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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

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TOPIC: Journal 6326 Views

Re: Journal 01 Jun 2020 04:08 #350610

Hashem Help Me Current streak: 2918 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 4058	Look at where you are today compared to not so long ago! Wow. Such clarity, conviction, determination, and focus. Curious, do you think having a webchaver who gets reports of your online activity would stop you from falling in that rare matzav like you just had? And what if that webchaver was your wife?
	Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Journal 01 Jun 2020 05:00 #350612

i-man
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 01 Jun 2020 04:08:

Look at where you are today compared to not so long ago! Wow. Such clarity, conviction, determination, and focus.

Curious, do you think having a webchaver who gets reports of your online activity would stop you from falling in that rare matzav like you just had? And what if that webchaver was your wife?

I did just that a couple of months ago and it definitely is a very powerful tool ,Ifind it particularly helpful in that I stopped going to sites that start the chain reaction ( for many of us we usually don’t just go straight to porn , especially when we’re making a big effort not to, and it’s these “Not so bad “ pages that shlep us in)

Imapureman2018@gmail.com

Re: Journal 11 Aug 2020 20:53 #353620

dave m
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Fighton613 wrote on 31 May 2020 14:21:

Gm guys.
unfortunately I had a fall. I viewed an inappropriate image and had a fall. It was at night in my bed on my smart phone. What’s frustrating is that I have the best filter out but this app I knew had issues with proper filtering and downloaded it to my phone. The stress level I’ve been going is really high but it’s a normal stress if I can say that
so once I’m on the topic let me mention the three shvuot I have in place two have been in for a while. I DONT WANT TO PROMOTE MAKING SHVUOT BUT IT HAPPENS TO WORK FOR ME.
1) no inappropriate searching on any work device - this shvuah has been fool proof and it’s kinda imbedded into my brain and there’s no hava amina of doing that
2) no inappropriate searching on twitter- this I need for work also and has been embedded as well in my brain additinally I have two people on my twitter account so they use it as well and monitor each other
3) this one is new and is the last one - one specific app will not be downloaded till y”k.

bh I have eliminated movies and tv shows from my life for over 6months and not to mention no time just no access either. = less triggers.

i know that if I keep to this connection I WILL win this battle and get to 90 solid days. The problem had always been just setting 10 min a day to do this .

mindset: even with all the stress I might go through viewing inappropriate material will not solve the underlying issue of what’s causing the stress.... all this shmootz is fake and they are low people who don’t care two scents abt u. My brain has been wired to believe that it fixes my stress but it won’t . Focus on today’s rewiring to renovate my brain by 90days. It will get much harder but the waves will get flatter and flatter and become easier to deal with.

motivation: my son. How will I be able to expect resilience out of him if I can’t give it my best my self. This starts now!

gameplan: for today it’s abt the thoughts: something I forgot to mention was that randomly I began having garbage thoughts popping up in my head just after I said that the key is to shut them down- I haven’t experienced these thoughts in honestly a very long time ... so it took me by surprise and I didn’t do a good job of shutting them down. If I can just focus today on that that’s would be enough for me.
THIS IS DAY 1 OF 90

Hey. Just read through your thread - how are you doing?

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338039-Trying-to-elevate-my-shmiras-einayim

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/341240-How-I-made-it-to-140-days-clean

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 06:54 #366635

shower640am
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I can't believe I ever made it to five weeks. I'm starting to give up. I don't have patience anymore for this fight. I like porn, I like masturbating, I like live cams (I only did that a couple times, but it's calling my name every second of the day), even though it costs money. I'm nearing the end.

I don't have the strength and I'm not interested anymore. I want to do whatever I want.

I'm at the last straw, maybe even passed that.

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 07:56 #366638

wilnevergiveup
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Shower640am wrote on 11 Apr 2021 06:54:

Hey there, it sounds like you are going through a lot.

Here is what I think, if you are interested. I know that there isn't much that I could say that will change your outlook. Most likely, anything I would tell you, you know already, and has not helped. Expecting a mind blowing chiddush that will just blow you out of the park? I am sorry but I don't have one. Do you really want to wallow away in the filth of porn, masturbation, chatrooms etc.? I don't really think so either, after all, you did come here! So you do know that deep down, you want a better life otherwise you wouldn't have posted in the first place, but it's probably very challenging, and you feel like giving up. It's not that you want a life of porn, it's that you don't have the strength to fight anymore.

Someone who has broken free, is someone who really does what they want. Only they have the power to actually choose what they really want and do it.

Anyways, for my opinion? It's the following. It is extremely difficult to get through these struggles alone, and from how I understand you, I would imagine that a discussion on the forum (if you even ever read this) is really just not going to cut it. I think you need to have a real conversation with a loving caring and kind person with lots of experience in this area who could really help you get through this. My recommendation is to call Hashem Help Me. You can PM him (or me I guess) for his number.

