ben sorer wrote on 24 Oct 2019 03:17:
Today is day 92 since my last fall. For the first time ever I reached the top. Yay. Yay.Hone I should feel amazing but there is something very anticlimactic about the way I feel now. I'm not sure about you guys, but for me the 90 day challenge was about "creating new neural pathways" bla bla bla, changing myself into a new person. One that didn't want to act out all the time. Now that I'm here I realize that I had unrealistic expectations. I feel like I am standing on thin ice. It seems like I can slip and go back to day one in a heartbeat. Instead of feeling confident and proud of my achievement, I feel emptiness and dread at falling back to the bad patterns I've been in my entire life. Please share any thoughts. I feel very alone in my struggle as my dear wife is clueless to all of this. Peace out.
Congrats on the 90 days!! May you celebrate many more milestones, one day at a time.
Firstly, for many people here, if not most people here, 90 days is merely a jump start to a life of recovery. It's virtually impossible to rewire one's brain from years of acting out in just 90 days. But it's a great boost in the right direction and now that you've come this far the withdrawal and urges should start to get somewhat easier, however you may still experience severe withdrawals and cravings for another few months. In any case, keep coming back here, share your feelings and continue to be open and honest with people that share your struggle.
Secondly, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you can slip and fall back at any moment. At best, it will motivate you to stay proactive and at worse it's just a fear in your head and as long as you don't act out it's really nothing more than your crazy brain messing with your logical mind. Tell yourself that these thoughts will continue to creep in and just pretend as if you're watching someone else going through it - notice that this is whats happening to you right now and that's all. Tell yourself that nothing has really happened or changed - you're still the same clean person that hasn't fallen in a long while and having these thoughts doesn't change that reality. The goal is to live without an obsession and without a lingering craving. Urges will continue to come your entire life but if you've worked on yourself and stay connected to people in recovery you will be able to immediately share it with them and/or pray for the other person and/or surrender it to Hashem and then move on with your life as if nothing ever happened. And as the years move on and you stay away from triggers, these moments will become less and less.
Lastly, another helpful tool is to help others that are struggling in any way that you can. This struggle is all about taking and satisfying our own desires so the antidote is giving to others. Give over to a "newcomer" or someone that is still falling, whatever you've learned so far and even just lending a sympathetic ear to someone in need is helpful in staying clean long term.
Hatzlacha!
G4L
