Hello everyone,

I joined GYE just a few days ago and immediately plunged into the 90-Day program.  I am 4 days clean, but maybe not so clean...
See, I am not ready to cut everything out at once, so I've taken the most severe issues on for now.  This includes: looking at p**n, ma**tion, and kishuy loda'as.  I am still, however, not ready to look the other way every time I see a good-looking girl, or maybe read a titillating news story that doesn't arouse me to kishuy.  I hope to take on these challenges once I have a better (even not perfect) grip on the gimmel chamuros mentioned above.
Here's the question, and I'm sure there will be different opinions.  Does this 'count' as a kind-of 90 days, or am wasting my time?  Obviously every moment I overcome my YH (and at this point it's many many moments each day that I have the urge) I am accomplishing great things, but will I accomplish scientifically what the 90 days is supposed to help rewire the mind if I am exposing myself to mild triggers?
I know some will tell me it's easier to do cold-turkey, but at this moment I don't have the willpower for that.  This is what I am willing to do for the meantime, and may Hashem give me hatzlocho and encouragement to go further and further on this journey.

The GYE guidelines are that a fall is only for either masturbating or watching pornography - and if seen accidentally, for more than 3 seconds .

Iyh you will break free from all inappropriate actions, and we are here to help. Hatzlocha.

Thistimeillwin wrote on 21 Sep 2018 02:44:

Welcome brother!

You can try that...

Personally It doesn't work for me, if I keep some avenues open, but I hear you and believe that your 3 Chamoros are a league to themselves and a major accomplishment to reach.

Keep us posted, and Keep On Trucking!!

There are some studies that claim that keeping the brain on a constant low state of arousal is even worse than acting out in terms of addiction. I cannot verify this statement.

In my opinion, it would depend very much on what you are doing. If you are generally avoiding triggers, however you are not making that your focus, and not going to worry if you look on the street or read occasionally an article, then that is a good way to start, and keep adding more to your list. On the other hand, if you are going to be constantly looking for lust, then it will not help you in the long run.
Hatzlocha Rabba!

Thistimeillwin wrote on 21 Sep 2018 02:44:

I'm almost positive that 90-day doesn't do anything. What matters is what you do in the next 10 seconds after you get an urge, and whether you are really motivated yet to it over and over again.

My experience has been that the way to change a behavior is to ... change the behavior. Each day you successfully refrain from transgressing reinforces that behavior. I don't know if there's anything magical about "90 days", other than the newly established behavioral pattern should be a lot stronger than at 3 days or 10 days or 30 days.

I think that attitude is important too. Refraining from transgressing is not depriving oneself of a pleasurable activity. It's bringing oneself closer to Hashem.

Great question you brought up,  but dont forget that the magic word "90 days" is not that magical after all, the point being is controlling one self to change a habit,  and that takes some time, now some people (like myself) will tell you that by day 50-60 they felt a major difference,  while others will claim 90 means 90 no monkey business,  but we all agree that every time we have an urge and we dont give in, we teach ourselves little by little that we dont need it and we can live without it.
so back to your question,  I don't know the answer,  but I do know that if you actually don't give in to those 3 major stuff for a period of time you WILL see a difference and it will become easier,  no doubt about it,  so keep it up, and hopefully you will be able to cut it "cold turkey" sooner or later. 
all the best!!!!
Feel free to contact me at gyehelp2017@gmail.com

According to gye terms, reading something which wasn't written to arouse isn't considered a fall, if you do read erotica willingly that would be considered a fall.

However I personally think it'll be hard for you to stay clean if you keep on staring at girls, or reading things you know arouse you (even though technically its not considered a fall) acting out usually happens after you've seen something/read something. We need to get rid of the core problem, then controlling our action will be significantly easier. This is just my humble opinion based on what works for me but everyone is different.

But end of the day action is what counts so stay strong! Keep us posted! Good luck

Why is that considered a "fall"? Not that it's a good idea, and I'm certainly not recommending it, but so long as it doesn't lead to physical action, what mitzvah does it transgress?

If you read my thread "My Story and G-d Bless GYE" in balei batim forum, you will see how I moved from masturbation to coming close to masturbation to causing erections by thoughts to BH stopping completely any form of arousal. Therapists who deal with those of us who are not addicts are big believers in a step by step approach. Some even allow scheduled acting out windows. Your system will iyh work as long as the eventual goal is to come completely clean.

Its not so simple to say that it doesn't transgress a mitzvah, and it definitely has a big chance of leading to action. Anyhow gye considers reading erotica intentionally a fall, you'll have to ask the moderators the reason for that.

working on the issue?  going in the right direction ? AMAZING ! 
 However,  feeding the lust a little here a little there without giving  it a release - pure torture...  tough shayla..
either way KOT 

Amazing...good luck!

I think they are all important goals but also very different. In general I think it's a bad idea to be okay with actively checking out girls, but a lot of the time these things are automatic and dealing with these automatic reactions is a separate struggle to quitting the conscious behaviors you talk about, imho it's a much higher level. So getting your conscious habits under control should come first and that seems how you want to go about it anyway. Deal with the unconscious ones later is what I would say. 

However you CAN choose to limit what you read, and that is a conscious decision, and the downward spiral from a news story to other dark places on the internet is a reliable pitfall, so letting yourself enjoy "titillating news stories" I think is a recipe for disaster (again just my opinion!). What you might think is curiosity, is your brain leading you to the habits you want to avoid, and if you want to get to 90 enough it requires making the sacrifices that you don't necessarily want to make, but making them is powerful and healing, it's regaining some control.

As for the 90 day thing. There's nothing magical about 90 days other than, if you're an addict (not a bad thing just a fact), you can't get there on willpower alone, so it means making real practical changes to improve your life and make it what you want it to be. So I wouldn't worry about the psychological implications of not going "cold-turkey" I don't think that's how it works. And if you go 90 days without those three (or four) things, that is absolutely NOT wasting your time, that is an amazing improvement and implementation of the hirhur teshuvo. 

Hatzlocho robbo thistimeiwillwin may Hashem continue to bless you with clean days

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 21 Sep 2018 21:51:

And it's very simple to say that it is an averah because these issurim are listed in the Mesillas Yesharim, in the chapter on the particulars of cleanliness. I have no desire to make people frummer than they are, but I am keen on acknowledging facts. For mainstream Jews those are in the list.

mzl wrote on 23 Sep 2018 01:23:


That's mussar, not halachah. Inappropriate thoughts, while best avoided, are not transgressions of mitzvos.