Good line, Kedusha. I'll use that from now on!  :D

guardureyes wrote on 09 Nov 2009 15:31:


I'm only quoting myself! 

rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1184.0

I actually have walked away from a "video session" without falling more than a few times.  Still - if I keep watching on a regular basis, eventually I fall.

So - no more playing Russian Roulette with my soul.  It's just not worth it.

I still don't feel like an "addict" - addicts in denial say "I can stop whenever I want to" and keep drinking, stealing, or gambling their life away.

I said I can stop - and I stopped.

Anyway, as others have said here before, it doesn't really matter if one is an addict or just an plain old chozer b'tshuvah.

We're all on a spiritual quest to serve Hashem properly with Shmirat HaBrit.  I'm so glad that this forum is here, so that we all have a place to speak honestly about our past mistakes, our current accomplishments, and our future resolutions.

Kedusha wrote on 09 Nov 2009 13:49:


Thanks for the Mareh Makom, Kedusha. Interesting...

withg-d'shelp - you reminded me of something I heard in shiur yesterday - the chazon ish asks why a person is blamed for doing averos if the gemora says 'ain odom choteh ele im kein nicnas bo ruach shtus'(a man does not do an averah unless a spirit of foolishness enters him) - we know that a shoteh(insane person) is patur on mitzvos, so why is the person who does an averah chayav?

Answers the chazon ish, the main chiyuv is on doing the things that lead up to the averah - putting yourself in a bad environment, bad friends, or first steps, gateways to doing averos and so on - even if the videos are pareve, you need to be mecahzek with them too, even if you fell just once.

Sorry if I seemed harsh before - I didn't notice that you were the one who wrote the second message - im sorry.

Anyway, I saw those shitos in a likut sefer called 'taher lebainu' on guarding one's thoughts(it also includes these inyonim of hotza'ah) - I'll try to find it next time I come across it.

I'm so happy that I fell today!

I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty or angry at all!

Also, I was clean for a day longer this time than I was the last time!

PLUS - this gives me an opportunity to stop watching all video media (except for Torah and mitzvah related videos) - no more TV, no more movies, nothing.

I got so accustomed to watching regular TV shows and movies, that it was less of a shock to watch the stuff that gets me going.

Baruch Hashem - the yetzer hara got his sin outta me, but it didn't get any anger, depression or guilt!

I love mein tattale in himmel and I'm so excited to have the opportunity to realign my priorities and emerge from this fall even stronger!

I think that's the first time anyone ever posted that on this forum.

I agree you shouldn't feel shame (I am a mistake), but we need to feel some sort of guilt (I made a mistake) and see how we can make better fences for next time.

Keep the great attitude!

I've been learning a lot of Breslov (can you tell?)  :

I admitted, regretted, and resolved to do better shortly after my fall.

Then I immersed in the mikvah, said tikkun haklali, and kept learning Torah all day.

I don't think I've ever been this happy before in my life!

It was one line in a Breslov pamphlet that really struck me - "You can't be happy and angry at the same time"  You also can't be happy and depressed.  You also can't be happy and worried.

By living life with pure joy, no negative emotions have any room to enter.  No negative emotions, no feelings of deep lacking, no pathetic attempts at illegal stimulation to fill the void - because there is no void!

For the sake of shalom bayis, I'm not gonna grow payos and a long beard while dancing in the streets... ...but Rebbe Nachman was a genius and a True Tzaddik!

Ok, this week in yeshiva I saw that sefer again and this time I couldn't find it - I know a certain talmid chacham with an encyclopedic knowledge of mekoros in halacha - i think ill ask him bli neder this week.