ייאוש-שלא מדעת...
Keep on fighting. Defeat is not an option.

We are all rooting for you.

Hey guys, sorry for reviving my old thread. I hope I don't bore anyone here. Like "what's up with this guy, he falls, gets up, is he gonna make up his mind or what"? Lol in fact, I really had thrown in the towel. I was being skeptical of shidduch and I'm ashamed to say I tried to hook up with secular jewish girls, but being clean is about being honest. B"H nothing came out of that. It started from a few issues I had with yiddishkeit. I'm still frum, but a tad more modern. I believe in going to college and studying secular sciences. I'm also very dedicated to my job. But at the same time, I'm very serious about my beliefs. I don't eat cholov stam, still retain some chassidic traditions, etc. Having had a failed marriage I also thought I should "test-drive" before marrying, so as to avoid further problems. Also I thought I needed a less religious girl, that would, supposedly, value my work more. Therefore I let myself run free with the shmutz, since I was thinking about abandoning shomer negiah altogether.
Thank G-d I seem to have come back from my senses. Really, I don't know what happened.
It's much better for me to find a frum girl which is a bit more modern, than a modern girl that is a bit more frum.
These weeks, although I was steeped into shmutz, I B"H came to great realizations: I could not bear marry a girl which would be mehallel shabbos C"V, not eat kosher C"V and that would not go to the mikvah C"V. That's just crazy. So btw, I've finally given the get to my old wife, that was about two weeks ago and I actually feel positive about shidduchim.
Shidduch makes much more sense than secular dating. Judaism shoves two strangers into a room and lock the door and tell them "get along and love each other". Goyish world says, if you don't like her, it's ok, just leave. And the fact is, if we were to think too much, we'd never marry. Everyone has terrible flaws (including ourselveS). But by being serious from the start, locking the door (i.e. it's not so easy to just divorce) it's much more likely to work out, and each other try and make it work out. In fact Torah says "vayivieah Itzchak aohela vayehaveha" Itzchak first married Rivka (brought her to the tent), then loved her.
Anyway I know this all doesn't have much to do with being clean, but for me it had, so I thought about sharing.
Things are much easier when your mind is clear and set on a goal.
I made a plan of studying shaarei Kedusha from the gaon R' Elyahu de Vidas. I know it talks a lot about being shomer habris, and the advantages of it. I think, learning to value kedusha more could be good for me.
Other than that, I re-installed the filter in the phone and again trying not to bring it to the bathroom with me.
So it's 2 days clean now and feeling better already B"H...

Snowflake , you're a real role model for me. I can't imagine how I would hold up with all the challenges you're going thru. Only Hashem knows the truth how much you're suffering and you're still trying to be the best you can be and do his will.

Keep it up and keep inspiring all of us!

Dear SnowFlake, all I can say is that I admire you immensely.
I’m not able to write more right now, but just know that I really admire you.
May HaShem continue guiding you through this journey of yours

Thanks guys! B"H day #3 clean.
Every post here means a lot to me.
It's funny when you really change your mindset, the urges diminish quite a bit.
But I know they'll be back in no time, so I ought to be prepared.
I'm trying real hard not to fantasize or look at a woman as much as possible.
I know that the smallest look or fantasizing will grow and fester.
Being optimistic about shidduchim is really helping me. I have a meeting set up with a rov tomorrow. Also I like to think I have to be ready for my future wife. I can't expect to be steeped into shmutz, marry and hope things will solve themselves automatically. I'd really want to get married a second time and at least have this issue under control. 
Finally I'm also thinking about Shavuos, and how this is an auspicious time to review my seder (which currently is very weak).

Hey guys B"H day #4 and #5 clean.

