Sorry for the fall

You can try the book "Living emunah", it helped me a lot.
And a daily work on all the little events of our life, too.

Also, install quickly a stronger filter on your phone, before your phone replace your computer as a new flaw....

Hello everybody, haven't posted here in some time.


Unfortunately just now I had possibly my worst relapse in a long time after 6 days clean (spoilered).
Anyway, it was terrible and I feel nauseous thinking about it



Honestly this is one of my biggest lacks. So many of my relationships especially with other Jews and rabbi are way too superficial and I feel completely alone. I don't know how to change this situation even though so many people these days are literally dying for a good conversation. Maybe I should expand my horizons or what not and I can't say I have really put much exertion into that beyond what is comfortable.


Yes thank you you're right about that. I made some excellent progress in all sorts of things during my first streak and haven't been really getting out of my comfort zone in any ways besides working harder academically. There are so many people with these issues all sort of avoiding one another and all seeking help and I'd prefer to be part of the solution rather than being one of the depressed masses.



Well, I did install a filter on my phone that is pretty good and haven't had any issue since. Used the "Manage SPIN" which does the job and isn't too pricey. I'll check out that book, thanks for the recommendation.

Honestly the good news is that I am sort of much more able to describe my issues now, why I act out etc. It's basically stress*access*habit = acting out. Earlier I didn't have much stress or a habit so I could afford access. But right now I have high stress and unfortunately a bit of a habit, so I need no access whatsoever. Besides that, I need to work on appreciating strenuous and uncomfortable stuff and being more of a man. This seems like an awful lot on the plate but I'll putz my way through it without pornography.

Also, I am going to really read the handbook and post here more often since neglecting this didn't work out too well for me.

Also try this book: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. It's very helpful.

Thanks for the recommendation I'll look, also have been through the GYE handbook.
Been clean for the past couple days BH. I had the same decision that I had last week (schlepping after Shabbos to put away my computer) but I did it this time (well, I'm about to put it away). Coming home from a trip seems to either be a plus or a minus for this sort of thing. Unfortunately my roommate is gone now but I'll have no access.

I fell today, I had my computer in my house and was going to put it away in just an hour, was stopping by. But my roommate was out for a few. And this is what my Yeyzer Hara has been telling me for some time:
But I don't know what to answer and the only times I am successful are when I don't think too much and just do my work and keep my head down. I spent a goodly amount of today learning Torah, and that just made this worse. Which is probably why I usually fall after Shabbos.

On a practical level, there will henceforth be no more taking my computer into my house for any period of time whatsoever. I will count putting myself into a situation in which I'll easily relapse as a fall, even if I do not actually do it.
(On a side note, the auto save feature seems to work imperfectly at the moment)

Hey Greenland55! (Are you secretly also trying to buy Greenland?)

You are one courageous fellow!!! You clearly care a lot about doing the right thing and getting back up and it is very commendable! 

I am currently on Day 2 clean, but only last year I had a 250+ day streak!! See I found that I was so motivated to stay clean forever, but once I fell and I saw that I wasn't "cured" it became harder to keep up longer streaks then I became less motivated. It's hard to stay clean when it may only last a week or month..."Will I ever be clean?," "What is the point anyway?," and "Who am I fooling?" have become the types of thoughts that run through my brain. 

...BUT obviously I have a deep burning desire to do better than that. I desire to have a life that is productive and bears fruits, which means no wasting precious time on this earth with escaping to watch porn or sinning by wasting seed. HOWEVER, Hashem created us with certain desires (everyone in different ways) and I know he wants me to work on overcoming this. I know that this is my challenge in life and how I will get my share in the next world (among other areas I need improvement on...). 

WITH that being said, I applaud you for you incredible streak prior to this. It was an incredible achievement and as you mentioned it has given you certain tools and brought you to a higher level that will NEVER be lost. (#MuscleMemory)

I personally have tried to focus (thanks to the help from GYE members) on stopping watching inappropriate things, which I have been much more successful at in the past few months (my streak is mzl, but I havn't watched porn in longer than that). I HIGHLY recommend spending the few $'s to get a solid filter. If I offered you a couple more hours of your life a week for a few $'s, it would be a no brainer. Yes, your computer/phone may be a drop slower, but you will be happier and more productive person and it would be worth it.  

So I wish you much hatzlacha in your journey to continue climbing this mountain! After a relapse is a time to refocus on why you are doing this and decide what you are willing to sacrifice for it. GYE is a great resource and having a strong support system of friends and mentors are really helpful, but focus on short term successes and pulling out of the mud. Then it get's easier to climb. 

Sorry for the ramble, but I wanted to share my experience.

Keep inspiring us!

It's so painful to read about your falls and we all at GYE feel the pain together as a family.

