stay strong for Hashem, us, and yourself! Because even if you want to give up, we still need you and Hashem definitely hasn't given up!

Thinking of you...

Hang in there, Pickamoniker. We're rooting for you!

Hi All

Really quick update - I am pretty busy at work, but I feel like I haven't written here in a while.

Still clean - I had a real lose shave last week when I pretty much decided to give up in the middle of the night, but as my phone is filtered left it until the next day to actually act out but then in the morning thought better of it. I'm really glad that I didn't act out in the en, but it is pretty scary that I could give up like that. It was brought on by me giving up hope for my marriage and therefore feeling like there was no reason to stay sober. That combined with the loneliness, tiredness and the fact that I could not sleep.

I don't want to dwell on it too much, but ultimately I know that my abstinence and motivation are tied very closely with my marriage. If an when that comes to an end it will mean I have a lot of thinking to do about what is important to me and where I actually want to go in life. Meanwhile I don't think it's healthy for me to give too much focus to that possibility (despite it being the overwhelmingly most likely outcome).

All the best to you all and I am really boosted by watching so many people's streak numbers continuing upward. Thank you all so much for everything.

Wow , besides from being inspired by your incredible Gevurah , you remind us all how important filters are.

i-man wrote on 27 Jan 2020 19:37:

Amen.

Yosef also had a close call and he is known as Yosef Hatzadik...