Not much to say, B"H trying not to think about shtus and focusing on more kedusha in general (i.e. studying more Torah).
Not dwelling on the past is helping me a lot. Also when the kids leave I try not to take it to the heart. I must always remember it's not "farewell", only "goodbye, till next week". No need to get too emotional.
The meeting with the shadchan was pretty interesting yesterday.
One the one hand he threw me the cold water bucket (is there such an expression in english?). I'm 29, almost 30, with two kids on the side. I'm not exactly a "most preferred match" for most women. On the other hand, I have B"H a very good parnossoh, am a decent guy yada yada and it's kinda of a men's market here in Brazil. Meaning, there are more single women out there looking for shidduchim than men. He reassured me we don't really need to look for divorcees with the kids on the side, but also don't expect a perfect 21 yr old. We're aiming towards the 25 yrs old with some kind of "downside" (not for me, but for the general community out there). I.e. the father's a goy, she's BT (I'm BT myself so what), gyores, etc.
The community here is very picky, meaning, they reject very good matches for unjustified reasons, which is good for me I guess lol.
Anyway, again, focusing on the future is my thing now. Dwelling on the past, makes me hella sad, which in turn is a trigger.
Bez"H I should get married to my REAL bashert soon.
Thank you all and hope to keep up...
On a final note, R'Grants challenge is really helping too. An intrusive thought came up last night and I was like hold on, are you really gonna spend 800 USD? (Again, that's what it feels like to us in Brazil, since the USD is more than 5 BRL).
A gut und heilige und noki Shabbes for our fellow brothers.

B"H Day #6 Motzaei Shabbos Clean...
Other than my 5 yr old son almost giving me a heart attack from falling over the top layer of the 10 ft book shelf, everything's a-okay. B"H just a scare lol, I thought he had broken a rib or something C"V. G-d bless the carpet floor here lol, probably softened his landing. 1 sec I went to the bathroom for a quick stop, boom.
"But tate I really like climbing... LOL"
A gut woch...
The sefira ends, but B"H the counting continues...

B"H day #9 clean.
Had a friend come over for Shavuos and that was great.
We talked a lot, studied and he gave me plenty of good advice.
Not much to say, B"H no big urges so far.
Just super anxious about shidduchim, because I might be up for a date soon.
Not sure it's appropriate for a now single guy to study hilchos nida, but that's what I'm studying right now. Maybe it's a segula for marriage lol. I want to up my level of shmira in that area in my future marriage. So I figured I could start reviewing the halochos right now.

Snowflake wrote on 16 May 2021 00:07:

It must run in the family!

Not sure where does he get these ideas from 

B"H day #11 clean.
So far so good.
Had a dream, where I was acting out and ended up seeing keri. B"H it was just a dream nightmare.

B"H day #12 clean.
Had another one of those dreams nightmares. But B"H I managed to somehow resist and wake up before seeing keri. Mamash a miracle I guess.
So far smooth sailing... I'm just still very anxious about shidduchim. Why do girls take so long to simply answer if they wanna go out or not? Yeah I know, there's the research thing... but the wait is unbearable lol
My shadchan probably hates me already, I'm always bugging him.
Have a clean Shabbes everyone!

Snowflake wrote on 21 May 2021 13:10:

This is the million dollar question

Snowflake wrote on 21 May 2021 13:10:

I heard a nice vort. When it comes to shidduchim there are 3 important ingredients: 
  אבג = אמונה בטחון געדולד

DavidT wrote on 21 May 2021 13:23:

ג=געלט   

B"H Day #13 clean
A gut woch! Loving the shmoozing atmosphere in the thread lol.

I was a bit scared of spending Shabbes completely on my own (kids are at their mom's), but I went to shul last night and today, which really helped. Corona is in its 3rd wave here, but the shul I go to has very good precautions set up.
My father also came by in the afternoon, which really helped relieve my solitude.
Fortunately, no major urges, so still on the boat.
I have a shidduch date set up B"H, and that perhaps is driving me crazy. B"H not on the lust part, just plain anxious. I need to calm down or I'll look desperate in the date lol.
Really need to take the Guimel (Geduld), to the heart.