Doitforhashem wrote on 24 Nov 2020 05:17:

That's a tough situation. But what has worked for many is to say a few kapitlech tehillim for those girls. Hashem should give them an easy day, find the right shiduch, pay their bills, feel well, etc. By doing so you remind yourself that they are people, not objects or toys of fantasy. They are someone's wife, daughter, sister, friend. They are off limits to you completely. By davening for them we de-objectify them which kills the taiva immensely.

In general by simchos, plan in advance. Figure out the safest time to arrive and after the initial mazel tovs, "park" yourself with the guys. This is very applicable by chasunos too. Although they may serve better food by the ladies' smorgasbord, do yourself a favor and stay by the men. After the chupa, daven mincha or maariv in the chupa room, giving a chance for all the mingling to settle down as people head to the meal. Etc. etc. etc. If one fails to plan, he plans to fail....

Doitforhashem wrote on 24 Nov 2020 05:17:

Welcome back! I read through your thread and its clear that you are highly motivated. Awesome! Let's do this together.

Now, about the vort of course you have raging testosterone! You are a healthy male, and we all know tight clothing doesn't leave much need for imagination. Its like saran wrap on a piece of fruit. Don't worry about that. There's nothing we can do about natural (healthy) attraction.

What can we do? We can understand and internalize that these feelings are just thoughts. They need not be acted upon nor dwelled upon. They CAN be ignored. Yes, it feels like a need and a necessity sometimes, we even feel like we will physically bust if we don't get some! But. It's all in our head. It's simply a misunderstanding.

When I understood this for the first time it was (and still is ) immensely liberating. Instead of literally being in emotional and physical pain and obsessively obsessing (yes that's obsessing to the second power, at least) over it, I realized that I can move on with my life and not concern myself with it.

Does that mean I don't have the desire? I don't want it badly? Of course not! I still have the same taste for it, the difference is in my reaction to the feeling. Now it's not a "need" it's just something that I want and I can calmly tell myself that for many reasons I won't be indulging.This has literally been a game changer for me.

In addition I try to be careful by simchas. Its very difficult because everyone is dressed to kill, so for my own sanity and happiness I try to watch my eyes. Do I have the desire to indulge? Heck yeah! But I know it's a short lived pleasure with much longer lasting negative consequences. If that means I won't go into the hall by the badeken, so be it. I try to be on my phone or shmuz with someone by the chuppa etc. Again, is it frumkeit because I "don't look at women"? Maybe, maybe not, but what I know is that regardless of religion (regarding the looking) if I don't look I will be much happier and calmer for a much longer amount of time than the fleeting pleasure of checking out the other side.

Again, great to have you back! Please stick around!

                                 Grant

Hellooooooooo! Can you heaaaaaaaarrrrr meeee?!? Where have you disappeared to yet again?!?

Hey, I’m back in here. I’m so sorry. I have t looked at forums in a while. I appreciate so much that you answered me and wrote that out. It was not for nothing. I appreciate that response very much. Gonna try to be more active here now. I know it’s been a bit. Question while I’m here, do you happen to know if there’s a specific pace you’re supposed to do the f2f program at ? For example, I just completed the unit where I’m supposed to track my urges for the next seven days, so should I not continue on to the next unit till 7 days are up or should I continue regardless?

Welcome back! I personally think it’s better to do a week at a time like work the this week on urges and next week comes the next project to work on … like sometimes if u do something to fast it goes out as fast as it came in. Again this is my personal opinion. Good luck! Keep us posted on what you decided to do and how you like the program and your progress… hatzlachah rabbah!!

Grant400 wrote on 04 Dec 2020 16:39:

Look who’s talking! I never knew you but I just read some of your post you sound like a geshmakah guy! Please can you come back to this forum and give us the inspiration you used to?!?! PLEASE!!

I’m gonna have to agree. You sound like an absolute legend. Come back!!!

Thank you so much for this. I’m gonna see what some other people say and make a decision. I appreciate the idea.

Doitforhashem wrote on 06 Feb 2023 03:57:

Your very welcome!
btw regarding your username “do it for H’ “ it’s nice but don’t forget your really doing it for yourself. Life as a clean holy Jew is something that can’t be put down in words it has to be felt. You’ll get there bro bhy! And than you’ll switch your username to I did it for myself! 

I’m just gonna change it now. Lol. I’ve received way too many comments on it and I didn’t put that much thought into it when I created it. 

Done.

doitformyself wrote on 06 Feb 2023 04:06:

Wow your so cool and swift! Now I know why you want to go to the next week in the f2f program… lol 

Honestly, I’m just so done with running around in circles. I want legit change am I’m hopefully gonna tackle this head on. I can only try my best and hope that Hashem helps with the rest.

Hey brother! What’s up? What are you up to??? You can’t keep as waiting like this… give us a update please. 

Hey sorry, I was writing on other chat boxes and the open chat so forgot about this one. Bh I’ve been strong. In a couple days I will reach 2 weeks Iyh which is an amount of time I’ve not been able to withhold from P&O since I was in Yeshiva in israel. Using the f2f program and really internalizing how detrimental this can be for when you get married, it’s not something I want part of my life. A huge tactic that I’ve been using is, when I come across a temptation to act out in any way, I just think to myself, “do I really not want to enjoy being with my wife?”      “ Do I not want to be able to enjoy the small things in life ?” And that usually knocks me right out of it. Not to say that it’s never hard but it’s definitely been a powerful tactic.