If you're interested in doorknobs, here's a reading assignment. 

Let go and let doorknob

just read your long deep post that wasn't supposed to be one. deep stuff there. your a really strong person, man. your life is inspiring. keep on posting

thanks613 wrote on 25 Jan 2017 05:55:

Oh, I love the doorknob story!

thatslife wrote on 25 Jan 2017 19:28:

Thanks, TL! Or should I say Sinatra. (get it?)

So as some of the poison subsided from my father's and my toxic confrontations, and knowing my uncle from the UK is here for a little bit, but constantly with my father, I sucked it up and asked if they want to come for supper. So started an organisation tennis match. They said we should meet at a restaurant on day X. I said day X won't work and we have a policy not to take our little ones to a restaurant. It's just too crazy (BH our place is small. We can eat in the lounge and overview the entire house and garden!). So I suggested day Y and at us.

So he said day Y is fine, but it must be at a restaurant. So on day Y early in the morning I said my wife's car with the baby seats is going in for a service (reluctant to put the seats in my car because the seatbelts aren't as proper) and why can't we just get the pizzas or whatever and have it at us? I asked why he was hesitant coming to our house.

He replied that it's because he'd been kicked out of our place twice. Now personally I feel it's an unfair attack. I only asked him to leave because it was understood that he'd come for a bit and my mother would come. Now, this reason doesn't apply because it's in the middle of the week. But obviously, we're 100% wrong, he's 100% a victim and we mercilessly kicked him out. 

Then he pulled a tricky move and added, "And just to enlighten you, also the normal manner of human beings, is when you invite someone to your house, you are responsible for providing the food."

Now that was a foul offence. What does he think I don't know how to have guests? Though, I admit, I was being pulled into the whirlpool of resentment, saying, "Oh, well, he should pay for everything. He doesn't have anyone to support!"
So maybe I felt that in myself. And I tried a winning tactic. I replied, "Forget it. I'll just ask my uncle to come. What's his number in South Africa? Does he have his own car?"

And then, just like a queen sacrifice in chess, something I never expected.

"Hello. This is your uncle. I don't have a number here or a car. Also, I'm a bit disappointed that it took over a week for you to say something"

Uh-oh. My uncle's in my father's camp. They're ganging up on me. 




This is getting more and more toxic. So first, I "promptly admitted" my shortfall and apologised to him. I said it was just daddy issues that explained the non-communication. Knowing I'd have to get to my uncle through my father.

Then I realised there was no hope. Like having lost your queen in chess for no good reason. No way to win it. I got a long whatsapp that started with some quip on my behaviour and subsequently deleted the chat and blocked my father from my whatsapp. Then yesterday and several times today my dad kept phoning me. I never picked up. Eventually, I emailed him:



And it remains toxic. I just am sad that I can't see my uncle, due to this technicality. My dad has two other siblings and all three are weird in their own way. However, when I take my dad out the picture, I really get along with the other two in a much happier, calmer way. And I realised, why do I always need to see my uncle with my dad? They're not connected by an umbilical cord!! So that's what I tried here. And it backfired.

Well, at the very least I hope the post was amusing, had good dialogue and pace. I ask for advice and suggestions. Did I do the right thing? Was I harsh? Remember, I also have my family's interests/sanity at heart. I don't want to subject my wife/daughter to my father's wrath of guilt and pain.

Singularity wrote on 26 Jan 2017 07:50:

Sad situation
Id ask my Rav for his advice, although I think you're handling it right and level headed

Keep on Trucking
but don't truck over anyone as Arabs are fond of doing

Well, he replied for a work thing and the conversation was neutral, to put it. That was par...

Thanks.

It should be with hatzlachah.

cordnoy wrote on 26 Jan 2017 12:45:

I second that.

Singularity wrote on 26 Jan 2017 07:50:

lots of good luck. keep it up. i actually did not get that one. please explain.

Frank Sinatra was a famous singer who had a song/album called "That's life."

Start spreadin' the news

New York Neeeww Yoooooork!

I want to be a part of it...

Oh wait, I am. Yes.

Shlomo24 wrote on 27 Jan 2017 05:54:

So you're not in Israel anymore?

My heart is always in Israel.