I'm not sure about that - I know that I definitely have times when I doubt God's existence, or the divinity of the Torah, and most especially the mesorah that we receive from the chachamim.  I'm not trying to shock anyone, but these are the thoughts that go through my head.  I especially feel ambivalent towards our understanding of Torah she'be'al Peh - I find it difficult to understand how the minutiae of halacha relate to Hashem's revelation on Har Sinai.  I recognise this is connected to my addiction, but I think it might be part of something greater.  What do you recommend?  I don't like the idea of force-feeding myself a hashkafah, but I have a feeling I'm giving myself excuses to stray.

On the dating front, I like the idea of dating and working on this at the same time, but I'm not so sure about keeping it a secret.  Much as I feel terrified of telling my future wife about my addiction, I feel that honesty has to be the foundation for a marriage, and so I know that I would have to, somehow, tell her.  My goal is to be able to say "I had this addiction.  I fought it and conquered it.  With your help, I'll never succumb to it again".  I'm hoping she'd see that as a positive, but it's still a gamble I guess.

For me, just reading the Zohar and seeing how infinitely deep the Torah is and how FAR we are from any inkling of understanding of Chaza"l's greatness, this just puts me in total awe of every Halacha.... After all, the same Rabbi Shmon Bar Yochai that spoke secrets of creation in every word of the Torah, and who all the Malachim came to hear him speak and reveal the deepest secrets of kabbalah, he is the same Tanna that also said the basic Halachos in the Mishna of one ox goring another, as well as the halachos of Tuma, tahara, Issur and Heter, etc.. Chaza"l were one with the Torah and one with Hashem. They were on a whole different plain of perception. The Zohar says in the hakdama that the written Torah is a garment to the secrets of the King that lie hidden within its words. When Chaza"l spoke a Halacha and learned it out from pesukim, they were able to tie words of the Torah, and to cut and paste pieces of the King's garment (as the Zohar gives a parable). They were the master tailors of the king's clothes. Today, we are so far from understanding how they did this. Literally like ants trying to understand humans!

If you're the scientific type, looking for G-d in the universe, this page could help...
www.simpletoremember.com/vitals/creatorofworld.htm

If you're looking for inspiring articles on faith and Hashkafa, i found this guy really good:
www.israelnationalnews.com/Articles/Author.aspx/265

As far as dating, I like your attitude!

Thanks for the tips.  I think I'll start with Permission To Believe - I heard R. Kellerman on Sunday night and thought he was brilliant!

6 days clean.

I installed the K9 filter last night, with guard as my sponsor.  It's the first time I've persuaded myself to install a filter - I'm hoping it's a big step forward for me.  I'm now considering whether to get accountability software as well - it'd mean telling someone I respect what I've been doing all these years. 

Permission to believe is very good. And then permission to receive which is about the Torah.

My emunah in chachamim got a very big boost, when I got close enough to realize that they grow exponentially. Once someone really starts growing, they quickly be become a lot greater than we can fathom.
And when you see what the Torah can do to a person, there's no room left for any doubt!

Did you know that it says in seforim that not guarding our holiness has a detrimental effect on our Emunah?

Chazak Ve'ematz!!!

snibrl:

I remember a story of the Baal Shem Tov.
 
There was a yid, he was having thoughts like yours, i.e. thought of epikorses. "Is this really a creator etc"?  This yid heard that the famous Baal Shem Tov was coming to the town near his for Shabbos, and he was planning on going there in order to ask for his advice.  In the end, things came up, and he couldn't make it. Afterwards, the Baal Shem Tov was coming to another village even closer to his. Closer than before. He made a commitment to go and see him. Once again, things prevented him from coming. The next week, the Baal Shem Tov was coming for Shabbos in his own village. This time there would be no excuses. What happened? When the Baal Shem Tov was in the middle of his shalos Seudos drasha, he said out loud in a very clear voice, (having nothing to do with the topic at hand),  "There are times when thoughts of epikorses come into our mind. Doubts about Hashem. Does he really exist etc.  You should not let these thoughts get you worried or upset. They are just klipot, and you merely need to push them aside. Do not give them any attention.
  The Besht knew all along that this yid was suffering, and this is why he kept coming closer and closer to his villiage until he actually had to come all the way to his home practically. This yid became one of his closest desciples. Because his name became famous, they did not mention it. But, we are to learn, that even a very very chashuv neshama as this one, could have such thoughts. And it was due to the loftiness of his neshoma that the Besht saw in necessary to travel to him.

So you see. It is not so different from  all of our illnesses here. WE are all suffering from thoughts of lust. out of know where they the (klipot) enter our minds with images and feelings etc. There are also klipot of epikorses as well. It all has to do with your tikkun for your neshoma. But, if we follow the advice of the Besht, we don't give these thoughts the time of day. We just ignore them and push them aside.......as we are to do with the thoughts for lust.