I wanted to share what's working for me at this time which I'm 19 days clean.
​1- I got incredible chizuk and understanding from this https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/ , do yourself a favor and listen to it...
2- TALKING to someone (not just online chatting and posting) , even on the phone (without disclosing your ID)  is an amazing cure for bringing lust of of the shadows. There are many people that are willing and able to have you as an accountability partner, go for it! 
3- Pray for others that are in the same situation like you. כל המבקש רחמים על חבירו והוא צריך לאותו דבר הוא נענה תחילה‎

 Thank you two for your really helpful comments (I'm going to reply after this). I really wish I had read them earlier. I hadn't even updated my chart since my last fall (had a streak of a week). Thought if I ignored it it would go away. Well, I just had a fall, and it was not a slip. It was a, fill up the tank, start up the crane, take off the safety harness and climb over the rail type of fall. Not going to go into detail but it was also awful.  NEVER AGAIN.

I was very stressed out, exams next week and I don't know where to begin with my work. And then I had the mental relapse while in class and could hardly focus on anything.

It's an issue of emmunah for me I guess. I couldn't really say why what I was doing is wrong. Do I believe that Hashem and the Torah are real?  No faith or trust that doing what is right would help me. I didn't even feel bad about what I had done for some time.


My spiritual high from the summer has worn off and all I see are the inconveniences. I had all of these reasons to believe in Hashem that I stopped even questioning. Now I've forgotten why I took the burden of the Torah. I daven because if I don't I'll interrupt a good streak I have going. I keep Shabbos because the idea of flipping switches then feels wrong. But I have no idea why I started doing those things. My habits from this summer have been broken and I need new motivation.

BLAH BLAH:
Basically I need to believe in Hashem and learn more, and I need to stop ignoring my problem until I fall to it. This has to be an active pursuit and not passive. I will restart my 3x week posting here. Even if it's just to say "picked my nose a lot today, but didn't look at schmutz".

Thank you very much for that post and the kind words Mr Mogul (yes we may have similar views on that great island).
You are right, I do voluntarily watch plenty of stuff that primes up my head to watch schmutz. There's no fence around it for me which is very bad.
I have put on a filter on my phone that has completely stopped that device being a problem for me but my laptop is tricker since I do some technical stuff with it and run linux on it. But I have just found something that's only a few bucks a month and seems to work well (pluckeye) which'll help G-d willing.

Thank you for the advice David. I'll do all of those things you've mentioned since it's about time I changed something in my life. Particularly praying for and helping my peers directly. Honestly I've never spoken verbally with anybody about this stuff, but obviously my comfort zone isn't the safest place in the world.

greenland55 wrote on 11 Dec 2019 03:59:

Linux?! You're my "terminal"ly best friend.
Have you delved in to the power of iptables? It's built in, go ahead and drop those packets.

So the problem is is that I have root access, and what I put up can be just as easily dismantled. That said, I did put in an OpenDNS server for my home wifi networks. I also had a /etc/hosts file (which was basically a huge list of pornographic websites) and a crontab
The only thing that can do better than this is by accountability and there is nothing good out there for linux (pluckeye doesn't work)
I am thinking of writing a fairly simple program:
Copies a blocing /etc/hosts file to the computer
Installs a crontab that checks if it's been changed at all
If it detects, it'll email the partner and reinstall

Could be useful anyway

greenland55 wrote on 11 Dec 2019 03:45:

Greenland, thanks for this post.  It was very honest and refreshing.  From what I'm reading, you are just not "feeling it" now.  You feel like you are in isolation.  Are there any good jewish organization that you can join/volunteer for?  You will feel good about yourself once you feel that you are part of something bigger.  Also, from what I'm reading, you have become a Baal Teshuva fairly recent. I would imagine there was some kind of mentor or Rabbi that helped you through this process.  Can you talk with that person to discuss your emunah questions? I think once you deal with some of the "other stuff" it will be alot easier to tackle the lust issue. 

Try cleanbrowsing.org DNS instead of OpenDNS. It is much more effective by default and supports IPv6 as well as DoH and DNS over TLS.

Using host file is a cumbersome option. It slows down the computer. However if you're going that route, check out energized protection (energized.pro) it collects lists to allow easier host blocking.

If you have root access, you can disable any option in place. You need to either get rid of root access by having someone else change the root password, or strengthen the filter in your brain to not bypass a restriction in place.

Hatzlocha

greenland55 wrote on 11 Dec 2019 04:01:

Please do yourself a favor and get connected with someone here. I would suggest reaching out to "Hashem Help Me" https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/profile/my-profile/userid-15301  he helped me a lot (on the phone and text) and he is willing to help you too... 

Wishing you great Hatzlacha!