Hi. I'm on Day 86 of staying sober. I just realized that I was justifying my problem in the last few days by thinking that the problem is not me and that the problem is in my marriage. Yes, my marriage is good but there are areas of improvement in my marriage. But, my mind started wandering about somehow if I ever got a divorce from my wife I would find somebody better suited and all my problems would be gone. I also started thinking about a particular girl and how the world would bring us together somehow. It's amazing how the yetzer harah plays these tricks on our mind. Part of my fantasy was that I would receive a brachah from a tzadik for this all to go smoothly. It took a moment of deep thought to think where I was going with this. Thanks for letting me share. 

hmm. I don't know why I just have this lonely feeling, I feel like something is missing in my marriage, I was always numb to it because I wasn't sober and I had other things to entertain me, now that I am staying sober I feel a void. I worked with a therapist who gave me some tips on invoking emotional intimacy and I try to do things to improve my marriage, but my wife thinks everything is fine, she doesn't know about my problem and she is not reciprocating to my extra efforts. In short, my marriage is good on the surface, no problems, we get a long, good kids... but I had my drug on the side to help balance everything.. but in sobriety, I need somebody to be closer with to have a more emotional connection with, but my wife just rather read her book, watch her TV shows or shop online. She doesn't know that I need more, not sure how to tell her....

eli613 wrote on 05 Oct 2018 01:12:

I can relate to some of this. In my case my wife had long given up hope, since I had done some crazy things that she saw as proof that there was no hope in having the relationship she really wanted with me.
the 5 love languages can be a good way to broach the topic of "we each have our needs in the relationship", or the different attachment types (I'm more anxious, shes's more avoidant).
The biggest question for me is am i looking to fulfill my lust, or ami I looking to care for her needs and the needs of my.kids.

eli613 wrote on 05 Oct 2018 01:12:

How do you know that you need more? Perhaps you need to give more?

Now, you may be rightI, but I know regardin' myself that for years and decades I thought andI I was convinced that I needed moreI from her, but after quite some time practicin' sobriety, I realized that I needed to give more.

Godspeed!

eli613 wrote on 05 Oct 2018 01:12:

She may have problems too that you don't know about.

Or she could be keeping to herself on purpose because in the past she tried to be close to you and you weren't interested.

Can you watch one of her TV shows with her? Or go out together and shop?

Hey congrats on staying clean

My experience was that all of the selfish acting out made it difficult for me to genuinely Express love emotionally or verballyI sort of got used to it  and I have to consciously work on it , but now I see when I do so it makes a big difference (and it's even my responsibility )

Hatzlacha to you