You are actually making a lot more sense to me than you ever did, chaver. Years ago when you started posting (and for years after that) your posts were disjointed, guilt-ridden and anger-filled - interspersed with questions at G-d and pity-partying.

The above seems very qualitatively different.

You listed definite and real challenges in a matter if fact way, no whining.

You accepted realities that bother you and have no easy answer, without blaming.

You admitted spiritual concerns that are all valid and sincere. 

You bared parts of your heart and soul without begging - or even asking - for anything.

This is a new you, chaver.

As frustrating as life may seem to you, I still honestly say: Good Work, brother.

Shokoyach, Dov.

and laughingman, are you sure you're not me?

Re the financial stuff and the can't connect to a Rebbe stuff.

Wishing you much hatzlacha, brother. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Why do you feel like your rebbe is on a different level?

I've been lucky enough to have an incredible rebbe, but I think there are great people everywhere - you just have to find them, and then accept them on yourself.

silentbattle wrote on 28 Feb 2017 00:19:

Asei le'cha Rav. 

Nobody's gonna do it for me. 

That's what I gotta internalise.

i havent been on this site in a loooongo time ....

lets see.....i can probably confirm i have some form of erotic fantasy addiction.....i know because even while things between me an most of my family have improved tremendously i still turn to smut every once and then .....feels like a "fix"....and it doesnt make any sense except habit and Aquired necessity ....meaning i obviously dont need it but i feel like i want to use it "just alittle" 

even my financial situation is getting better .....although the pressure is everpresent 

there are also on a side note but very significantly 2 things that being with my wife concerns me 


1 the way we got her "tahor" was by going to a natural body of water ....and i helped her go under 3 times ....but i am unsure if we did it correctly (i did speak to a rav about this method but i am still unsure if i followed his words correctly) at the time i kinda assumed i did 

2 since a while now my wife has basically been on round the clock hormone therapy which also translates into contraceptives.....without it she would basically be very ill and nigh impossible to get pregnant anyway .....

But besides that she is also super sensitive "down there" ...we think it may be the result of mishandling (to put it lightly) during a labor back in '07 ( that may have been the catalyst for a saga that resulted in a severe infection AND an ectopic pregnancy )

soooo meanwhile to deal with her sensitivities i agreed to use condoms to avoid unecessary contact between my stuff and her when we ....are together ....but in order for it to NOT be a complete barrier i put holes in them before they are used .....and any teenager knows a hole-y condom can result in pregnancy ....but between that and her hormones thats pretty much impossible anyhow .....six months and i havent discussed this technique with a rav .....though i wish i could i just dont know who i can go to who can be sensitive enough...

those are the halchic things bothering me .....that and the fact that being together more has NOT eliminated my sm** use ....

also i lost count of sefirah ....well before lag baomer ....

Sooo the good news is i dont m******** but i still have a problem with p*** 

laughingman wrote on 02 Jun 2017 01:48:

That's amazing!

Recently things in my family life took a turn for the worse .....turns out during my time a year and a half ago when i was essentially losing my mind i was alot worse than i thought .....my wife wants to leave me .....this time for good .....but because of our situation it just isnt workable .....so essentially we are seperated 

i am devastated ....and sort of numb .....i kinda personally just want to make it to a point where my children can take care of themselves .....

i recently decided i just want to drive for a living .....though i only have a regular license so thats not working so fast 

Other than all that baruch Hashem i have stopped all activities that i was trying to stop ....but i dont trust myself for a second 

i am majorly deppressed ....

Thank you for sharing!

I am in no position to advise you how to proceed, however please reach out and ask for help from the right people / resources a.s.a.p.

May you find peace and serenity soon.

I have soo many new doubts ...

If i wasnt addicted to m********* before ....i am now or getting to it ....i have never done it soo much before 

i am soo depressed because i know and can feel the darkness it is pulling over me 


i am becoming a shell 

i have given up on myself because of my past deeds and i feel that stopping is impossible now

The past is past, grab on to the light for today. You always have another chance.

Despite everything that happened ....that i have done wrong 

i had a pretty good day today ......

Taking it one day at a time has become more than a gimmick ....its become survival in itself ....any other train of thought right now will literally kill me ....

i have learned to accept certain realities 

And maybe lust is SO toxic for me that i must let it go entirely ....for today ....

and live to help those who still need me as i can 

And work to get myself out of the cruch that my life has been for 30 years 

it is difficult ....but i try to trust HASHEM 

because it is all Him and His plan for me and he loves me 

One day at a time is survival for me also.

Every time i have any kind of stress or difficultg now i turn to porn ......and i ma,,,,,,, 
its like everything i learned here over 4 years just *poof* gone ....

i would never have believed 4 years ago it would really get like this but here it is 

i still have things good comparatively ...but i dont see it ....all i see is lost opportunity for perfection and all the mistakes i have made that led to this situation 


all i think is how i could have or should have .....i just beat myself up all day .....and i feel bad for myself 

i also have huge doubts about teshuva in general 

i know i have heard all the stories but all the stories we are told are from masters of being perfect ....who just sat and learned ....their transgressions are mitzvah compared to the darkness i have willingly embraced 

how can G-d love a lost child like me ....even my own mother did away with me