One week clean  and looking forward to Shabbat.

The very fact that you look forward to shabbos is a sign that your inner self is seeking to come close to Hashem, know him and understand him. 

Shabbos is a time of emunah.  The time when we recall and internalize the basic tenets of faith of G-d's creation of the world and continual complete control over the world.  We affirm our belief in ourselves as the nation of G-d that was chosen to be his people, keep his commandments and shabbos that he gave to us at Har Sinai. It is interesting to note that even though Shabbos was originally commanded prior to Har Sinai, it was commanded again at Har  Sinai as the Aseres Hadibros, and when we mention the fact that Hashem gave us Shabbos, we refer back to Har Sinai and not to Mara. Matan Torah was not just a convenient time when we received all the mitzvos it was when we became chosen and the special People of Hashem.  When we properly understand this can we begin to believe in ourselves and how special we are as individuals.  If we do not understand who we are as a nation, we can not understand who we are individuals, and we will in turn not be able to believe in ourselves.  If we do not believe in ourselves and trulyunderstand our self-worth, succumbing to aveira, is close to inevitable.  But all this stems from first having clear faith and belief in Hashem and the fact that he chose us and gave us his mitzvos. 

The Rabenu Yonah wrote a entitled sefer Shaarei Avoda, which is devoted to explaining the concept of being an eved Hashem and how to properly become an eved Hahshem.  He begins the sefer with the above idea, the idea of idea of peroply understanding one's self worth in context of being part of the nation if G-d and states that aveiros and weakness in serving Hashem stem from lack of understanding in these area.   

Lets all take the opportunity this shabbos, together with our dear friend  snibril , to affirm our belief in Hashem as the creator of the world, the constant controller of the world, the fact that he chose us as a nation through his mitzvos, and lastly lets affirm our belief in ourselves that we are special and holy people and can overcome our temptations (albeit with a fight.    To do this properly is it crucial to focus on the words of davening,kiddush and even zmiros.
Lets all take all the opportunity of shabbos to beseech Hashem and try to come close to  Him.

snibril, we are cheering you on.  We know you can do it.  As long as you continue walking in the right direction on the right path, even if it is baby steps you will find yourselves in the correct destination.  Good Luck!  Please post your progress with this issue and how R' Kelenman's book is helping you grow and understand.

Good Shabbos!

Thanks for those inspiring pre-shabbos words!  I'll try and put extra kavannah into my davening tonight and tomorrow.  I must admit though that part of my excitement is to with my shabbos shluf!

The Sha'arei Avodah sounds very interesting - I will search for a copy in the local bet midrash.

Shabbat shalom to everyone, see you all motzei for an update  8)

9 days clean.
Last night was tough, but I think I'm gradually learning to distract my mind with other things.

Hashem is having such Nachas from you Snibril. He has waited for so many years for you to finally take this matter in your hands. We are all proud to have you here fighting along side us all.

Thanks, guard, I'm proud to be here!

I didn't find the Sha'arei Avodah in my local b''m, but I did find the Sha'arei Teshuvah, which I started reading on Friday night.  I didn't get very far in given the time available, but I did note one sentence about how ba'alei teshuvah should write down a record of their accomplishments (and failures) to date - sounds like a precursor this forum!

Shaarei Avodah is a rare sefer to find. But for my now stick to the shaarei teshuvah.  I would suggest reading through shaar 2 in full first, then the beginning of shaar 3, and only then go back to shaar 1.  The reason is that shaar 2 and 3 are more relevant for someone trying to boost himself and be greatly encouraged to do teshuvah.  If a person is not all that motivated, he will find it hard to feel most of the words of shaar 1.  Shaar 2 can frighten you, and make one thirsty for teshuvah.  Shaar 3 focuses on the great affect of your deeds and each mitzvah and aveirah.  When you begin to undertstand how important teshivah is and the weight if your actions, and how yiras shamayim is an integral part of your actions, only then is one ready to embark on a true mission of teshuvah. 

snibril, if you are feeling sparks of teshuvah, throw yourself into this sugya as much as possible.  Let it envelope you in its entirety.  Even you fall again (which I hope you never will again), these few moments of intense teshuvah will become zechusim for you and can protect you later on.  No efforts will eveer go unnoticed. 

Please keep us posted of your progress. I davened for you at the kosel today along with everyone else.  May Hashem always be with you

Thanks for the tips Ykv.  I think I'm going to need to all the tefillot I can get - I feel like I'm starting to weaken.   

snibril:

The feeling you are experience is not YOU starting to weaken, rather it is the Yetzer Hara inside of you that is tarting to weaken. His trick is to make you feel that YOU are weakening.

Don't fall for his garbage. Stay strong! We are all here for you to help you get through the hard times. Don't hesitate to contact me or the others if you need help at any time!

Hashem is looking down upon YOU and witing for YOu to pass the tests! He loves YOU!

Chazak V'Ematz!