if you count neshamaincharge as 3 , yes it gets to 14.

newaction wrote:


check out the "dot, dot, dot."

I barely know how to use the quote click and you want me to check some dots ? thats more than what an old man like me can take.

I am physically drained and emotionally spent.

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The last four days, I have been fighting and white knuckling till my last ounce of energy.
At several times, the only thing that saved me was reaching out and sharing the very embarrassing details of what I was planning to do just then.
Last night, I threw in the towel, but I had Divine intervention and was prevented from carrying out my plans. I feel like the last few days were 90 in of themselves. But they weren't. They were four days. Four very hard days.


They all just feel like imaginary numbers anyway...
Does it ever let up?

Bigmoish wrote:


so they say.

i have experienced some "let-up" in the past; not in the near past, however.

b'hatzlachah

Thanks for sharing and being honest. I can relate to having struggles. Things are okay right now, B"H.

This is my 400th post, and I am back on day 1. Did I accomplish anything in these past months? Definitely. It's just taking a while to figure out everything that doesn't work, that's all.

to quote the Rebbe:
winning means staying in the game

bardichev wrote:

Bigmoish: - CUMULATIVE CLEAN DAYS: 260 Days

I once heard the moshel of a wealthy man who built himself a huge mansion, and went up to the roof the day it was done to see the view and he fell off. On the way to the hospital he was moaning that he fell and his entire house fell too. The parameds told him that (he must have hit his head or something) only he fell and his house is still standing waiting for the day when he's better again and can go to live in it. When we are clean (& 260 days is no small stuff) we are building a house, when we fall we have to go to the hospital (or GYE) but the house is still ours waiting for our return.
KIT
SG

Somehow, I only seem to be able to gather the strength necessary to update immediately following a fall. Found a loophole in the filter, which I should not have been looking for (and usually don't look for), and the rest is history, although I did manage to hold back from actually masturbating.
In discussing it with my web monitor, I realized that there has been a gradual change in the nature of my falls. When I started here, I wasn't so addicted to porn per se, but I was compulsively and uncontrollably masturbating quite often. Lately, I noticed, partially due to my filters and accountability software, that my streaks have been consistently longer, and ended with an impulsive search and discovery of a hole in the filter, without even masturbating.
Although I am still skeptical cynical, it seems to me that I now fit better into the category of behavior that the Taphsic method will help for.
On a side note, I do feel that although my wife may never fully get over the fact that I lust after her sister, my connection with her is definitely improving.

Although I don't understand all the lingo and the psyche stuff, it does sound like a "commitment" theory I have been hearin'.....

b'hatzlachah

Commitment? I ain't ready to be committed jes' yet...

This is basically how I feel when I attempt step 4...

I hear that's not an uncommon experience.

I think it was Bill S. on the tapes of his step seminar that talked about the guy who listed like a 180 resentments and then listed as a resentment that he didn't have more people to resent .

Personally having spent an inordinate amount of time on Step 4, most of that time due to procrastination, do it thoroughly of course but get it over with. It's like wallowing in misery. I took my 5st step yesterday and a huge burden was lifted from me.

Hatzlacha!