Achi, 
It seems like there is a very pressing need for you to be in therapy. You have made so many strides, but reading your recent posts it doesn't seem like you are letting anyone get through to you. I commend the tremendous work you've put in and even if you can't see it now the progress you've made sticks with you. If you only listen to one post on here please let it be mine. Sometimes it gets too much to handle alone. You really need to get yourself a good therapist. Time heals, brother, it really does. But therapy is so valuable to your life right now. 

Jman356 wrote on 22 Aug 2017 12:24:

what i need is a meetin' or two and another dose of the 12 steps.

laughingman wrote on 16 May 2016 11:46:


thanks613 wrote on 25 Jul 2016 22:02:


laughingman wrote on 31 Jan 2016 06:23:


markz wrote on 16 Mar 2016 13:33:


laughingman wrote on 25 Jan 2015 05:48:


the.guard wrote on 23 Nov 2015 10:50:


laughingman wrote on 25 Jul 2016 15:51:

I can feel myself drowning .....in self pity ...

in spiritual self harm 

i dont know if this wheel has brakes 

some days i think i will make it anyway ....and some days i feel like i dont deserve the air i breathe ....i dont have anyone to turn to .....i have spurned G-d......it is hopeless .
i am not myself anymore

Hi laughing. first time i ever saw your posts so i dont know much about you, but you definitely would do well in the field of drama! All kidding aside, the pain and anguish are real, but as you must have seen on the various posts here, the program works for so many people. Get on board and iyh you will have hatzlocha too. Do you speak with anyone?

I feel like i havent posted in a year

soo much has happened in me 

i have started to try to accept G-ds plan for me anf stop pretending like i have any control over my life 

also understanding that while it is painful to accept on some days more than others, whats done is done and and wishful thinking and feeling sorry for myself help nothing 

and also i await a day that i can change my situation but in the meantime i focus on getting closer to Him as much as possible and pray everyday for my life to improve according to his plan and beg forgiveness that only he can orchestrate 

Since my last post....my duality has taken new heights

on the one hand i daven more ....i try to relax and accept that even though things are hard and things happened that it is NOT only my actions, though a catalyst they may be, that have led to my current situation 

i also have been realizing just how damaging my childhood was especially certain things ....

on the other hand i havent stopped looking at sm** for months now .....i actually  started doing it more .....mainly because i feel so alone in life now 

sure i have family ...but they rely on me ...i have no one to lean on .....and as far as HASHEM i feel like i just push him away and perhaps i am too far 

also i have essentially been unemployed for a long time now ...my business has fallen to almost nothing .....we are getting by barely ....im trying to retrain for truck driving but life and my previous debts are making it painfully slow 

i dont go to any meeting or counsel or anything really 

sometimes i kinda talk to Hashem but i dont really know if he hears me through all the filth .....

sounds rough 
i think i would be angry at the filth

I have been on this site for 4 years ....in that time ....i all but ended my marriage, basically lost a child and fell into soul crushing debt 

i havent spoken to anyone normally ...i do not go to any kind of therapy

all i do is m......... and when i do the chemicals in my brain change and i suddenly remember what im trying to do ....but its always too late .....im always too late 

my wife has become an athiest ( she says )

And my step child is following her 

I blame myself ....i never showed them judaism as true ....cause if i am a fake then so is the torah i feel thats what i have demonstrated through my ridiculous behaviors 
A long time ago i started talking to dov ....but it was already too late 
  
it says Hashem forgives ...but with a resume like this what can he do

all i do is take care of them ...and none of them like me any better for it 

There is no improving ...i am what i am 

i give up

soon as they are older i think i will end me

ok so if you give up and you think there is no improving maybe it is time to start recovering
forget your wife kids god olam habah gehinom etc.
maybe it is time to think of yourself do you have anything to lose by stopping today 
to change the chemicals 
laugh laughing man lots of good chemicals there 
don't depress yourself

laughingman wrote on 28 Jan 2018 09:34:
The END..

Markz wrote on 28 Jan 2018 15:22:

Although you mean very well, I'm not sure that's bein' completely fair with Mr laughin' man. He seems to have been to rock bottom several times over. He has quit the forum several times over. I even believe he has been to professional help. One time, when I was in his country, we almost met. We did speak on the phone. His pain is an endurin' one. 

MrMr laughin' man, what can we do to help you?

Im not sure ....

i know they say we are not our faults ....and even my wife says...in the end it doesnt matter whos fault it is .....i just come to vent .....i never really quit ....injust waited to see what i was doing new ......i seemed to have hit a rut that even now is enduring .....i made alot of people feel hopeless about me cause i just wouldnt/coundnt listen ...

there are traumas ....in my mind that are 20 years in the making .....yes it co7ld have been soo much better .....but that lind of thinking is deadly for me .....even more then the lusting which is poison for me .....cause now its unnecessary and unhelpful anyway .....but on the other hand i just wish......

Sounds like you need a good shoulder to cry on. Hashem should help you find the right help and clear your pain. See my PM

Today i thought .....i have soo much negative from a few moments ...of lapse in judgement 

i just want to stop pretending 

I no longer have any support .....

i am seeing a psychiatrist this week ....i will ask about psychotherapy directly .....its is 5 am 

i love my family enough to step away ...i am a danger ....

4 yrs later   ......since i first really started this blog .....

i am a broken man ...i failed in the worst ways 

i havent even begun 

I also have started to talk to people but the process is slow ...difficult because of my unique circumstances .....i am at once grateful and impatient .....the anticipation of what might be is worse then any consequence ....

i live a day at a time  but at the same time i await judgment and i feel that though i am completely repentant of my actions (all of them) in every conceivable way ....i will be placed as a korban ...but that is not supposed to be my focus ...my focus must be amends 
..

but i constantly feel that i will pay a much higher price then necessary for amends to be effected ...because of political reasons ....and im not even involved in politics ..
All my friends here have distanced from me .
..i am like a metzorah now screaming "impure! Impure!" 

i dont know if i believe in repentance for me .....i dony have the strength to do the things i need to anymore .....

i dont know how to go on