On a side note, I just want to show some hakaras hatov to Harav Hashem Help Me, for really being there for us and pulling so many guys out of the mud. Contrary to popular belief, HHM, does have another life off of GYE, and does have that thing that happens to people called "getting busy" and he still makes the time to be there for us. Huge Yasher Koach.

Anyway, wishing you much hatzlacha and clarity in your struggles.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Last Edit: 11 Apr 2021 19:47 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 18:34 #366669

shower640am
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I do talk to Hashem Help Me and he's amazing! But I don't keep my end of the bargain. I'm supposed to call him whenever I have a desire to masturbate etc., but I don't. I also just disappear for a few months at a time. I don't take the whole thing serious (serious enough, for sure).

I've been so insanely triggered the last two weeks and I'm going nuts. My iPhone is actually locked and well, so I have no way to see anything on it. My computer has webchaver so I do sometimes look at inappropriate things on it, but I'll never go on an actual porn site or chat room on it. I'll look at pictures of gifs on google occasionally, which is just as bad as porn, but because it's google it won't send a notification to the person who gets my reports. It does show on the report that I did bad things and exactly what I did, but I guess in the midst of my heat and passion I don't care about a couple days later.

Anyway, this weekend it hit me that I won't ever be able to go to a live cam or even porn site again. My phone is really locked and webchaver keeps me from things like that. And I panicked. I want it so bad and I'm never gonna have it again. It was a terrible realization. Maybe, next time I come home I won't write up a contract that I can't use any device besides for my own phone and my own computer and then I'll be able to watch. But now I'm stuck. I want to go to a live cam so bad, it's insane.

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 19:09 #366671

happyyid
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It sounds like you really don't give a hoot about this whole thing, well, so just wait till you hit rock bottom, and ruin your life, and your wife and kids lives r"l, and then you'll know where to find GYE.
Sorry for being harsh; it sounds like you need that now.

But the other option is to 'hit rock bottom while staying on top'. Because you know how damaging this stuff could be to you, and your loved ones in the future, so why mess everyone up? Unfortunately we hear of stories how men get screwed up from this stuff.
Don't do it to yourself!
It's not worth it. I promise.
I'm sure you know all this already I'm just doing my hishtadlus, maybe it will make an impact.

Hatzlacha!
I really care about you,
HappyYid

Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com
My thread

Last Edit: 11 Apr 2021 19:10 by happyyid.

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 19:43 #366672

davidt
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It's very important to be ready to accept your problem and begin to live in the solution, by exploring the methods that really work. In cases of advanced addictions, it will almost never help to simply try “harder” to fight the Yetzer Hara, to learn moremussar, or make ever more resolutions . With advanced addictions, there are methods that don’t work, and then there are tried-and-proven methods that dowork.

It's never to late to start true recovery, as long as you don't give up, you have hope.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @ ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 20:27 #366676

shower640am
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What does caring mean? What does rock bottom mean? I have a problem that I'm sometimes too honest and I don't give place for my feelings of frustration because I know the answers and what I need to do etc.

But I'm not going to do that now. I'm pissed off. I go two/three weeks with no porn and then it becomes impossible. I think about it the whole day. Is this even possible? How on earth do I get off of this? I'm not sure it's possible anymore.

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 20:47 #366677

wilnevergiveup Current streak: 1 day OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1159 Karma: 113	gye.vids.io/videos/489edcb31412e7c6c0/8th-day-communicate
	Check out My Thread and The Truth (עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד Feel free to email me wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 22:37 #366684

shower640am Current streak: 8 days OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 30 Karma: 2	What does this mean?

Re: Journal 11 Apr 2021 22:41 #366685

happyyid OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 330 Karma: 18	Shower640am wrote on 11 Apr 2021 20:27: ...What does rock bottom mean? https://guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/the-30-principles/9-principles-for-addiction/item/principle-4-hitting-bottom-while-still-on-top?category_id=280
	Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com My thread

Re: Journal 12 Apr 2021 04:33 #366701

wilnevergiveup Current streak: 1 day OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1159 Karma: 113	Shower640am wrote on 11 Apr 2021 22:37: What does this mean? It's a link. (If you were asking me)
	Check out My Thread and The Truth (עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד Feel free to email me wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Journal 15 Apr 2021 04:04 #366851

shower640am
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I was answering DavidT, but thanks!
Update on my situation:
I fell that night and the nest two. But yesterday and today I was clean, and I intend to end today clean (it's 12 AM now, be"h). I got GenTech on my computer today. But I realized that only blocks the internet, not my computer. There are apps out there that porn is accessible on, for example, Telegram. Do you know of anything that'll deal with that? I want to fix this before it's too late...
Anyway, thank you all for answering me. I will sign on tomorrow with good news about tonight, be"h.