Dears fellows,

Back in 2016 I did the 90 days chart with you guys.
I remember I was totally lost. Having tried everything I just found this website.
The pdf was the truth that I had been looking for a long time.
It is all about following gye seriously.
What is the problem? The problem is that we are too proud to admit we have a problem.
We do not want to be labeled ill. Boy, number one step. I am ill, and it is serious.

Second. Falling. Did I do the 90 days straight? No. I fell, and I fell and I fell. And sadly my parents divorced, my two grandma died the same year. Hashem gave a a hint. Enough. I hope now you get scared.
And I did.

After 60 days, while mourning my first grandma, I fell.
Then my second grandma died (both in their good late years, yet sad anyway).

And then the 90 days were achieved while mourning my grandma.

I remember that I fell so many times before, that I tried everything, taphsic, forums, read mails...

What was the winner combination for me?
1. I remember I promised that if I fail, I would donate 180 euros to gye. 90 + 90. I did. (with its share ).
2. I prayed everyday tehillim. All book.
3. My eyes were shut. Yes, in summer, in a hot country, where modesty is nonexistent among goy. My eyes were shut. Looking to the floor in the street. Asking forgiveness when I slipped slightly.
I remember a shiur that said the S--an enters through the eyes. If you do not look it can not enter.
I assure you it is true. I tried it guys. True. You do not look, and it really does not bother you any more.
Honestly, just do not look. Nothing. And if you do, ask forgiveness right away. And look away right away.
4. The forums were awesome, because you guys were really honest and helping.

What am I doing here then?

Well, after that spring / summer 90 and plus days, I fell again. My addiction though was less severe. I avoided porn videos totally. So now I fall in a slightly less retorted manner.

I want to marry  (first find the one), but I am addicted. And I have to quit forever.
I can not afford to be ill for my future wife or even candidate, and Hashem just can not give me sheffa if I am not a vessel.

So here I am again. 2018. With your help. We must kill the evil forever and bring the Moschiach.
And what a better way to start than with our addictions.

Good for you for coming back to continue the fight! Keep posting and the guys will bh give you their feedback/encouragement/whatever else they do here. Hatzlacha!

I do not want do discourage anybody, but I think it is right to say this, even for me.
Waisting seed is seen in Shamaim as one of the worst sins. Unless is for procreation, it is seen as comparing it to murder.

Shulchan Aruch (Even Ha’ezer ch. 23),

I have seen stories of people who went and came back, and waisting seed was really really grievous seen for a jew. [video]

What happened in 2016? Why did I fell after 90 and plus days?
In summer 2016 I dedicated my whole time to fight the addiction.
I read a lot of Torah, prayed, did not work, did not stressed.
My task was conquer the addiction. I was in quarantine. In norantine better ...
Curing my disease was the only focus.
Yes I helped it with exercise, healthy meals, not consuming TV, music, etc.

But I remember that after hitting the mark. After daily prayers, stress, having acquired a fear of Hashem like never before (I consumed information that gave me fear). I remember the world was on chaos. Wars looming here and there. My parents recently divorced, my two grandmothers died one after the other, I lost a lot of money. All of the things that never happened me before, nor expected. (Well my grandma yes, but not so suddenly, joined with the other grandma, just when my mother got divorced, and I lost my job).

Boy If I had fear.

And 90 days past. (past 100 I think).
Anyway.
The mark was reached. And suddenly, even though yatzer hara kept pushing with non proper things on youtube, where I only had kosher history views. Where did they came from?
I fell. But I fell deeply because I did not change my life.

Yes. After 90 days, I resisted. And I conquered with the help of Hashem.
But all my resources were out to fight the battle. Nobody stayed home, building the new fortress, the new hope, the new life.
Nothing was left after the fight. So naturally, after the 90 day mark, I burnt all my ships.
It took hatzer hara a few images, a little bit of stress here and there. And that was it.

I forgot to create a new life.

So BH this time. After the 90 days, I do not only come with the reign protected but empty inside. But in the meantime, a new holy purposely new life is built during the fight, that does not burn all soldiers after 90 days. An endless source of healthy soldiers, able to fight, protect and win. I do not stop doing certain habits, but I get all that energy to do others constructive. Like building a family, parnassa, do what I think I am born to do, and Torah life. This time, this is not a siege, this a construction of a new kingdom. A kingdom that never stops doing what is right, that has all the peaces moving for its porpoise, its role. A happy, goal oriented, organised, purposely, lively, and holy kingdom.

Today I was following the Fortify tool / website (recommended in GYE). 
I am paying this month fee and I want to share a few insights, that though obvious, they are good to think about.

• Find anchors, people or reasons that you love more than porn or else. When porn or else hits, you want to "remember" that you love this anchors more. (your porpoise in live, Hashem, family, what you love...)
• If you fall, remember to not only wake up again, but learn and improve what made you fall. Sort of like the movie where Tom Cruise wakes up every day and when killed, can repeat the day avoiding that which killed him (he is in a nasty alien war of sorts...).
• Take it as a game. Bad guys are things that tempt you to fall. Energy bonus are things that energise you in your life, sort of accomplishment or good right actions. All little things. Thing good, point, thing bad, the bad guy hit you. I imagine those arkade games.
  Make levels of progress. And you keep playing till passing more levels. Gamify. Not depress.
• Always progress. Always fight. Resilience. Try and try till do better and better.